


Cloisters

by wildwinterwitch



Series: Cloisters [1]
Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Romance, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-01
Updated: 2013-02-17
Packaged: 2017-11-27 19:26:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 81,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/665576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wildwinterwitch/pseuds/wildwinterwitch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The TARDIS is dying. She forces the Doctor to make an emergency landing on the planet Ruul. With no cure readily available, all they can do is try to settle down and build a new life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. One: Life or Death

One  
Life and Death

The Time Rotor wheezed and groaned, the lights in the console room flickered and a cloud of smoke billowed up from the grating beneath my feet. Worst of all, the Doctor was beside himself with worry, his hair a tangled mess.

The Doctor was panicking.

My stomach flipped, and my knees went weak. I could feel the TARDIS was unwell, that something was wrong with her; I’d felt it as soon as I woke in the morning. The passage through the Vortex wasn't as smooth as it usually was, and the water in the shower was too hot, so much so that I had almost scalded myself.

“Doctor! What's wrong?” I asked, making my way to the jump seat.

“Not now, Rose!” he growled.

“Tell me, what's going on? What can I do?” I insisted. He wouldn't brush me off like this, not this time when it was obvious he needed help. The ship was out of control, her flight unsteady. And it was not because of his piloting skills. I could tell that he was trying his best to steady her, to counteract the worst bumps and jerks, that he was trying, frantically, to find a safe place to land. But whatever he did, the ship obviously had a mind of her own and she was resisting him.

The Doctor ignored me, hurrying to and fro, throwing levers and switching switches, even using the mallet an inordinate amount of times. “Come on, come on, sowaitu shog ra fionn!”

“What?”I asked. “What did you just say?”

“Don't, Rose, just... not now!” The rage in his voice was barely contained, and I dug my fingers more firmly into the frayed upholstery of the jump seat. Never before had he been like this, not even at his worst, back in their early days.

What had he just said? I was sure it wasn't just the noise and his temper that had mangled his words.

“Nun komm schon, ma fille, tu mir das nicht an! Non mi piantare in asso!” the Doctor muttered, and this time I was sure I had not misheard him. I swallowed hard. The translation circuits were failing. Panic flared up in me. The translation circuits were among the most basic, integral parts of the ship, and when these systems were failing that did not augur well.

“What's wrong with her, Doctor?” I cried.

He didn't answer, kept muttering to himself under his breath, his words impossible to make out.

I winced as a sharp pain flashed through my mind, leaving in its wake a dull ache. It continued to throb, and as I reached for my forehead, the ache grew into blinding white pain that brought tears to my eyes. I felt as though I was going to be sick, and my grip on the jump seat loosened.

Darkness began to surround me, and the grating was digging into my flesh as I slid off the seat and hit the ground. Whatever, I thought, as the darkness made me feel light-headed. And the pain was gone.

-:-

It was dark when I came to. Stars were twinkling above me, and I could make out the thin crescent of the moon. The night air was crisp and cool, and a gentle breeze was brushing my face, playing in my hair. A lock was tickling my nose, and I freed my hand from the blanket covering me to tuck it behind my ear.

The headache was gone, I realised, taking a deep breath.

The Doctor's rich scent of soap and adventure filled my nostrils, and when I dropped my hand to the blanket I realised that he had covered me with his coat. It slid off as I slowly sat up, wary that the headache might come back, but it didn't. Instead, I noticed an emptiness, the lack of something warm and comforting that had accompanied me, had lived on the edge of my consciousness ever since I first met the Doctor.

The TARDIS.

His TARDIS was no longer present in my mind.

“Rose!” the Doctor said. “Fiteo tu sirati?”

I turned around, kneeling as I did so, digging one hand into the brown fabric of his coat. He sounded relieved, though still a bit concerned.

I had no idea what he'd said.

“Doctor?” I asked.

“Sorry,” he said, crouching in front of me. His hair was a mess, his tie askew and he wasn't wearing his suit jacket. He ran his hand through his hair. “Are you all right?”

“Yes,” I replied, puzzled. “What happened?”

His expression darkened. “It's the TARDIS.”

My heart sank. The ride had been rough, rougher than after his regeneration. “What's wrong with her, Doctor? Because I can't feel her in my head. And I didn't understand you earlier.”

The Doctor looked grief-stricken then, sank to his knees and drew me into a tight embrace.

“She's dying."


	2. Two: Bed

Two  
Bed

“Isn't there anything you can do?” I asked, shivering, holding him tight. We hugged often, but never before had I realised how thin he really was. I inhaled his scent, a mixture of his soap and TARDIS, but I found no relief from my fear. His fingers were digging into my back almost painfully, conveying his distress over what was happening, and it only served to ramp up my own emotions. “Doctor?”

He withdrew almost reluctantly. “Not this time, I'm afraid.”

That left me speechless. So many thoughts shot through my mind all at once, fast, each one worse than the last. My heart hammered in my chest, and I knew he could hear it, Time Lord senses and all that. So I did what I could to calm it, to try not to add concern for me to his emotional upheaval over the TARDIS.

We had been through this before, on Krop Tor, when we had thought the TARDIS lost. He had thought he was stuck on the slow path in 18th century France, in Reinette's palais. There must surely have been more experiences like this in centuries of travel. Clearest, most present, however, was the thought of Mum. I'd never see her again. True, I still had my superphone. But what is a phone when you need your mum's arms around you, and her tea?

What shocked me most, however, was the sadness in his eyes. I knew this expression well, even though he'd learned to mask it, to hide it behind first blue steel and then unfathomable brown. I hadn't seen such raw pain in a long time, his grief was so all-consuming, so powerful that he was unable to hide it.

I shivered again. My Doctor was falling apart.

He'd told me once that the TARDIS was the only thing he had left of home. She was always there, reliable, sturdy. His magnificent ship. She had become a home away from home for me. But of course my feelings for her were nothing compared to his. I had an entirely different idea of what home was.

I had to be strong for him, it wouldn't do if I sunk into his arms, nothing but a helpless bundle of snivelling Earth girl. There would be a time and place for me to mourn, but it was neither there nor then.

I did something then I'd never done before, I'd never had the courage to do. It was a small gesture, a kiss on the top of his head, but it was the only thing I could think of at the time.

For a moment he remained still, something so unusual for him that my heart began to pound again. If my kiss, meant to comfort and express my concern, had made things worse I’d never forgive myself. But it was the only thing I could think of to do, and it just felt right. I was about to tell him how sorry I was when he literally jumped to his feet, holding out his hand for me.

“Come on,” he said, a little too cheerfully.

“Don't you want to stay here, with the TARDIS?” I asked.

“She'll be fine,” he said softly.

“But don't y–“ I began.

“I have you to think of as well,” he said.

Oh yes, the stupid little ape. Suddenly, the idea of being strong for him didn't seem so daunting anymore. I had to be strong for my own sake, to prove who I was, what I was. He had a knack for forgetting about brilliant Rose Tyler at times like this. Sure, it gave him something else to focus on. But there's nothing I hate more than being patronised, least of all by him.

“Don't worry about me,” I said, more sharply than I'd intended, but it seemed to do the job. I knew he'd never forgive himself if he didn't stay here, with his dying TARDIS.

He bent to cup my cheek, brushing his thumb over my cheekbone. Then he made me put on his coat, and took off towards the TARDIS.

I hugged the coat around myself, pulling the too-long sleeves in to keep myself warm on the cold ground and trying to ignore his scent. I would be warmer moving around, but he’d declined my earlier offer to help and I decided I’d better stay where I was. There’s nothing quite like feeling unwanted, that you’re in the way.

Looking around I saw the ruin of a small cottage nearby. Deciding that I'd be more comfortable in there, I got up, and walked over to it. Unfortunately, nature had claimed its empty shell long ago. Thickets of briar blocked the doors, snagging at clothes, and making the entrance impassable. The cottage's walls, however, were warm to the touch, retaining the sun's heat. Fine. At least my back would be warm if I sat leaning against the wall closest to the TARDIS.

I cleared a small spot of stones and sat down, hugging my knees. The Doctor had left the TARDIS door open, but the light emanating from inside was flickering and feeble, fading. If only I could do something.

I absent-mindedly fingered the chain with the TARDIS key that hung around my neck. The key itself rested reassuringly between my breasts, the metal warm with my body heat. I fished it out and closed my fist around it, praying for help to whatever entity was willing to listen. Gazing up into the unfamiliar starry sky above me, with its thin crescent moon, I listened to this planet's nocturnal sounds, inhaling its scent. It was dry and dusty, ripe with the tangy smell of herbs. There even seemed to be a kind of cricket population, and it didn't take long for its constant chirping to lull me to sleep.

 

-:-

 

When I woke, the chirping had lessened. I felt cold and stiff, but strangely enough, my head was resting on something soft, yet firm. I must have laid down some time during the night. I reached up and my hand came to rest just above someone's knee. Someone's thigh was my pillow. My eyes flew open, and in the early morning light I saw the blue stripes of the Doctor's brown suit, and his white plimsolls, legs crossed at the ankles. His hand was resting on my shoulder.

I shifted to lie on my back, blinking up at him. His now free hand hovered awkwardly above me. He was clearly at a loss of where to put it now that he couldn't reach my shoulder anymore. I took it and rested it on my tummy.

“Hey,” I said.

“I thought you'd be more comfortable this way,” he said.

“Thanks.” I sat up, turning so I was facing him. He dropped his hand to join the other one where it rested in his lap. His face was ashen with exhaustion, and, like his shirt, streaked with dirt. Even with a lower body temperature he must be freezing. I unbuttoned his coat, gathering the courage to ask about the TARDIS. No matter how hard I tried to find the right words, there was really only one way of asking. So I did.

The Doctor sighed, and when he raised his eyes to meet mine, no words were necessary. The sadness in his eyes was even more pronounced than it had been the night before. I reached for his hands. “I'm sorry,” I whispered, my breath hitching.

“She's not all gone,” he said. “ But she's not strong enough to provide us with everything we need and take care of herself. I think we'd better find ourselves a place to live for the time being.”

“A place with doors and windows and a carpet? A mortgage?” I said, remembering our conversation at the Sanctuary Base.

He attempted a smile.

Oh Doctor.

“Yes, something like that.”

“Where are we, anyway?” I asked, looking around. There was the cottage from whose warm walls I'd drawn comfort. Its roof was caved in, and the plaster was coming off, revealing the stone wall beneath. The surrounding area looked like the photos of the Mediterranean landscapes in the travel brochures I'd carried home to daydream over on rainy Sundays: hilly landscapes with brittle brown grass and groves of trees off in the distance and dark forests still further away.

“It's not Earth, I'm afraid,” he replied. “I can’t figure out why. I’d think Earth would be the better option, with Torchwood and the rift. I tried to take her there but she overrode all of my commands. A fighter she is, stubborn old girl.”

“Doctor,” I said gently, reminding him of my question.

“Ruul. It has the technological standard of Earth about a century ago,” he said tonelessly. “No idea why the TARDIS picked this planet of all places. There isn't really anything here that could help her.”

“Well,” I began, hopeful. “What does she need?” Surely, if he knew what was wrong with her, what she needed, he could fix her? Save his home?

He laughed mirthlessly, and what little spark of hope I had died. “I wish I knew.”

The Doctor without an answer? That didn’t happen often. He’d always found a way out before, but something was different this time. I knew that I couldn’t cling to that ability now. That I’d have to help.

I swallowed. “Where do we go?”

“There's a city called Lufana behind that range of hills,” he said, getting up and holding out his hand for me to help me up. “Maybe you should pack a few things before we go.”

I nodded, following him to the TARDIS.

She was ghostly. Dark and cold, her coral lacking its usual lustre and warm glow. She was very still, too. The constant hum that had kept me company was gone. I shivered, and hurried to pack some essentials into the rucksack that lay, forgotten, under my bed. Before I left my room, I turned around to say good-bye. For now.

I stepped outside into the bright morning light, loath to leave the TARDIS, but a little bit relieved at the same time.

 

-:-

 

Of all the places we'd been, Lufana was unlike any I'd ever seen. It stretched across a series of hills with a river meandering through the valleys below. It looked a bit like the paintings of Ancient Rome I'd seen in my textbooks back at school, but that was where the similarities ended. The river's water was gleaming in the morning light, but even from the distance we could see that it was running low. I could see lots of green patches between the domes and spires of the buildings, and generous squares. The city was enclosed by a wall that seemed decorative, and the gates were welcoming rather than a deterrent.

“It's beautiful,” I said. “Have you been here before?” Silly question. Of course he must have been here at one time. The universe seemed such a small place where he was concerned.

“Not this city. But it is rather beautiful. Very green and spacious. Great markets, too,” he said, giving my hand a little squeeze. “Not too bad a place.”

I gave him a reassuring smile, even when I felt anything but reassured. With the TARDIS as weak as she was, we hadn't only lost a home. I couldn't feel her presence in my mind anymore, and when the Doctor had spoken to me earlier, he had not spoken English at first. Her translation circuits had allowed me a kind of freedom that I hadn't enjoyed even back home – what little French I had picked up at school had long since been lost, and I'd never bothered with learning any other language.

I didn't dare ask him if he'd bothered learning any language other than English. He probably had, but I doubted he'd picked up the local language. From what he'd told me – or rather what he hadn't told me – I gathered that Ruul was not one of the places he'd visited often.

“If we can't find a place to buy today, we'll stay at an inn,” the Doctor said as we entered the city.

I nodded. I'd long since given up on asking him where he got the money from. He had knack for getting by, and in most cases it was not because of the psychic paper in his wallet. Although I already knew that we'd be here for a while, his plan to buy a place made me realise just how long. Probably forever. My forever, anyway.

It turned out I was wrong about the language. On his last visit here, he had picked up the basics of the Ruulim language, and before I knew what was happening, we were house-hunting in this strange, beautiful city.

The real estate agent took us through the city by tram, and while I got a good impression of the place, it was still ever a fleeting glimpse. It was a lively city, that much I could tell, with lots of trees and parks, and people milling about. Life seemed to take place largely outdoors, and the streets were bright with awnings and sunshades. It was a bit like London, I thought, on those rare summer days when the heat became sweltering and children played in the fountains.

The Ruulim appeared to be friendly and open-minded, and not in the least confused by the fact that the Doctor's grasp of their language was patchy (and probably accented, too), or that we looked a bit different. The Ruulim were about my size – the Doctor must seem a giant to them, I thought – their skin generally a bit darker than ours, but other than that, there wasn't much of a difference, at least not an obvious one. Their clothes reminded me very much of the turn of the century, but something about them didn't seem quite right, too 21st century. Maybe that was because they didn't wear quite as many layers, due to the heat, or because of their sunglasses, which looked strangely anachronistic.

I was beginning to feel my fatigue return when we stopped at yet another place. Just like most of the others, its entrance was guarded by two tall trees casting their shade on the massive wooden door. The shutters of the house were closed, to keep the heat out. That and the diamond-shaped knobs in the façade seemed a bit forbidding at first glance, but by then I had seen enough houses to know that they were really very cosy once you stepped inside.

The Ruulim unlocked the door, and we went into the cool darkness of the hall. Most of the rooms were arranged around the cloister, and while I thought that we didn't really need that much space, I knew that the Doctor was used to having lots and lots of rooms on the TARDIS. This house was different from the others we'd seen, since only two sides of the cloister were lined by rooms. The other two colonnades offered a magnificent view of the city through gracefully arched windows. I gasped in surprise as I stepped towards one of them. I hadn't realised that this house was sitting on one of the rocky outcrops above the river.

The Doctor stepped up to the window next to me, taking my hand. “What do you think?”

I met his gaze, and was relieved to see the familiar sparkle had returned to his eyes. “It's the most beautiful of them all. Can we take this?”

He grinned, nodding, giving my hand a squeeze.

An hour later, I was unpacking my rucksack in the sparsely furnished room I'd chosen for myself in our cloistered house.


	3. Three: Hunger

Three  
Hunger

The Doctor had borrowed a cart so we could move the things we needed from the TARDIS to our house, which went by the name of Sho. If you wanted to send messages within the city, you had to provide the house's name instead of a number along with the street name. I quite liked the custom because it gave us a good excuse not to just call it the house, which didn’t really do it justice. But it wasn’t really home, either, at least not yet. I supposed that it could eventually be home for me, but I doubted it ever would for the Doctor. Home, for me, had always been at Mum’s, but matching the idea to a place had become increasingly difficult the longer I travelled. It was fast becoming tied to him, to wherever he was, wherever we were, the pure joy that I felt so often when I was with him.

I had taken all my personal belongings from my room in the TARDIS. It was amazing to see how many things had accumulated there, not only things I'd brought back from my room in the Powell Estates, but also the things I'd picked up at the different times and places we'd gone to. I had picture frames and pillow cases and duvets from all over the universe, as well as candles and scarves and stones and shells and other little trinkets, a cup I'd failed to return at a festival, or a ticket, a feather. All these things I had arranged in my room at Sho to make it feel like mine.

The window of my bedroom looked out on a small park next to the house, and ancient trees that smelled of plane trees and acacias cast their shadows on it. I liked the gentle rustling of the leaves when a breeze played in their foliage. It complemented the starry sky that had been painted into the panels of the wooden ceiling; the weight-bearing beams had been left their natural near-black and they looked as if they carried the sky.

The Doctor's room was at the end of the colonnade, with one of the two windows looking out over the river below. I'd never been in his room on the TARDIS, and when I entered his room here, I found that it was austere, even with the sunlight filtering in through the slats of the shutters. I helped him move the bed to the wall facing the park and to cover it with plain white linens and a dark blue duvet. He had brought the sofa from the library, and we arranged it in front of the fireplace. And that was that.

My stomach rumbled as I flopped down on it, hot despite the relative coolness of the room. Ruul was easily the hottest place we'd ever been. The Doctor leaned, sleeves rolled up to just below his elbows, against the mantel. He looked hot, too. And very thin. His trousers were riding low on his hips, I could see that despite the shirt tails untucked, in an attempt at hiding that fact from me.

“You haven't eaten much, lately,” I said.

“Not feeling hungry,” he shrugged.

“Join me in the kitchen?” I held out my hand for him to pull me up. He obliged me, nodding. Maybe I'd get him to eat something, even if it was only a bite or two. Time Lords could go without sleep for a while, but even they had to eat.

The kitchen was dominated by a massive fireplace that combined the grill and range, and a marble sink right next to it. I had given the huge old table in the centre of the room a vigorous scrubbing. There was a sideboard that now held pots and crockery and silverware from the TARDIS, and Ruul's version of a fridge. You put a small clay pot inside a bigger one and filled the space in between with wet sand and covered it with a wet cloth. The food put in the small clay pot would keep as the evaporating air cooled the clay. The only thing was we had to make sure that the sand was always wet. We kept two of these pot-in-pot fridges, one for food, and one for water and other drinks.

I got some Ruul cheese and fruit out, along with the butter. The food was not so different from what I knew. I was quite proud I had already mastered the Ruul words for them. It wasn't much I had learned in the week we'd been there, but I was proud of myself. The more I learned, I felt, the less daunting the idea of a trip to the market or town would become. Although the Doctor and I always went together, I cold not help feeling lost in my inability to talk to anyone.

So, apart from my concern for the Doctor, the language was my worst problem. The Doctor seemed to pick it up very quickly, while learning a foreign language had always meant hard work for me. I'd ask him the meaning of some words or expressions, and although he answered my questions, his heart was not in it, and more often than not his replies were brief. As though I was just being a burden, when all I wanted was to become a bit independent from him in that regard. His comment about having me to take care of still stung.

He cut some slices off the loaf of bread he'd brought back from the market the previous day, and roasted it on the grill. I smiled as I watched him.

He returned to the table and sat on the bench opposite me, putting all three slices on my plate.

“You must eat something, Doctor,” I said softly, buttering one of the slices. The butter melted into the hot bread. “Try some of this cheese. It's smoked and really mild. Have some jam with it.”

He wasn't listening.

I sighed, cutting off a piece of cheese and spread some of the green jam on the cheese. I put it on the bread and held it out for him, speaking to him in Ruulim. His eyes snapped back to me at once. “Eat this,” I said, putting as much authority into my voice as I dared.

He took the sandwich and took a small bite. His eyes lit up as the aroma of wood smoke and the slightly sour fruit unfolded on his palate. Before I knew it, he had eaten most of the bread.

“I'm not sure if the Ruulim have their cheese this way. I saw it on the telly once, and thought it worth trying,” I explained.

“It's good,” he said, running the tip of his tongue over his lips.

I smiled, relieved. “I'm glad you like it.”

It wasn't so much about him taking care of me; it was quite the other way round. I'd always taken care of him, I suddenly realised. I didn't have to be strong for him, I already was. I lowered my head, unsure whether to cry or to laugh.

“I want to get a job,” I said, buttering a slice of bread he'd dropped on my plate rather unceremoniously. He blew on his fingers, turning off the gas. “I want to work for my living. And I want to have something to do.”

He got two bottles of water from the drinks pot. “That's a good idea. To pay off the mortgage.”

I laughed, reaching out to cover his hand.

“I have no idea what I can do, though. A job, I mean. Look at me,” he said, rubbing the bottle with his thumb. A sheen of moisture was quickly building on it, drenching the colourful label, making it easy to work it off.

“I can't imagine anything you couldn't do,” I said. “There's an observatory a bit further up the hill. Why don't you give it a try there?”

He nodded. “I've got to take care of the TARDIS first. I don't want her out there, all by herself. Not in the state she's in.”

He hadn't withdrawn his hand, and I gently brushed my thumb over the back of it, through the dark hair there, tracing the course of one particularly dark vein under the pale skin. “There's that room at the base of the tower. Its vault might just be big enough to accommodate her,” I offered.

For the first time since we'd settled down, he looked at me. His eyes were well-guarded, but even so I knew what it was he didn't want me to see.

“What kind of a job are you looking for?” he asked.

I shrugged. I certainly did not want to go back to being a shop girl, or a dinner lady. “I'll have to learn the language first. Will you teach me?”

He grinned and said something in Ruulim. All I could catch was my name, and even that sounded different as he slipped so easily into the melody of this lyrical language. I just smiled, trying to hide the resurgent feeling of uselessness I’d become accustomed to since we arrived in Lufana. In all our dealings with the Ruulim, it had always been the Doctor who had taken the initiative. All I'd been able to do was to stand by and watch.

Getting up, he cleared away the plates and knives. When he passed behind me to return the leftover food to the pot, he bent and whispered: “I'd love to, Rose Tyler.”

A shiver ran down my spine, and I looked at my hands on the dark, polished wood of the table.

“Thank you for lunch. It was delicious,” he said, sitting down next to me, with his back to the table. He repeated the sentences in Ruulim, and before I knew it, he was giving me the first of many lessons. And just as he had developed an appetite for the local food, did I find I was hungry for knowledge, for learning this new language.

I’d never cared much for what they’d tried to teach us when I was at school. It had seemed pretty useless. Why learn French ? Learning a language for a test was pointless, knowing that I'd never ever get to France, not from the Powell Estates, anyway. But now I needed that new language if I wanted a life on Ruul. Now it was fun. The Doctor was a very good teacher and I found myself sort of ashamed of myself for having thought that he was patronizing me.


	4. Four: Weather

Four  
Weather

One of the best places to keep cool in Sho was the loggia in the corner looking out over the river. The loggia was square in shape, much like the tower-house, but it was open and inviting. Since we didn't use the salon – which was a shame because of its exquisite murals – we decided to move the furniture to the loggia. We never closed the windows of the loggia to allow in even the gentlest of breezes. I had found a set of coral-coloured curtains at the market, had even purchased them myself, and we had hung them from the metal rungs that spanned the graceful arches.

We spent most of the time in the loggia, dozing off the midday heat before we resumed whatever we had been doing before lunch. The Doctor had figured out a way to get the TARDIS to Sho; the front door was just high enough to fit the TARDIS, as was the door to the tower-house.

Most of the houses in Lufana had a tower-house, which in times past had served the household as a sanctuary under attack during war, but had become a symbol of the household's social standing in the Golden Age. It's funny how every country, every planet, seemed to have to go through periods of war and peace. The Doctor had yet to show me a world that had never seen war, which was probably because such a place simply didn't exist.

Our tower-house was nothing more than an attic; the previous owners had left lots of unwanted things, some of them broken, in there. It stood to about three storeys above the ground, and you could even climb to its very top on a ladder. Weeds were growing on it, and even a bush had found enough soil, although both the weeds and the bush were brown and dry from the drought. It hadn't rained at all since our arrival.

More than four weeks. Thirty-two days, to be precise.

I had picked up a diary on our last stop on Earth, so I could keep track of the time. I'd had a diary as a teenager, but at some point I'd given up keeping it. After the Doctor's regeneration I'd given writing another try. With no one else to talk to, I felt I needed to make sense of what I'd seen and done. The Doctor was always so quick to move on after an adventure, and, more often than not, unwilling to talk about our experiences. He never quite realised just how much I needed to. With him, celebratory or comforting hugs had to be enough. I often returned to the entry with the Beast's prophecy, even though it scared me to death, no matter how often I read it.

Ruulim days were two hours longer than Earth days. It wasn't much, but it was enough to take some getting used to. At least it didn't upset my keeping a diary and calendar of events. I needed to keep track of time, of my time, while travelling with the Doctor. With all the going backwards and forwards in time, I needed the reassurance of knowing exactly when I was once we were back on the TARDIS. I needed to know when it was Thursday, the day Mum and I had agreed on for our weekly chat. Of course, I wanted to be able to think of my friends on their birthdays, or of special holidays. Imagine forgetting Easter, or Bonfire Night. Unimaginable, that. Let alone Christmas. Inconceivable. Mum's birthday. My own.

According to Earth time, it was the middle of October, a month when daylight decreased by the day and temperatures were less than balmy. Sometimes I wondered if keeping this diary was such a good idea, when it was a bit hard to reconcile the local climate and timekeeping with mine. I'd never told the Doctor.

I closed the diary and left my airless room to see if I could get some sleep on the daybed in the loggia. I lay down, studying the foliage and fruit painted on the vaulted ceiling, trying to remember the Ruulim words I had learned that morning.

I turned to lie on my side, to look at the real garden. It had taken the Doctor quite a while to clean it up, to weed and to make it halfway presentable, which hadn't been easy in this dry, hot weather. Until then I'd had no idea that he had any interest in gardening, or that he was even good at it.

I lost myself in the patterns of light and dark the sun painted on the walls and tiled floor of the loggia, revising thinking about the morning's vocabulary lesson. I wanted to get out as soon as possible to find a job. The Doctor hadn't applied for one either, and I had no idea how he managed to put food on the table and pay off the mortgage. Did he have a special cash machine in one of the TARDIS rooms, so he could withdraw money in whatever currency he needed from an inexhaustible account? Or had he sold some of his things? He never told me.

“Want some water?”

His voice roused me from my thoughts. He never wore shoes or socks in the house, and I still hadn't got used to him approaching without making a sound. My hearing was good, but not that good. I pushed myself up on an elbow and accepted the bottle. Him bringing me a bottle of water in the early afternoon had become a ritual, one that I cherished. Of course, he hardly ever slept or even dozed, like me, so he chose this time to read. What with the whole of Lufana standing still in the early afternoon there was hardly anything else he could do.

“B'aruu,” I thanked him, and drank deeply.

He sat down in the space that was created by the crook of my body.

“Tok nuu sa?” I asked. He checked on the TARDIS several times a day, and she had been stable so far. She was still very weak, but at least she wasn't getting any worse. The Doctor fed her with a solution he concocted in the kitchen and that seemed to help. At least it gave him something to do. I hoped he wasn't here with bad news now. He looked so worried. I wanted to know if he was all right.

“Yeah,” he said, rolling his bottle between his palms.

I exhaled slowly, nodding.

He didn't move. “Do you get enough sleep at night?”

Startled, I sat up. “We don't go to bed until very late, so I guess that helps. But yeah, I do. Most of the time.” I knew, of course, what he was getting at. It was not about my lengthy afternoon naps. He had nightmares, the ones that make you scream and won't let you out of their clutches. And he was afraid he'd wake me because of them. Although I wanted to talk to him about them, something made me hold back and lie to him. I didn't want to add to his worries by telling him how much they upset me.

He must have sensed something, because he looked at me in alarm.

“When it's not too airless that is,” I lied, playing dumb. “What about you?”

He shrugged. “Plain old me. I don't sleep that much.”

I wanted to roll my eyes, but I couldn't quite hide my frustration. “I know that. But when you do...”

“I'm all right, Rose. I'm always all right.”

Oh Doctor, I thought, but nodded. He moved to curl up in his loveseat, and I watched him put on his glasses and open his book.

 

-:-

 

A week later, both of us had jobs. I noticed that the Doctor seemed very relieved about this, but still I had no idea if it was because it gave him something to do or if it was because we were making some money. The Observatory on top of the hill had taken him on as a scientist and lecturer, and, at his request, they had also hired me as his research assistant. He'd told them he needed an assistant, and that he didn't want to work with anyone else. The job histories he'd created for us were so strong that the Observatory Director really couldn't turn us down.

I tried to remind myself of the fact that my grasp of Ruulim was now good enough that I could survive in everyday situations, at the market, for example, but working in academia was an entirely different story. It was hard enough to follow the Doctor when he was speaking English.

“But I need you,” he said once I'd sat him down and explained that to him. “Don't you want to work with me?”

“Yeah, but... I've never been any good at science. I doubt I'll be much of a help to you.”

“Rubbish. You're brilliant, Rose Tyler. I need someone to bounce my ideas off of. To ask the right questions. To remind me... to eat.” He'd taken both my hands and was brushing his thumbs back and forth across them. “Unless you'd rather work in a shop. With real people.”

I squeezed his hands. “I don't. I'm just... I don't want to disappoint.”

He looked at me, scandalised. “Never.”

I smiled, suppressing the urge to cup his face.

 

-:-

 

Most of the time, we went to Sho for lunch and kitallun, our midday rest. Sometimes Yoru, a fellow professor at the Observatory, invited us for a meal at his house. On one of these occasions he explained that Ruul was experiencing one of the worst droughts in centuries. So far they hadn't found the reason why the rain failed to appear.

“The southern hemisphere is used to not getting much rain for four or five months in a row,” Yoru explained. “But it's been more than six months now.”

“What about ground water?” the Doctor asked.

“The levels are still high enough so we don't have to worry. But water supplies were the cause for unrest in the past, and things could become nasty. It's not only about water, though. We'll probably have food shortages to worry about too, and the North has only so much to spare for us,” Yoru said, ripping off a chunk of bread to dip it into a sauce that was similar to ketchup, but less sweet and much spicier.

The Doctor merely nodded, lost in thought. I sighed, reaching out for some fruit. If the TARDIS were all right, doing some research wouldn't present a problem to him. I could only imagine how frustrated he must be about this new reminder of his powerlessness. It wasn't something he was used to at all.

We went home for kitallun proper. I took the Doctor's hand and held it all the way from Yoru's house, two tram stops and a short walk. As we got off the tram, he tugged at my hand to draw me closer to him, cupped my cheek and kissed my temple. I was so startled by the gesture that my heart began pounding after I realised what had happened.

“Thank you,” the Doctor said, smiling softly.

Before I could ask what I had done to deserve this gesture, he'd tugged at my hand again and was pulling me behind him towards our house. It had been a while since we'd hugged, and this kiss had come very unexpectedly. I had missed this, a lot, and the gesture left me giddy.

The Doctor had withdrawn from me since our arrival. It took me a while to put that in words, and when I did, it hurt. Terribly. I'd always felt that we were very close, closer than friends, and when he withdrew I spent a lot of time wondering if it was anything I had done – or failed to do. But I couldn't find an answer, and I wasn't sure how I was supposed to feel about that.

It occurred to me, then, that he was trying to protect me.

His darker side had resurfaced in his sorrow about the TARDIS, and by withdrawing from me, by putting on a mask, he tried to protect me from it. I frequently saw a side of him that I was familiar with, from the days when we first met, but also a side that was very very dark and unsettling. Although I was touched by his wish to protect me, it also made me feel left out, because I was there, willing to help him and be there for him. Seeing him like this broke my heart.

I saw him sitting with the TARDIS quite often, folded small in the open doorway, his head resting against the blue wood. What I saw beyond him was darkness, an emptiness that threatened to draw him in and take him away from me. Every time he returned to the loggia after that – he'd often sit with her during kitallun or just before bedtime – I felt as if he had left another small part of him behind with her.

The sick TARDIS scared me.

I didn't know how to deal with her, and I also felt that the Doctor kept me away from her. I'd sneak into the tower-house when he was in the bathroom, and I'd just stand there, and sometimes touch her. It took me a while to work up the courage to talk to her. She had broken the mental connection between us. Probably to protect me, or to conserve her strength. I had no idea if she heard me.

When I entered the tower-house that day, I wondered if she had broken the connection between her and the Doctor as well.

“Have you?” I whispered into the stillness of the room, circling her, trailing my fingers across the wood in a gentle caress. “He's beside himself. I wish I could help him. And you. What's wrong with you?”

I didn't get an answer, of course.

I padded back to my room then, leaving the door open, as always. The nights were warmer, and increasingly airless now; leaving the door open sometimes lured in a light breeze. I had bought very light pyjamas at the market so I didn't have to use a sheet to cover myself. More often than not, my feet got tangled in the sheets as I lay tossing and turning. Some nights, it seemed impossible to get comfortable enough to go to sleep. Luckily, this was not one of those nights, and I drifted off to sleep easily. It had been a busy day at the Observatory.

I woke to the Doctor's screams in the middle of the night. He was having one of his nightmares, and his agony made my heart clench. Still, I lay there, listening, doing nothing. I was afraid of what he'd do if I went to him. But that day had been special, and this was the fourth night he'd woken like this. I got up, picking up the water bottle I kept on my bedside table, and went to his room at the end of the colonnade.

All was silent when I reached his room. He, too, had left his door open, and I wondered if he would again after what I was going to do.

“Doctor?” I asked, holding on to the bottle.

It was a full moon, so I could see quite well. He was lying on his bed, sheets twisted around his ankles. He was only wearing pyjama bottoms, and his skin was covered in a sheen of sweat. I could hear he was trying to even out his breathing.

“Doctor, are you all right?” I asked.

He turned his head, then sat up. I gripped the bottle harder, resisting the urge to take a step backwards and melt into the shadows of the colonnade.

“Rose,” he said, his voice hoarse. “Did I wake you?”

“No,” I lied, glad for the darkness. I noticed that his body was more muscular than I had thought, and I couldn't help wondering what his skin would feel like beneath my fingers. I blushed furiously. “I... I was thirsty and went to get some water from the kitchen. Would you like some?”

“Yeah,” he said.

He freed his feet from the tangle of sheets and swung his legs over the edge of the bed before he accepted the bottle. I tried not to look at the way his muscles moved under his glistening skin.

“Care to talk about it?” I asked, feeling bold.

“Nah, I'm all right,” he said, “it's that same old dream again. Nothing to worry about.”

All I could do was nod, even though a voice in my head screamed at me to stay with him and make him talk. He held the bottle out for me.

“Keep it,” I said. “Mira lidde, Doctor.”

He hesitated for a moment before smiling weakly. “Good night, Rose.”


	5. Five: Memories

Five  
Memories

I couldn't go back to sleep. The Doctor's cries were still echoing in my mind, and while part of me was glad for the little white lies, a far bigger part of me wondered what had kept me from going to him before he'd woken. The answer was really quite simple: because that would have only added to his pain. How could I tell him that sharing his pain wouldn't break me? That sharing might even help, not just him, but me too?

Tears welled up in my eyes, but in the darkened comfort of my room, I didn't brush them away. Just for once. What I needed was a hug and someone to tell me that everything was going to be all right. I was sick and tired of having to be strong for him. Was that what was keeping him at arm's length? Did the fact that I appeared to be coping make him think that he didn't need to talk to me?

No. We never had talked much, not about these things anyway. It was always about the running, even when we stood still, hurtling through the universe in the Time Vortex.

I hadn't yet had the heart to tell Mum why we were here. We had agreed long ago that I'd call her once a week, on Thursday nights. On the first Thursday on Ruul I called her to tell her everything was fine; that we'd found a nice planet where we'd decided to spend some time to unwind. I'm not sure she bought the story. She knew the Doctor well enough by now, from all the things I'd told her to know that it was highly unlikely we'd settle in one place for any length of time.

Luckily, the batteries on my superphone were fully charged when we arrived on Ruul. Hopefully they would last long enough for me to figure out how to tell Mum that I might not be back before the lack of power cut us off mid-sentence, as you saw it happen in films every so often. Plot device number 17.

I dreaded having to tell her. I would have preferred to tell her in person. I hate crying on the phone, and so does she. Maybe, it'd be better to tell her now, and be grateful for every conversation we'd have. But what if we found a way to heal the TARDIS and return?

The guilt I felt over my first return home, twelve months not twelve hours later, threatened to overwhelm me anew. No. I couldn't tell Mum I'd never be coming back, only to return. It would break her heart, and her trust in me. And the trust we shared was at the heart of our relationship.

In fact, I thought it also was what made the Doctor and me work. But as I lay staring into the darkness I wasn't so sure what it was that the Doctor and I had. I turned to lie on my side and brushing the tears away.

I knew I loved him, but sometimes I wondered if it was enough. I also knew I didn't know how he felt about me. Sometimes I thought I'd catch a glimpse of his true feelings for me, but they were fleeting, and before I had a chance to think about it he tugged at my hand and we were running again. Never stop, never slow down.

I was almost glad we were stranded here. He was forced to stop and breathe for a while, and think. Do some soul-searching.

I smiled, curled up on my side, and closed my eyes.

 

-:-

 

I often found myself sitting on the floor on on the far side of the door, leaning against the wall below the window of the tower. The light was dim, and it was always quite cool, so it was a good escape from the heat. I'd lose myself in the intricate patterns the sunlight painted on the blue wood as it filtered in through the elaborate latticework of the window. The patterns would shift when a breeze played in the foliage of the tree outside the window. That was when the TARDIS seemed truly alive.

Most of the time I'd just sit there, revising my vocabulary or writing in my diary. Sometimes I'd talk to the TARDIS, and sometimes my imagination would play tricks on me as it seemed that her lights flickered, ever so briefly, in response. For a moment there'd be a tingling sensation at the back of my mind, but of course that was nothing more than my imagination.

I had begun coming in to sit with her when we went to work at the Observatory. I'd come here when it was the Doctor's turn to prepare dinner, or when he stayed late to finish something up.

Coming to the TARDIS was my little secret although I'd never expected it to really stay one. There were only so many places in Sho I could go and the Doctor, no doubt, had a fairly good idea of where I was at all times. He didn't ever mention it and gave me this hour so I could spend it with her. He never joined me. Until one night.

When I looked up, he was leaning against the TARDIS, shirt sleeves rolled up and hands buried in the pockets of his blue pinstriped trousers.

“Rose.”

I dropped my hand to the unglazed tiles next to me in an inviting gesture. “Come and sit with me, Doctor.”

He pushed himself away from the ship and sat next to me taking my hand,.

“She enjoys your visits,” he offered, following the length of my fingers with his, running his thumb over my nails. “She had to sever the link between the two of you.”

“I know. I'm all right,” I added. As I rested my head against his shoulder, he wrapped his arm around me. “How is she?”

“She's stable for the moment. Very weak, though.”

“I don't suppose you know what's wrong with her?”

“No. I've still no idea. Sometimes I feel as though she doesn't want me to find out.”

We sat in silence for a while. My hand was resting on his knee. He smelled of dust and sweat. I was tempted to touch his chest, to feel his hearts-beat. We hadn't been this close in ages, and I feared that if I touched him now, he'd withdraw again.

“Don't shut me out, Doctor.”

“I'm not.” He sounded appalled.

“Yes, you are,” I said gently. “You know you can't. Shut me out.”

He laughed.

The sound sent ripples of joy through me and I shivered. Genuine laughter was something I hadn't heard coming from him in a long time. He did laugh, of course, at work or at the market or when we shared a joke of some kind. But that night it felt different. Calm and relaxed. Was he coming to terms with what had happened?

I sat up, tucking my legs beneath me.

“Can I... would you mind if I went inside the TARDIS?” I asked, encouraged by his reaction. I hadn't been on the ship since I'd collected my things. I didn't know why I hadn't. The Doctor had never explicitly forbidden me to go inside. It was an unspoken agreement that we had, and I had stuck with it. To let him grieve and to stay out of his way while he tried to figure out what the problem was.

He was shutting me out. Not consciously or deliberately. But he still did it.

His face darkened, and as the sun caught in his right eye, it turned the most beautiful shade of brown I'd ever seen it. The colour of sadness. “I'm not sure that's a good idea.”

His words hurt. And still, I was tempted to touch him. But something made me stop, and I raised my hand to tuck an errant strand of hair behind my ear. I smiled despite the tears welling up in my eyes. “See,” I said calmly, trying hard not to sound dejected. “You're doing it again. You're shutting me out.”

He looked at me, obviously searching for the right words. He opened his mouth to say something but then changed his mind. Then, eventually, he said, “I don't want you to see her like this.”

I remembered the greyish tinge of the TARDIS, how lifeless she had seemed the last time I'd been on her, and how scared I had been of her. It had taken me quite a long time to work up the courage to come and sit with her. When the Doctor sat with her, in the open doorway, I could see only darkness.

“She has got worse, hasn't she?” I sighed. I was too heartbroken to be angry with him for keeping that from me. For lying to me.

“Yeah, she has,” he said quietly, but he was obviously glad it was off his chest now.

“Is she dangerous? Contagious?” I asked. And suddenly I realised that all this was just as much about protecting me as protecting himself. He didn't want my pity. All he needed was my comfort, and as he'd said, my opinion and questions to bounce ideas off of. Oh Doctor. All you needed to do was ask.

“She's not contagious, no.”

“So it's an illness?” I asked.

He nodded. “I've never seen it before. Or heard of it.”

“Is she dangerous? Is it safe for me to go inside her?” I asked. Now that I'd got him to open up, I wasn't going to give up easily.

He turned to look at me, and again the sunlight caught in his brown iris. “I simply don't know, Rose.”

“It's safe for you,” I pointed out. As soon as it was out of mind I realised. He was Gallifreyan, a Time Lord. He shared a special bond with his TARDIS. She wouldn't hurt him. I realised that I knew so little about his ship. “Tell me about her.”

“Well,” he began. “It's a long story.”

“And it's a warm summer's night. Perfect for a good story. Let's have dinner in the loggia, and you can tell me all about her, yeah?” I asked, pushing the tip of my tongue between my teeth. It worked, of course. He'd never been able to resist it.

 

-:-

 

Dinner was a simple affair of cold grilled vegetables, cheese, a paste made of dried spicy berries, and a trimullo – a very juicy cantaloupe that tasted of elderflower and apples – and warm bread. Ruulim bread was unlike any other kind of bread I'd ever tasted. The loaves were pale and unleavened and best served warm. They had a lovely crust outside, and were soft and honey-coloured inside. The Doctor topped up our cups with wine that was so strong we always watered it down.

“I stole the TARDIS,” he began. We were sitting on cushions on the floor to have our dinner at the coffee table in the loggia, and he leaned back against the loveseat as he continued the story. I was propped against the daybed. “I stole her because I'd broken the law and needed to escape Gallifrey.”

I sipped the cool wine, enjoying its slightly bubbly character on my tongue. His revelation didn't surprise me. While I hadn't expected anything like this, I had sensed that what he was going to tell me was unusual. “What was it you'd done?” I asked, curious. This was one of the rare occasions when I could learn something about him, and I wanted to embrace it.

“What I've been doing for forever: Travelling across the universe,” he said, studying the contents of his cup. Then he looked up at me. “There was a time when Time Lords were not allowed to travel. But I did.”

“Out of curiosity?” I guessed.

“At first, yes. Then to do what we've been doing. Saving the day,” he said, smiling wistfully.

He wasn't used to sitting still. How horrible our being stranded here must be for him. Still, it didn't explain why he was running. What was it that had first piqued his curiosity? What had lured him away from home and made him break the law?

We were silent for a while, and the spell of sharing memories was broken.

“Can you ask the TARDIS if it's okay for me to enter?” I asked, mopping up some of the juice of the grilled vegetables with a chunk of bread.

“You can ask her yourself,” he said.

I furrowed my brow. Then, suddenly, I understood, and I opened my mouth in surprise.

“She doesn't really flash her lights for you,” he said, chuckling. “It's a projection.”

“She can still do that? Despite the broken link and everything?”

He nodded. “Don't expect too much. And don't be scared when you go.”

“You aren't coming with me?” I asked, balancing my cup on my knee. The idea of entering the TARDIS by myself was a bit daunting, particularly with his warning in mind.

His reply was the third time that day that he surprised me. “It might be a good idea to go to her with a fresh set of eyes. I've examined and poked and prodded her so much that I fear I can't see clearly anymore,” the Doctor said.


	6. Six: Kiss

Six  
Kiss

I gasped as the cool flannel touched the back of my neck. Reaching to cover the hand that had placed it there, I discovered that it was not the Doctor's. The hand slipped from beneath my fingers as I turned around. It was Yoru standing there. He smiled sheepishly, and his ears coloured with embarrassment when I looked at him.

“I thought you could do with something cool,” he said softly.

“Yeah,” I smiled, holding the flannel in place. “Thanks. What time is it anyway?” We had been working on a report for the Observatory's Board of Sponsors since we had returned from our midday break. The offices at the Observatory were just as airless as those at Sho, and because the shutters were closed to keep the heat out it was hard to tell what time it was. Or at least I couldn't. I hadn't had enough time yet to get used to the way the light changed in the course of the day.

“Finishing time,” Yoru replied. “Dinner time.”

“Oh no,” I gasped. “It's my turn to make dinner tonight. And I need to pick up some things at the market. It'll have closed by now, won't it?”

“I'm afraid so. You should have told me, Rose, we could have finished earlier,” Yoru said.

“But we need to finish that report,” I protested.

“Ah, bah, that can wait. We made far better progress than I'd expected,” he said. His normally open face seemed somehow guarded, as if he wanted to say more. “I'm glad you're here, Rose. I don't know what I'd do without you.”

I averted my eyes. His eyes were lovely and black and very expressive, but what I saw in them right then made me uncomfortable. The way he'd said my name was far more tender than it should have been. My name sounded different when he said it, because the Ruulim language doesn't have that vowel – so he made the o longer, and his thin lips formed into a perfect circle when he used it.

I removed the flannel from the back of my neck and wrapped it around my wrist instead. “You'd do just fine,” I murmured, covering the flannel with my hand. I looked up again.

Yoru took a deep breath. “Rose, can I ask you something?”

Warily, I nodded.

“The Doctor and you, are you... ” His voice trailed off.

Now it was my turn to take a deep breath. “I... I... ” I moved the flannel from one wrist to the other. I couldn't tell him about my feelings for the Doctor. I loved him, but the Doctor deserved to hear these words first, if ever I should get the chance to speak them out loud.

Yoru merely nodded, smiling softly. He was about to reach out for me when someone knocked on the open door. It was the Doctor, who had probably come to pick me up. I jumped a bit, wondering how long he'd been there, and at the same time I was relieved that he'd chosen this moment to appear. I really liked Yoru; he was a fine scientist and a nice man, but the way he had just looked at me spoke volumes. He had a crush on me. I was flattered, but at the same time I felt very awkward.

“You ready to go home, Rose?” Although the Doctor spoke in Ruulim, he pronounced my name in English.

“I don't know,” I said, shaking off my musings. I turned to Yoru, who looked a bit crestfallen. “Am I?”

“Yes,” he said, smiling bravely. He spoke to the Doctor. “We made really good progress. The rest can wait until tomorrow.”

“Brilliant!” the Doctor beamed, putting on his hat with a flourish.

“Thanks, Yoru,” I said, giving his arm a squeeze before I returned the flannel to him and picked up my bag. Joining the Doctor, I slid my hand into his before we wished Yoru a restful night.

Once outside I inhaled the dusty, hot air deeply. The Doctor squeezed my hand, and when I looked up at him I found his eyes hidden in the shadow of the brim of his hat. “I think,” I began, but the Doctor interrupted me.

“I think, Rose Tyler, that we should treat ourselves to dinner at a restaurant tonight. What do you think?”

He was smiling in anticipation, as if he were afraid of my answer. Was he asking me out on a date? I slipped on my sunglasses, unsure why I tried to hide when it was impossible to do so. My heart was thumping wildly in my chest, and he must be able to feel it as my palm rested against his. “I think it's a lovely idea.”

We'd never been out for a meal, not counting the occasional lunch at Yoru's. We found a lovely restaurant that offered seating in its shady, cool cloister as opposed to the many other restaurants whose tables and sunshades were sprawling out onto the pavement. As dusk was falling, the gaslights were turned on and their gentle hiss mingled with the chirping of the Ruulim crickets. It being a week night, there weren't many patrons apart from us, and the quiet of the cloister garden was comforting.

Days at the Observatory had become busy. Open Day was coming up and we had several projects to finish. Yoru had asked for my help since the Doctor was so engrossed in a project for which he didn't need me. I had been glad, because I hate sitting around without anything useful to do.

I flushed, and this time I had neither my hat nor my sunglasses to hide it.

“Are you all right, Rose?” the Doctor asked over the rim of his cup of wine. The waiter had clearly been a bit appalled when we watered it down, but he hadn't commented on it.

“Yeah,” I said. “Yeah, I'm fine.” The situation with Yoru was so new that I hadn't even had time yet to think it over. Telling the Doctor before I had a chance to work out what had happened would be a mistake, one I was sure I'd regret. A mistake I wasn't going to make. I knew it was a step back from the new level of trust we'd established, and I hated lying to him, but I knew that telling him would make things worse. The memory of how he'd been around Jack and Mickey was still fresh, and our relationship – whatever kind of relationship it was – was too fragile at the moment for me to willingly jeopardise it.

It also meant that I couldn't ask him about the nature of our relationship.

The Doctor covered my hand with his. “It's been crazy at the Observatory lately,” he said as if to apologise.

I laughed. “You must love it.”

He lowered his eyes to our hands, turning his hand so mine was resting in it, his thumb stroking my tanned skin. “I do. But what about you, Rose?” He met my eyes. “Are you... is... are you all right with that?”

I held his gaze, wondering for a minute what to say. “It's like a mad rush,” I began, carefully choosing my words. “Sometimes it's a bit overwhelming, especially because I'm still learning Ruulim.”

The Doctor nodded thoughtfully, his thumb still brushing absent-mindedly over my hand. It was a soothing gesture, and it sent pleasant tingles down my spine. I drew in a deep breath. “I think you're brilliant, Rose.”

I smiled, brushing the hair off my sticky forehead. “You haven't said that in a long time.” It felt so good to hear these words. I made a lot of mistakes, of course, some of which were due to the language barrier, others because I did not know much about Astronomy and Astrophysics to begin with, and least of all about this alien sky. At home, at least, I'd been able to pick out the Big Dipper and the Cassiopeia. Ruul's constellations were completely foreign to me. All I could see when I looked up into the night sky were stars of different sizes and degrees of brightness scattered across the dark velvet.

“I'm sorry,” he said, crestfallen. “You are brilliant, Rose.”

I gave his fingers a reassuring squeeze before withdrawing my hand so I could take the plate of fruit the waiter was passing me.

-:-

I opened my eyes without giving them the chance to adapt to the dim light in my room. Something had roused me from my fitful slumber, and I groaned. Two pairs of eyes had followed me into my sleep, one pitch black, the other a warm chocolate, both of them pleading and fathomless and loving in turns. Voices whispered my name in different languages, and I was desperate to give them an answer to their questions. The words were clearly formed in my mind, but I could not put voice to them, no matter how hard I tried.

I listened to the sounds of the night and my own breathing, the whisper of the cotton over my skin as I drew up a leg. The sound that had roused me must have come from an animal. With a sigh I turned over and tried to get comfortable again. It was the time of the night when the temperature dropped to a comfortable level – scorching, Mum would have called it, judging by the standards of an English summer.

“Rose!”

My eyes snapped open again, my heart pounding. The Doctor was dreaming. His cries were distinct enough for me to hear my name among the groans. I blushed.

I sat bolt upright when he practically howled my name in pain and terror. My heart constricted. This time I couldn't pretend I didn't hear him. This time, I'd go to him and would not pretend I'd just happened by. I'd been surprised he'd bought the story of getting water in the first place, because the shortest way from my room to the kitchen did not go past his room.

I hurried to his room, following the sound of my name and much softer cries.

“No... Rose... please no... you... you can't do this... Rose, don't go... stay with me... not... I've lost... please, Rose,” he muttered, struggling with the sheet. His legs were trapped in its folds, and as he tore at the material to get rid of it, he got tangled up even more.

“Doctor,” I said timidly, sitting down on the edge of his bed. I reached out for his wrist, and as I wrapped my had around it, he screamed, sitting up and jerking away from me. Startled, I cried his name when he tried to push me away.

“Doctor,” I repeated more calmly, “it's me, Rose, it's just me. I'm here.” I managed to hold onto his arms so he didn't accidentally hit me.

“Rose?” he asked, his breathing beginning to calm as he realised he was no longer dreaming.

“Yes, I'm here. It was just a dream, Doctor,” I said, trying my best to sound reassuring and firm despite how shaken I was. I'd never seen him like this before, and I knew I couldn't even begin to imagine what terrors must fill his dreams.

“Rose,” he said, panting, “you're here.”

Before I could reply, he pulled me into his arms and held me tight. I could feel the rapid beating of his hearts against my chest, and the skin of his back was so slick I couldn't hold onto him without hurting him. I cupped the back of his head with one hand, pressing his face into my shoulder. I turned my head and kissed whatever part of him I could reach.

“I'm here, Doctor,” I repeated, beginning to draw soothing circles on his back.

“Oh Rose,” he said as he withdrew. “It was absolutely terrifying.”

“It's over now, Doctor,” I said, “it was just a dream.” The images that had filled my semi-conscious mind were nothing compared to his terrors. I cupped his cheek, bristly and sweaty as it was, but the Doctor had never felt more alive to me than in this instant.

He mirrored my gesture and pulled me towards him, his eyes seeking permission for what he was about to do. “I'm not going anywhere without you, Doctor,” I whispered, and then he kissed me.

My eyes fluttered shut as soon as our lips touched, and the sensation was so new and overwhelming, so different from what I'd expected it to be, that I froze for an instant. “Is this all right, Rose?” the Doctor asked, pulling back a little.

“It's... perfect,” I whispered. When he kissed me again, his lips felt like a cooling balm on mine, tingling a little. I closed my eyes, enjoying the sensation, leaning my cheek into his palm, opening my lips to invite him to deepen the kiss.

Kissing a Gallifreyan is like kissing someone who's just eaten ice-cream. As his cool tongue swept over mine, I shivered in pleasure and surprise. I certainly hadn't expected it to be like this. His skin was hot and sticky beneath my fingers, and definitely warm in the other places our bodies touched. I let him kiss me for a while to get used to this new sensation. When I took over, dipping my tongue past his lips and teeth I found that his mouth was just as pleasantly cool, and underneath the toothpaste I could taste him.

I had to break the kiss much sooner than I wanted to. “See, I'm here,” I reassured him, letting go of his cheek to rake my fingers through his tousled hair.

“Sometimes dreams can be very vivid,” the Doctor said. “You can never tell if it's a dream or for real.”

“Yeah, I know,” I mused.

For a few moments we held each other's gaze in the darkness. Then I shifted, tucking my leg beneath me so I was more comfortable and reached out for him for another kiss. His arms came up around me and he gently, carefully lowered me onto the mattress as we kissed. Wrapping his arms around me, he gently lowered me to the bed as we kissed, resting on his elbows to keep his full weight off of me. After a few moments, he pulled back a bit, brushing an errant lock of hair from my face and gave me a chance to catch my breath.

“At least this seems to be a nice dream,” he murmured, nuzzling my cheeks and chin and ears with his nose. His breath was cool on my skin, and I blushed that he should want to touch me when I was so sticky and hot. I had taken a bath before going to bed, of course, but that was nothing but a memory.

“Doctor,” I began, shifting beneath him, touching the sides of his torso. He wasn't wearing a shirt, and I briefly closed my eyes to rein in my wayward thoughts. “I'm all sticky and hot and...”

“Rose, if you want me to stop, I'll stop.” All playfulness was gone from his voice.

I bit my lip. “I don't want you to stop.” The words were out of my mouth before I had a chance to realise what I was saying. I could feel his erection pressing into my thigh, and the idea that I had done that to him made me giddy. “I'm here, aren't I?” I drew him down to me for another lingering kiss. I decided I'd let him set the pace and take it as far as he wanted to. I had made my decision long ago. I loved him, and I trusted him completely.

He made himself comfortable, stretching out by my side. His free hand drifted over the bare skin on my stomach where my camisole had ridden up, drawing a shuddering gasp from my lips. His touch was nothing more than a whisper, tickling ever so slightly, and making pleasure pool deep down inside me.

“Your skin,” he whispered, showering my face with kisses, “it's so soft.”

I sucked in my breath as his hand disappeared beneath the fabric and his fingers brushed my ribs, the underside of my breast. I moved minutely to encourage him, and then he covered my breast with his palm, gently massaging it. My eyes fluttered shut, and he kissed me again. I arched into him, into his touch and kiss, digging my fingers into his back to tell him not to stop.

“I need you, Rose,” he said, seeking the reply in my eyes.

I nodded. I was a little overwhelmed as I was reminded of what his dream must have been like that he reacted so strongly. “Was it that bad, your dream?” I asked.

In the half light I saw his Adam's apple bob as he struggled with an answer. He was about to say something, finally, when I reached up to kiss him. While kissing him, I pushed him back onto the mattress. He looked at me in bewilderment as I sat up, and he reached out for my arm to make me stay.

I lit the gaslight above the headboard, and after the initial flutter, the flame hissed calmly in its tinted glass cylinder. My heart constricted at the fear I saw flash in his eyes. “I'm not going anywhere,” I reassured him. I grabbed the hem of my camisole and pulled it up and over my head. Then I stood to take off my shorts, always holding the Doctor's gaze. He stared at me in wonder as I stood before him naked. “It's not a dream.”

He nodded.

I bent forward, feeling bold, and hooked my fingers into the elastic of his pyjamas. “Help me,” I whispered. His hips rose off the bed, and I pulled the fabric down his legs. He lay back and I took a moment to take him in. He was thin, but under his tan skin rippled strong muscles. There was a smattering of hair on his chest, and a thin line led from his navel to his erection. I bit my lip as I suppressed a smile. He wasn't any different than a human male in that department.

“Do you like what you see then?” he rasped.

I nodded, but couldn't help a cheeky grin. “No tan lines?”

“Gallifreyan skin tans evenly, whether the skin is exposed or not,” he chuckled. “Come here, I can't see you.” He held out his hand for me to pull me down beside him.

I flushed at his intense scrutiny, but after all it was only fair.

He whispered something that I couldn't understand but it was beautiful, and strange, and very arousing. It sounded beautiful and strange and it was very arousing. I felt warmth rush to my womb, and I pressed my thighs together. “Tam shia ngarthu.”

I gave myself over to his kisses and caresses, to his hands and lips, to his teeth and tongue. He made me feel beautiful and sexy, and soon my whole body was singing with pleasure. He kept murmuring as he explored my skin and my little imperfections. Somewhere in a still coherent place of my mind I knew it must be his native tongue, but all I cared about was his tongue on my skin. I twisted and turned and stretched under his ministrations, reduced to sighs and whispers. I've never been very vocal while making love, I'm too caught up in my pleasure to be able to form a coherent sentence.

“Tam shia ngarthu, Rose,” the Doctor whispered, his voice full of awe. “I... I'm sorry, Rose, but I... I need you. So much. Is it okay if...?”

“I want this too,” I said, touched by his concern. I opened my legs for him, and before I knew what was happening he was touching my wet folds. The air filled with the smell of my arousal, and he pushed one finger inside me, then a second. I gasped, my hands seeking something to hold onto, but finding nothing but the sheets.

He found my clit, and with a few deft brushes he sent me close to the edge. I arched off the mattress, throwing my head back in silent agony.

“Tam shia ngarthu, Rose,” I heard the Doctor say.

“Doctor, please,” I moaned.

He aligned himself with my body. “Look at me, Rose,” he said, his breath cool on my damp skin. It took me a lot of willpower to open my eyes. He was smiling down at me, his eyes darker and more full of love and need than I'd ever seen them before. I smiled back, but it felt faint. Maybe my muscles didn't obey me, or maybe I was already smiling. He laced the fingers of his right hand through mine.

He slid into me achingly slowly, but it had been some time since I'd been with a man and I was grateful for the time to adjust. I opened my mouth to moan or gasp or say something, but nothing happened. Feeling him inside me was so overwhelming. I'd never felt so complete.

I arched into him and opened my legs even wider to get as much of him as possible. When I opened my eyes he was looking at me. “Fiteo tu sirati?”

I remembered. “I am all right. 's wonderful, Doctor.” I tightened my muscles around him, and his eyes fluttered shut with a groan. Our hands were still linked, and I brushed my thumb over the back of his hand.

“Ildiem tu faronn, Rose, ngarthu sam Rose,” he whispered.

Then he began to move. Again, I shifted a little beneath him, and when he next pushed back into me I cried out in pleasure as he brushed that secret spot inside me. II let go of his hand and pulled him closer, to feel as much of him as possible, trying to share my pleasure with him. He held me to him, setting a rhythm that was just perfect, but because we needed to be so close to each other, he didn't reach that spot anymore. He still brushed my clit, but I needed more if I wanted to come.

I decided then that this was not about me. He needed me, and I loved him. And if I could make him feel better I would. I threaded my fingers into his hair, holding him, whispering soothing and encouraging words as he nuzzled my pulse point. His breath was becoming warmer on my skin, and the air in the room was filled with the gentle hiss of the gaslight and the wet sounds of our bodies, with his moans and my whispers.

Just as the Doctor's movements were heralding his climax, he cupped the side of my face, his fingertips on my temple. “I'm sorry, Rose, so sorry,” he panted before thrusting into me with wild abandon. Before I even had a chance to understand what he had told me, the intense feeling of pleasure I had enjoyed earlier washed over me, only to ebb away as he pulled out, and return with an intensity so powerful I opened my mouth but forgot to scream as he thrust into me one last time. My muscles clenched around him, holding him in place as he spilled into me.

The Doctor cried out above me as he stilled, and as his hand dropped away from my temple, so did the feelings of our shared orgasm. Only tiny ripples of it remained after he cut the link, just enough to tingle pleasantly on my skin, like summer rain.

Tears welled up in my eyes at the loss, and I was glad he couldn't see them. I had pulled him back into my arms, so I could feel his hearts-beat. His weight was comforting, and as I calmed down, I tried not to cry. It had been so wonderful, but so brief. I drew soothing circles on the damp skin of his back.

I had wanted to give him this, the comfort of my body, without asking anything in return. He'd made my body sing, and even if I hadn't come, the pleasure would still have been nearly overwhelming. But that I was there for him when he needed me only added to the sensation. The feeling of loss as he cut me off was stronger than the feeling of completion when he was inside me.

That was why he had said the three words earlier, the three words that never failed to chill me to the bone.

Eventually, he moved and slid out. I closed my legs firmly and gave him a shaky smile. He stood and left, and after a while he returned with a damp flannel. “Here, let me help you,” he offered, touching my thigh. I rose onto my elbows and watched him clean me up.

“Thank you,” I said, reaching out to touch his cheek.

“No,” he said, dropping the flannel to the floor, “thank you, Rose.”

Again, all I could give him was a shaky smile. He was slipping away from me, I could feel it, even when he stretched out on the bed beside me and pulled me towards him.

“Mira lidde, Doctor,” I mumbled as I made myself comfortable in the crook of his shoulder.

When I woke the next morning, I was alone in his bed. My pyjamas lay neatly folded by the foot-board, and a bottle of water and a bowl of fruit and oats were set out on the chair that doubled as a bedside table.

I knew then that the Doctor had already left for work.

I slumped back onto the bed and stared at the dark beams for a long long while before I wanted to move.


	7. Seven: Food

Seven  
Food

“I'm sorry for what happened yesterday.”

I looked up from the textbook I was pouring over. I had to concentrate very hard to get the gist of the text, and I took copious notes to review later so that I didn't forget anything important.

“Sorry?” I whispered, looking at Yoru who was sitting at the desk across from mine. We were alone in this section of the library. It was obvious he had wanted to tell me something ever since I arrived at his office to finish the report.

“I'm sorry for what happened yesterday,” he repeated. The second time he said it, he sounded relieved, and he held my gaze.

“Don't worry about it,” I said, putting down my pen. “It's okay.”

“Do you think we can... be friends?” He sounded hopeful, and I sighed inwardly. I knew exactly what he felt, because things between the Doctor and me were – or had been – much the same. However, I wasn't quite so sure about that anymore after what had happened the night before. I hadn't seen the Doctor all day, not even for kitallun, which I had spent in the Observatory's small cloister eating a sandwich Yoru had brought for me. Part of me was actually quite grateful for the breathing space, while another wanted to curl up on my bed and have a good cry.

I smiled at him. “I'd love to.”

Yoru returned my smile, even more relieved. “I wasn't quite sure about you and the Doctor.”

I kept smiling. Neither was I, not anymore. He had left me breakfast, and he had covered me up with the thin sheet before he left. But he had left. It would have been an entirely different story if he'd just risen early. I would have understood that, because he doesn't need much sleep. But he had left for work – why else would he have left me breakfast on his makeshift bedside table?

“I promised him forever,” I said softly, surprising myself.

“You are married? I–“ Yoru's ears turned a dark shade of pink. “I am very sorry about – Ruulmira, how can I ever... I–“ He stood and paced around.

My mind raced. “We're not married, Yoru.” Or were we? If by Ruulim standards promising someone forever meant marriage, then we were married. And really, Earth vows were not that much different. We just tend to avoid looking for the meaning behind the words. The Doctor had taught me that, not in so many words, of course.

“But you promised him forever, didn't you? You said that, right?”

I wasn't sure how much he knew about us, how much the Doctor had told him. For all I knew Yoru saw me as a foreigner, still learning the language, and consequently making unintended errors.

“I did,” I said softly.

Yoru stopped pacing and sat on the chair next to me. “Then you are married.”

“But I told only him. There were no witnesses present, or an officiant,” I explained.

“That's enough,” he said. “I'm sorry.”

I wasn't quite sure if he was sorry for suggesting adultery or that according to Ruulim law I was married to the Doctor. I lowered my gaze to my hands. “Don't. It's...” I looked up at him again. “I'm glad I learned it from a friend and not a stranger,” I said, reaching out for his hand to give him a reassuring squeeze.

After that, we settled back down to finish our work. When I looked up, I saw the Doctor standing at one of the shelves. His hat was lying on the far end of the desk. He had come to pick me up, as he always did when it was time to go home. My heart skipped a beat.

He was wearing a pair of trousers I'd never seen him in before. They were cream-coloured, and judging from the wrinkles, they were made of linen. He wasn't wearing his Converse either, but brown leather shoes. The sight of him without a jacket was nothing new anymore, but my mouth still went dry at the sight of him in a light white shirt with the sleeves rolled up, and braces.

Yoru must have noticed my surprise and turned around in his chair. “Ah, Doctor, we're almost done here, aren't we, Rose?”

I closed my book with exaggerated care. “Yeah, yeah, I am.” I met Yoru's gaze, not trusting myself to be able to look at the Doctor without letting on how I felt about the previous night. Because I didn't know how I felt about it. About him.

“Brilliant!” the Doctor said, grinning. He shelved the book and came towards me. His expression was inscrutable. I busied myself with putting my notes into my bag and handing the books I'd used to the librarian who would return them to their proper place. As we left, the Doctor slipped his hand into mine as if nothing had happened. I didn't curl my fingers around his at once, and we exchanged a brief glance. The expression in his eyes was a strange mixture of joy and regret and hope.

We went home in almost, but not quite, companionable silence, our hands joined. I stroked the back of his thumb with mine reassuringly from time to time, and he replied in kind. But by the time we reached Sho the expression was gone. He had tucked away his emotions in the farthest reaches of his mind.

“I need a bath,” I said wearily when he let go of my hand to lock up for the night. If I failed at covering up my resignation, he didn't let on. He merely nodded. It was his turn to cook tonight, so I had about an hour to myself, and I wanted to spend it in the bath rather than with the TARDIS. Now that I had his permission – or blessing, rather – to spend time with her, to even enter her, I once again felt daunted by the prospect of doing exactly that. I even ducked my head as I passed the door of the tower. “Not today, okay?” I whispered.

The bathtub in Sho was spectacular. It was a grand affair made of smooth, heat-conducting stone that was sunk into the floor to benefit from the hypocaust heating in winter. The Ruulim took advantage of the geothermal activities, and like every house, Sho was connected to a vast network of naturally hot water and steam. In the short winter months, the floors were heated from below by supplying hot air or steam.

Because of the water shortage and the heat I'd usually do with a shower instead of luxuriating in the tub. I opened the tap to fill the bathtub with hot water. I had bought a ball of bubble bath and I dropped it into the steaming water before I took my clothes off. In retrospect, I cannot say why I needed that bath so desperately, why I revelled in it as I did. I did not feel dirty by what had happened with the Doctor. It was an act of love, something I'd given him freely and gladly. I had not understood the words the Doctor had whispered to me, although I could tell from his tone that they were warm and welcoming. Reverent, possibly. But he had wrapped himself up in his native language, and I did not know why.

And now he didn't even acknowledge what had happened.

I still cannot put into words how I felt about that. Loved. Appreciated. Feminine. Taken advantage of. Betrayed.

A bath has always helped me to return to some kind of equilibrium.

The bathroom quickly filled with the scent of the bubble bath, and a sheen of sweat covered my body as the mirrors steamed up. I turned off the tap when the tub was full and lowered myself into the bath with the help of the steps hewn into the stone. I submerged myself almost as soon as I'd settled into the warm water. I stayed under for as long as I could hold my breath. The warmth in the room was comparatively cool on my skin when I came up, spluttering and smoothing my hair back. As always, the tension melted away from me within minutes. I played idly with the foam before I took a flannel and rubbed my skin pink. When I was done, I settled back and contemplated the pattern painted on the wooden ceiling. I soon lost myself in the geometry and colours, and at some point I must have dozed off.

“Rose?”

I blinked, even in the early evening light of the bathroom. The Doctor was standing in the doorway.

“Yeah?”

“Dinner's almost ready,” he said.

“Great,” I said mildly.

The Doctor nodded, a bit dejectedly at my less than enthusiastic reaction.

When I joined him in the kitchen, he welcomed me with home-made pasta. I noticed because apart from the fact that the spaghettini were uneven, the Ruulim didn't have pasta. He'd made pesto sauce, Ruulim style. I smiled. “This smells delicious,” I said, biting back any comment referring to the meal's being very special. I loved pasta second only to fish and chips, and he knew this.

The Doctor beamed, helping me to sit on the bench across from his usual seat.

I opened my mouth to tell him how much I appreciated the gesture, but he placed two of his fingers on my lips.

“Don't,” he said. “Let me do this for you.”

I was as touched. The Doctor was sweet, considering that he went to quite a lot of trouble to show me his feelings. But I was also disappointed To him, it was always showing as opposed to telling. I wondered why he couldn't give voice to his feelings.

I twirled my fork in my pasta and took a mouthful. The pasta was perfect, as was the sauce. He'd used the herbs growing in the one spot of Sho's cloister that benefited from shadows the most. “It's delicious,” I said, in between two forkfuls.

He opened his mouth to say something, but the moment passed and he opted for a smile instead.

We talked about the Open Day, and what else he was working on. It was an enjoyable meal, punctuated by jokes and laughter, but I never felt quite at home with him as I had, and I wondered if it was my imagination.

“Thank you,” I said once I cleared our dinner plates away. “That was delicious.” He smiled at me, and for a moment I thought he'd lean in and kiss my forehead, but he stopped himself at the last moment.

I wondered if his feelings for me didn't go beyond making sure I ate properly, and for the briefest, most fleeting of moments, I also wondered if I'd given Yoru the right answer. I felt ashamed for the thought afterwards.

When I lay down in my bed that night, I missed the Doctor's arm around me. It had only been one night that we'd spent together, more than I'd ever hoped for, or dared dream of, and yet there I lay, wishing he were there with me. A silly, girlish dream.

As always, he ghosted around Sho that night. I couldn't go to sleep, and I saw him standing in the doorway to my room, watching me sleep. I watched him for a while, glad for the cover the deep shadows gave me. Although he didn't sleep, he wore his pyjama bottoms.

“I can't sleep,” I said after a while.

“You've been watching me?” he squeaked, clearly embarrassed.

I chuckled. “So've you.”

He pushed away from the doorway.

I lifted my head off my arm to extend my hand to him. “Care to join me?”

A long while seemed to pass before he nodded. I scooted backwards to make room for him on my bed, but as I made to draw him towards me, to hold him, he stilled my hands. “No. Let me make up for this morning.”

I searched his eyes, but in the dim light of my room, I couldn't read them. I nodded, settling against the length of his body once he had made himself comfortable. Placing my hand on his sternum, I could feel his hearts beating rapidly.

I giggled, brushing my fingers over his chest.

“What?” he asked.

“It's a bit late for being nervous,” I said.

“Well, I've been like this the whole day.”

Pleasant surprise rippled through me. “Why'd you leave this morning?” I asked.

I heard and felt him suck in a breath, and was afraid I'd pressed him too hard too soon.

“I...” he began. “You've given me this amazing gift, Rose. And I let you down.”

I didn't know what to say. “Why?” was all I managed eventually.

“I didn't know how to thank you. Properly.”

“Oh.” There was a thing or two that came to mind, but this wasn't the moment for brushing this away lightly. When I realised just how upset the Doctor was about his failure to thank me I bit my lip. There I'd gone and second-guessed his feelings, when his actions had spoken volumes. “I did it for you, because I wanted to,” I said, raising my head and resting my chin lightly on his chest. I hoped I was being clear enough about the fact that I hadn't done it out of pity.

For some reason, however, I wasn't yet ready to tell him how I really felt about him. Something made me hold back, and it was probably a good thing too. We had to take this one step at a time, and sleeping together had been a huge one.

“And I'm glad I did,” I added.

“Oh Rose,” the Doctor moaned, tightening his arms around me. “Sometimes I'm not sure I deserve you.”

Oh Doctor, I thought, my heart constricting. Whatever could I possibly say to that – something he'd believe? So I kissed his chest and nestled up against him, drawing lazy patterns on his skin. He returned the gesture on my arm, and dropped the occasional kiss on my hair.

I fell asleep eventually, and when I woke, he was propped up against the headboard, engrossed in a book.

I smiled, thinking I could wake like this every day.


	8. Eight: Trust

Eight  
Trust

It was the Friday, a week away from Open Day, and I was very glad for the upcoming weekend. Work had been crazy, and I had made an embarrassing mistake Yoru had been able to rectify. Unfortunately, Setiu, the Director, had learned of it, and I was summoned to her office. I didn't defend my actions. Two separate, contradictory, memos had been released and I had unknowingly followed the wrong one. I hadn't learned much in my short career as a shop-girl at Henrik's, or before that as an office hand, but I knew never to antagonise the boss. It was how I lost the office job.

Knowing that my mistake was solely down to the Director's carelessness didn't make it any easier to take. Especially since it wasn't the first time she'd created confusion. My sense of justice was just too strong, and by the time I met the Doctor for kitallun, I was seething. Yoru had already had to listen to my rant, and he had reassured me that he would have made the same fault. I was desperate for the Doctor to tell me that it wasn't my mistake. Although my grasp of Ruulim was quite good, I needed to hear that this fault was not an error of my making.

What was even worse was that the calm of waking with him in my bed that morning had evaporated. Why is it always the bad things that decide our mood for the day, no matter how well the day began nor how it continued?

When the Doctor met me in the Observatory's small cloister for lunch, I rose from my seat to hug him. He returned it, holding me tight as he sensed my need for a comforting gesture. He pressed a kiss to my temple and held me until I let go of him. I didn't care about the others seeing us like this, and I was glad he didn't either. He didn't even tense when I first drew him towards me. The small cloister was a very popular kitallun spot, but the window seats offered some privacy.

We sat in our usual spot, my legs between his to be more comfortable in the narrow space between the seats facing each other. Just like Sho, the Observatory looked out over the river below. A light breeze was blowing up from the river, offering a bit of breathing space, and I watched it play in his hair as he unwrapped the sandwiches I had picked up at one of the nearby shops.

I was grateful to be able to revert to English to blow off steam.

“Do you want me to talk to Setiu?” he asked once I had finished. He had already eaten half his sandwich.

“No,” I said, sighing and leaning back. “You know how she is. It'll only make things worse. She isn't too happy with me being here as it is and I don't want to give her even more reason to fire me.”

“No one's going to fire you. You're my assistant.”

I blushed, taking a bite of my cheese sandwich. For all the Ruulim knew, especially given our display of affection earlier, we were a married couple. Chances were, of course, he was aware of the fact; he could be surprisingly oblivious to things like this. I let it go, hoping he hadn't noticed my reaction as he took a swig from his water bottle. “But I've been working with Yoru a lot lately.”

“Because he asked,” the Doctor replied, setting the bottle on the wide ledge, “and it's only for as long as it takes to organise the Open Day.”

I sighed. “I wish it were over already,” I said, trying not to sound whiny. He reached out to cup my cheek and leaned in for a chaste kiss. His lips were cool from the water he'd just had. I froze in surprise.

It was over just as quickly, and the expression on my face must have been priceless. The Doctor grinned broadly, and for the first time since we'd arrived, there was a twinkle in his eyes. My heart skipped a beat, and I briefly wondered if he finally managed to settle in a bit. Before I could dwell on this thought, and, in fact, search his eyes for signs of proof, I noticed a movement out of the corner of my eyes. When I turned my head, Yoru was standing just outside our niche.

“Oh hello,” I said, unable, this time, to hide my blush. I smiled at him. For a fleeting moment I wondered what it was he had seen. I knew, after all, that as far as he was concerned, the Doctor and I were a couple. Hopefully, we hadn't broken any rule with our hug and the kiss. I also felt sorry for making it so plain to him that he had no hope of ever winning my heart. I blushed even more and looked at my lunch.

“Sorry for interrupting you.”

The Doctor nodded, but when I looked up at him I was surprised to see regret flash up in his eyes. Moments like this were usually lost on him – or at least he didn't usually let me see how he really felt. The man was a mystery to me now more than ever. And then I wondered: why did he feel intruded upon? What was going on in that beautiful mind of his?

“I'll not be long,” Yoru said good-naturedly. His eyes, however, betrayed a hint of his heartache. I looked away, taking a bite off my sandwich, trying to focus on the texture of the bread and the cheese. Their taste.

“There's a meeting I have to attend in the town hall, and since I don't know how long I'll be, I thought I'd just give you these,” Yoru said, handing two packages to the Doctor. One was slightly smaller than the other, and seemed to contain something soft, something made of fabric, while the other package was a box. Both packages were wrapped in pale grey paper and tied up with black string.

The Doctor's face lit up as he accepted the packages and put them carefully next to him on the seat. Obviously, he had been waiting for their delivery. “Brilliant, thank you, Yoru.” He just grinned at me when I looked at him inquisitively.

Yoru returned the smile, a tad sadly, but the Doctor seemed not to notice. “My pleasure. Enjoy the weekend.” And with that, he was off.

“What are these?” I asked in between two mouthfuls.

“Oh, just something for the weekend,” the Doctor said, returning his attention to his lunch.

I leaned back, knowing that I wouldn't be able to get an answer from him. I decided not to press him, I wasn't really in the mood to banter with him. The talk with Setiu had taken some of the joy out of my work, and there was nothing I'd rather do than leave for Sho as soon as possible.

“Rose, what's wrong?” the Doctor said after a lengthy stretch of silence. He wasn't used to me not teasing him about the mysterious packages.

“I'm sorry, it's just... the thing with Setiu,” I said, dropping half of my sandwich onto the greaseproof paper it had come in.

“Rose,” he said, bending forward to touch me knee. His hand was cool, even through the linen of my wide-cut trousers. “You are brilliant, no matter what she says. And it wasn't your fault, yeah?”

I smiled, touched. “Yeah.”

-:-

By the next morning, when the Doctor woke me with a steaming mug of wonderful, creamy maklak, I had forgotten about Setiu. He had spent the night in my bed holding me, kissing me tenderly from time to time – never on the lips, though. The intimacy we were creating was much more powerful, I found, than if we'd taken our relationship from where we'd started it, making love after his night terror. I was no longer disappointed that he had slowed things down. In fact, I loved the pace we'd settled into.

What I had given him that night I had done out of trust, and trust it was that we were building us on. He squatted down next to the bed holding the mug so that the smell would wake me, and when I looked in his eyes I could see that he knew. I also knew that it was far too soon to put voice to it. Simply knowing that we both were aware of what was going on was enough.

I pushed myself up on my elbow, then sat to accept the mug from him.

Maklak is perfect. It's not coffee, and it's not tea. It's a bit like genuine xocolatl, hot chocolate, the Doctor told me. I like its slightly bitter taste and creamy texture. Like some of the Ruulim food and drink, it's completely different from anything I've ever tasted – and I had tried out many things during my journeys with the Doctor. Now that we were stuck on the slow path on Ruul, the most important thing I learned that my language comprised my world. I was learning a new language and discovering a new world. I have Ruulim words to describe the taste of maklak, but there are no English words that come even close what it tastes like.

I think there must be words, in some language, to describe what the Doctor and I had. I never dared ask him if there was in his language, Gallifreyan. I'd not dared ask him what he had whispered to me that night. There would be a time for it. And maybe, there would be English words adequate enough so their real meaning could sink in with me.

“B'aruu,” I purred, my voice thick with sleep.

“My pleasure,” he replied, kneeling on the pale red tiles. His next words were trapped somewhere between a question and a statement. “You sleep well?”

“Very, thanks,” I said, gently blowing over my maklak. Once again I thought it was insane to be having such a hot drink in this kind of weather, but it didn't taste good at all when cold. It was the best thing to wake me up. It was more powerful, by far, than caffeine. I wondered idly if we could take some when we left Ruul.

“I want to take you out tonight,” the Doctor blurted, rubbing the back of his neck when he realised that his tongue had once again outwitted his better judgement.

“Oh?” I said, almost burning my lips.

“It's what the packages were about,” he continued.

I nodded. Looking down on him from where I was sitting was very strange. I put the mug on my bedside table – I had a proper one – and scooted down to lie and rest my head on my arm so our faces were level.

“Aren't you just the tiniest bit curious?” the Doctor asked, his eyes wide.

“No,” I said, surprising myself. “No, I'm not. Which doesn't mean I'm not looking forward to it. I love a good surprise. And it's been a while since... Christmas.” I had dropped my voice at that. It was true, and with Christmas not far away, I felt very sad that I probably wouldn't be spending the holiday with Mum. I brushed the thought away. I didn't want to think about it. I couldn't imagine not spending it with her, and my heart constricted painfully at the thought of not even celebrating it at all.

The Doctor seemed to know what I was hinting at. “Okay,” he said brightly, “then a surprise it'll be. I haven't had – or prepared – a good surprise for anyone in ages. I love surprises. All the planning and anticipation and sneaky looks and subtle hints. It's brilliant!”

“Yeah,” I said, smiling at his boyish enthusiasm. It was good to see it, I'd missed it. In that moment, his joy at doing something special for me was filling me with more pleasure than knowing that I was at the receiving end of it all. It was a glimmer of hope, of getting my Doctor back after the long weeks of his grief, of his being frozen by the TARDIS' illness.

I reached out to touch his stubbly cheek, and it was all I could do to bite my lip not to let the three words slip.

It was too soon for that.

-:-

The big, solid package contained a square dish made of Ruulim glass, which was nearly unbreakable and wouldn't burst even when subjected to high temperatures, like those from a fire. It was a brazier, the Doctor told me. The fire was fuelled by some sort of sponge. The colour of the sponge determined the colour of the fire.

“Why yellow?” I asked, weighing the porous, dry sponge in my hands.

“Because I like yellow fire,” he said, shrugging.

“It's... like ordinary Earth fire,” I said, putting the sponge back into the glass brazier.

“I like it that way,” the Doctor said. “I can look at it without thinking of... of home.”

“Oh,” I gasped, mortified. “I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking.” Of course, fire would remind him of home. I didn't know much about the demise of Gallifrey, but I knew it burned. All of it. His home. His friends. His family.

The Doctor literally shook the memories off. “It's okay. It also reminds me of your eyes.”

I averted my eyes. “Yeah, right,” I laughed nervously.

I heard him rustle with the pale grey wrapping paper of the other, soft package. I closed my eyes to humour him as much as to hide my embarrassment. He draped something cool around my bare shoulders, something incredibly light and soft.

When he whispered to me, his breath was brushing over the bit of exposed skin on my neck. “Open your eyes.”

He had draped a shawl over my shoulders, a coral-coloured, thin shawl that shimmered even in the shadows of the loggia. The most incredible thing was that it did not warm me, but kept my shoulders comfortably cool, like a constant breeze ghosting over my skin. I shivered.

“It's beautiful,” I breathed, letting the fabric slip through my fingers. It was like water, only more solid.

“You'll need it tonight,” the Doctor said.

“I could need it all the time,” I said. “It's very comfortable. It's so cool.”

“You can't keep it, I'm afraid. The Ruulim burn them at the end of the night,” he explained.

“What's this we're going to, Doctor?” I asked, my curiosity finally getting the better of me.

“It's a festival to placate the local gods and welcome the new season,” the Doctor explained. “It's called Trust. It takes places down in the citadel gardens. There's music, dancing, and food. And after sundown, the fires are lit in the braziers, and offer the women's cool shawls as a gift, to welcome the cooler season.”

“That sounds wonderful.”

“It's also about... people. Whatever relationship they share. You burn the cold so whatever you have never dies.”

“What do we have, Doctor?” I asked.

He pulled the shawl off my shoulders. “Something brilliant, Rose.”

-:-

I twisted my hair into a knot just above the nape of my neck. The sun, even in the early evening, was quite strong and I needed to wear a hat which wouldn't fit with my hair in any other style. I was grateful for the cool shawl the Doctor had given me as I draped it over my shoulders.

It was a special evening. Not only did the festival offer us the chance to learn more about Ruul, but also because we rarely went out. The festival seemed very important to the Doctor, and I knew him well enough to know that there was more to it than he let on. There was something he was still keeping from me. My heart was beating faster at the thought, but at the same time I tried not to get too excited. Just in case I'd misread him.

I had chosen to wear my new dress. The Doctor didn't know I'd bought it a couple of days ago, and I was glad I had something to surprise him with. The dress was cream-coloured, with spaghetti straps and a long skirt. Burgundy ribbons tied beneath my breasts fitted the bodice to my midriff, showing off my cleavage to great effect. The coral of the shawl was a nice touch of colour to my outfit, and I couldn't wait for the Doctor to see me.

I found him in the tower, where he had taken the chance to look after the TARDIS before we left. The door of the TARDIS was open, but I saw only a bit of the grating. The rest of her interior was dark. Taking a deep breath, I stepped into the console room. Even after my eyes adjusted to the darkness within, I couldn't make out much. The first thing I noticed was the smell. I'd never really paid attention to the smell in the TARDIS before; it was cool, and it always reminded me of the insides of churches, the scent of molten wax cooling off lingering in the air. Now it was more like the acrid smell of freshly extinguished wicks that filled my nostrils.

“Rose,” the Doctor said, stepping out of the darkness from behind the console with a small portable gas lantern in hand. The flame inside the glass cylinder was very small, casting very little light. That was why I hadn't seen him. He was wearing his linen trousers again, and a matching waistcoat.

“I...” I began. He had told me it was okay for me to enter. Why, then, did I feel it necessary to explain myself, to apologise, even? It was probably because he'd meant for me to come alone, without him. I felt as if I were invading his privacy, the intimacy he shared with his beloved ship. He gestured for me to precede him out of the TARDIS, and I was glad to be back in the warmth of Sho. I watched him pull the TARDIS door to and set the, now extinguished, lantern down on the floor next to it. He plucked his hat off the doorknob where he'd left it, then turned towards me.

I smiled when I saw him stop as he looked at me. “Like what you see?” I asked, twirling for him.

“You're... beautiful, Rose,” he managed eventually.

“I wanted to surprise you,” I said, holding out my hand for him.

“You certainly did,” he said, giving my hand a gentle squeeze. “Shall we?”

-:-

We took the tram to Liannufar, the citadel, which was at the far end of the road Sho was on. Once a stout, squat building, it looked nothing like a citadel anymore. After the most violent period of Lufana had ended, the emperors had changed the citadel almost beyond recognition. Of the original fortress only the foundations were still visible. Above them rose the elegant tower houses and palace buildings with the impressive domes I'd seen from the hills. The former outer bailey and moats had been turned into a lovely public garden with lots of fruit trees. There was even an amphitheatre that was still in use.

The boughs of the trees were heavy with fruit and lanterns and wind-chimes. Huge braziers and chandeliers lined the footpaths. The Ruulim cicadas were particularly loud in the garden, and birds squealed overhead.

“'s gorgeous,” I whispered.

The Doctor grinned and made that sound of glee in the back of the throat he only ever uses when he's truly excited by something. He tugged at my hand. “Let's find a nice spot,” he said.

There were already quite a few people in the Liannufar Gardens, but we were lucky and quickly found a nice spot in the shade of a willow-like tree. People had been staring at us. We stuck out for our size and comparatively pale complexions. I was glad my hair was mostly hidden beneath the hat. I had never seen any blondes in Lufana, and even Yoru had had a hard time suppressing his awe at my hair colour.

The Doctor had brought a blanket, as well as silverware, cups, and crockery because the food stalls did not provide any. He placed the glass brazier on the edge of the blanket, carefully placing the yellow sponge in it.

“I've never been to a picnic like this. It's... gorgeous,” I said, taking off my hat. Lanterns hung in the tree, but because it bore no fruit, ribbons had been tied to the drooping boughs.

“I'm glad you like it. I came here ages ago, but I hadn't remembered how beautiful it was,” the Doctor said.

“You know, this is probably the first time you've said something nice about this place,” I said. I bit my lip. “I'm sorry,” I whispered.

The dimple showed in the Doctor's face for a fleeting moment as he squared his jaw. But then he sighed. “Don't. You're right. We'll be here for a while, so I need to learn to enjoy it,” he said, rolling the empty cup in his hand.

“You've lost your home,” I said.

He looked at me. His eyes were filled with sadness once more. “So've you. Because of me.”

“Hey,” I said, kneeling as I made him look me in the eye. “I wanted to be with you. I promised you... forever.” The last word came out so quiet it was almost inaudible.

He swallowed. “You know the meaning of forever?”

I nodded.

He pulled me towards him and his lips crashed against mine for a kiss. It was almost bruising for a moment, expressing all his desperation and grief. I managed to turn the kiss into something more gentle as he probed my lips with his tongue. He pulled me down into his lap, bending over me just as he'd done that night after the nightmare.

“I...” he said when I pulled back a little to let him know I needed to breathe.

I cupped his cheek. “It's okay, Doctor. Really. I'm okay.”

He helped me up, then jumped to his feet. After all this time with him, I was still amazed at how fast his mood changed. I hadn't seen it in a while, so this time it took me even more by surprise.

“I'm starving, aren't you? Let's get something to eat,” he said brightly, his lips glistening and very red from the kiss.

I nodded, unable to say anything.

We returned a while later to our picnic spot with our plates full of Ruulim deli and our cups filled with wine. The amphitheatre was at a perfect distance so we could listen to the music without having to shout at each other when we wanted to say something.

He was just telling me a story when I noticed we weren't alone anymore. I looked up and saw a girl of about eight years standing at the edge of our blanket.

“What happened to your hair?” she asked.

“Don't you like it?” I asked.

“It's so... yellow,” she said. “And you talk funnily.”

“I wasn't born here,” I said. “I didn't learn your language as a child. I learned a different one first, and you can hear that.”

“Oh,” the girl said, her ears turning pink. “What's your name?”

“Rose,” I said, pronouncing my name in English.

The girl tried to repeat it, and she got the o almost right.

“Bravo!” I said.

“What does that mean?”

“It means well done,” the Doctor said, chuckling.

“You're strange too,” the girl said, looking at the Doctor for the first time. I stifled a laugh.

“M'arru,” he said, grinning.

The girl's mother came then, apologising for her child. She pulled her away after she'd looked at us a bit longer than necessary.

The Doctor and I looked at each other, grinning.

We went for seconds, and the Doctor went for thirds after that. By the time we had finished dinner, darkness was falling, and when the gardeners went around to light the chandeliers and braziers, we lit the lanterns in our tree. They weren't gas, but candles, and the light they cast was gentle and colourful as it filtered through the glass cylinders.

The Doctor leaned back against the smooth trunk and I sat down beside him, settling against his shoulder.

“When's the ceremony start?” I asked, a bit drowsy from the wine. We hadn't watered it down, and I was reminded of how strong it was.

“Any minute now,” he said, caressing my shoulder through the cool fabric.

Just then, a herald passed us on the path, calling for attention with his drum before crying to get the braziers ready.

We stood and moved from under the canopy of the tree to the open sky. Everyone else was doing this too, bringing their braziers with them. We set ours on the ground and waited for the gardeners to light the sponge in it with fire they had brought from the Temple of Ruulmira, the main deity.

When all the fires were lit, the garden was ablaze in multi-coloured light, and people clapped and cheered. “It's almost as nice as fireworks,” I breathed, slipping my hand into the Doctor's and leaning against him. I closed my eyes as he kissed the top of my head. A shiver ran down my spine.

Then the whole garden went absolutely silent. All that could be heard was the soft crackling of fire and the nocturnal sounds of a garden. It was almost as if the people tried to make themselves disappear as they celebrated the change of the seasons.

A drum roll put an end to the reverent silence, and the musicians in the amphitheatre began to play again. The Doctor whispered to me that this was the second part of the ceremony, in which the relationships between people were celebrated. When I looked up at him I could see our yellow fire dancing in his dark eyes. They had taken on the colour of sadness again, but this time there was something else there too.

When I realised what it was, I forgot to breathe for a moment, and I felt even more light-headed than from the wine. Underneath the sadness I could see love in its purest form. I stretched and pulled him down by the shoulder to kiss him.

When our lips met this time, the touch was very gentle, as if this were our first kiss. His lips were cool on mine and very soft, and when I opened my mouth against them he did too and our tongues found each other. He drew me closer to him as we deepened the kiss.

All around us, the people of Ruul began to sing to the joyous and beautiful music, but this was something I only realised later, when I had to come up for air. For the moment, for as long as the kiss lasted, the world around us ceased to exist. All we needed was each other.

The Doctor was brushing his thumb over my cheekbone when we separated, and I saw in the flickering light that the sadness in his eyes was almost gone. He opened his mouth to say something, but I tensed a bit, and he closed it again. It was too soon, although the moment was beautiful and perfect.

“It's time to burn the shawl,” he said, stepping away from me. The people were still singing, and as I looked around us, they were holding the shawls over the braziers.

I pulled the shawl from my shoulders. The warm night breeze whispered over my skin, and I shivered. The Doctor covered my hand holding the shawl. He kissed me briefly, and when he whispered, “Now” against my lips, we let the shawl drop into the fire with a rustling sound. I didn't see it burn. I kissed the Doctor.

-:-

He lay me down on his bed.

We had left the festival soon after the ritual Burning of the Shawl, making the journey home on the tram in companionable silence. I don't much remember of the ride. I could still feel the Doctor pressed against me, kissing me and whispering to me in Gallifreyan. Some of the words I recognised from the night we had made love, some of them were new and beautiful, others, though I didn't know their meaning, arousing.

Having kicked off his shoes, he stretched out by my side and pulled me against him. “Tam shia ngarthu, Rose,” he said softly.

“Tam shia ngarthu,” I replied, hoping I wasn't making a fool of myself by doing so. I bit my lip when the Doctor blushed in the dim gas light.

“I'm sorry,” I offered. “What did I just say?” I didn't dare move, so I lay still in his arms.

“You're beautiful,” he said, pulling the pins out of the knot in my hair.

“But you are,” I said. His bashfulness was very touching, and a little bit adorable, because he usually was so cocky.

He wasn't listening. He was running his fingers through my hair, and I closed my eyes as shivers ran up and down my spine.

“Will you teach me?” I asked.

“Teach you what?” He began to shower my face with tiny kisses, lingering on my lips and my closed eyes.

“Your language,” I said.

“Why?”

I opened my eyes again. He looked genuinely puzzled by my request. “Because I want to be able to understand you when we make love.”

He swallowed. “Well, I... you... when we make love?” he squeaked.

I chuckled. Here I was in bed with an all-mighty Time Lord, and–

I never got the chance to finish the thought as he leaned in to kiss me, careful not to be too demanding, but I could sense that he was restraining himself.

“I didn't make you come the other night,” he said.

“Well, no, but you didn't need to. The other night was about you, not me. But you did that wonderful thing with your fingers on my temple. Only it was... over so fast, and I felt... I felt a bit cut off,” I said.

“So I get a second chance?” he asked, still in disbelief.

“It's what you have taught me, Doctor. Everyone deserves one.”

Again, his kiss was almost bruising, and I was wondering if now was a good moment to make love. We were both very emotional, and a little bit drunk, and I wanted to be able to enjoy our lovemaking. I didn't want this to be needy and urgent. It had been the first time, and that had been an overwhelming experience.

I sat up as he let go of me. I couldn't even enjoy the snogging with all those thoughts distracting me.

“Are you all right, Rose?” the Doctor asked in concern, sitting up too.

“I... maybe...” I was fumbling for words. How could I tell him without hurting him, without betraying what I'd just told him?

“I want this to be about you. To thank you,” he said, reaching out for me but ultimately dropping his hand to cover mine on the sheets.

“Doctor, that's very sweet,” I began, brushing the backs of my fingers down his cheek. “But I want this to be about us.”

I held his gaze steadily, willing him to understand.

“Trust me, Rose,” he said, running his hand up my arm.

Pushing away all the contradictory, thoughts I nodded.

The Doctor began to unbutton his waistcoat. Once he had taken that off, he began to slip the buttons on his shirt free, and before I knew it, he was kneeling on the bed in front of me, naked.

“Tam shia ngarthu,” I repeated.

“How does this work?” he asked, smiling, trailing his fingers over the burgundy ribbons criss-crossing my midriff. I tugged at the bow fastened beneath my right breast. The shop girl had told me to tie it there to let everyone know I was in a relationship. He took the ends of the ribbons and slowly untangled them as I raised my arms above my head to give him better access. Once they had gone, he simply took the dress by its hem and pulled it up and over my head.

I hadn't worn a bra because of the dress' cut, and since I had risen to my knees to help him with the dress, I pushed my knickers down and took them off as I sat down again.

He made my lie down once again, and as he kissed me his hands began to explore my body. I could feel him harden against my thigh. His kiss was loving and slow, perfect to get lost in.

I enjoyed his hands and fingers on my skin, and I shuddered when he found my special spots.

I moaned into his mouth when he cupped my breast and rolled my nipple between his fingers.

I gasped when his lips took the place of his fingers.

I cried out when he used his fingers to tease my clit.

He smiled in triumph against my tummy at that, but stopped to map the rest of my body, leaving me breathless and aching for more. But I let him. He wanted this to be about me just as much as about us.

After his fingers came his lips and tongue, and when he probed my folds the next time, he did not stop. I tried to cry out, but the only sounds I could make were pathetic gurgles. I dug my fingers into the sheets and arched myself into him, and before I knew it, he had taken me over the edge. I came hard against his mouth.

“Oh my,” I panted as I drew him into my arms.

“Ildiem tu faronn,” the Doctor said, kissing me. “I need you so much.”

“You do?” I asked. This was as close to a declaration of love as we'd get that night. “Ildiem ti faronn.”

“No need to be formal,” he said, smiling against my lips. I wasn't prepared to taste myself on his lips and it took a moment for what he'd said to penetrate my confusion. “What?”

“Tu. Ildiem tu faronn,” he said.

“Yes,” I said. “Ildiem tu faronn.” I opened my legs a bit wider to accommodate him better, and I moaned as I felt the tip of his cock brush my folds. I looked down to where our bodies would soon be joined. I reached down to wrap my hand around him, and I was rewarded with a moan. “That good?”

“Oh yes,” the Doctor moaned as I began to stroke him. “Rose, please, I... I need you. Don't... don't...”

I nodded, letting go of him, moving my hand to hold on to his shoulder instead. “Doctor?”

“Yes, I... semrath ngudia tu ki faro?”

“Doctor? No more language lessons,” I said, breathing heavily. “I need you. Now.”

He nodded, apparently embarrassed about something. With a single swift movement of his hips, he slid into me. I moaned as I felt him move inside of me, and locking my ankles in the small of his back, I drew him deeper inside me. He pulled me close to him, his fingers fanning out over my shoulder-blades. He set a much less urgent rhythm than the first time, allowing me more time to adjust to and to move with him. He whispered the sensual sounds of Gallifreyan in my ear as he held me close to him. We kissed occasionally and I stroked his back with my hands, threading them into his hair, cupping his cheek.

I watched him, watched his pleasure wash over his face, and I began to encourage him.

“Wait,” he said, stopping. “This isn't good enough.” He let go of me, settling on one elbow so he could reach between us with one hand. I yelped as his fingers found my clit and he chuckled when I arched into him. The change in angle not only freed his hand to stroke me, it caused him to brush against the spot hidden deep inside me. With a few powerful thrusts he drove me over the edge, and at the back of my mind I could hear him cry out as he followed me only heartbeats later. I felt him pulse and empty into me, and I clenched around him to make this as long and pleasurable for him as possible.

“Stay,” I said, wiping the sweat off his forehead and drawing him towards me for a kiss just as our breaths had began to even out. I didn't want to let go of him. His weight felt good on me, and I didn't want to let go of the feeling of being complete.

For lack of anything better to say, I told him he was beautiful. His lips were properly snogged and the darkness in his eyes had made room for contentment.

“Has anyone ever told you have a lovely accent?”

“Not lately, no,” I said, blushing.

“So lovely I have to kiss you.”


	9. Nine: Pain

Nine  
Pain

The weather didn't change after the festival. We kept a close eye on the meteorological instruments of the Observatory, but the temperatures climbed as high as ever, and the air pressure remained stable. The only thing that ever changed was the wind, but even that wasn't more than a gentle breeze that softly rustled the leaves and barely stirred the heavy curtains in the loggia. The only good thing about the heat was the absence of midges. They, Yoru had assured us, would practically eat you alive in the wet season.

Work was crazy in that week before the Open Day. The Doctor and Yoru put in long hours, and sometimes I stayed with them, or brought them supper. Yoru's assistant Fenia would return to Lufana after the Open Day. She was on an exchange programme with an observatory practically on the other side of the world. Yoru anticipated her return not only for practical reasons, but also because she would bring back the results of the research into the Heat Wave from there.

The Doctor had sent me home early that Thursday, and when I looked into the mirror, I knew why. I looked as shattered as I felt. I yawned a lot, and there were moments when I'd stop in my tracks and not be able to remember what I'd just done. Hopefully, I hadn't made a major mistake at the Observatory.

I went to the kitchen for a quick bite to eat and to water the sand in our pot-in-pot fridges. On my way back to my room, I passed the TARDIS, and although I was so tired I could hardly stay on my feet, I needed to go and sit with her for a while. But instead of going to my usual spot beneath the window – we'd put two huge cushions there so our bums didn't go to sleep from sitting on the hard floor – I pulled the TARDIS key from where it stuck to my skin between my breasts. There was no need to lock the door. We kept it locked more out of habit than anything else.

After I'd picked up the lantern and lit it, I pushed open the door and stepped inside. The air still had that acrid smell, and in the dim light of the lantern I could see that the walls were still a mottled black. But I also noticed that it was a bit warmer than on Saturday.

“Hello,” I said softly. The grating rattled beneath my feet as I stepped up to the console. Not a single light was glowing on the console, and the tubes of the Time Rotor stood still dark. I rested my hand on the edge of the console.

A gentle thrum reverberated through my mind and body, and I withdrew my hand.

“Sorry. We haven't forgotten about you,” I whispered. “We're just so... busy, and I'm tired. I've never felt so tired in my life.”

Another, barely noticeable, thrum brushed my mind.

I settled on the jump seat, putting the lamp down next to me. It was only then that I noticed that black crumbles were sticking to my sweaty palm and fingers.

The TARDIS brushed my mind again, but this time, it wasn't gentle. It was a cry for help, piercing and powerful. The agony was too much to bear. It was a throbbing pain, sometimes sharp and short, sometimes dull, but it was always accompanied by pulsating lights the colour of the TARDIS's coral. I heard my own scream echo through the domed console room.

“Stop it!” I screamed, even after the link was gone. I could still feel it flow through me with every beat of my heart. It drove tears to my eyes, and I screamed and cried and sobbed to get rid of it. My whole body was on fire. There wasn't one part of me that didn't hurt. “Stop it, please. Stop it. Make it go away.”

Suddenly, it did.

-:-

I couldn't open my left eye, and the throbbing pain had moved to one single spot just above it, and to my knee. The grating cut into my skin, and when I touched my cheek, I could feel the impression it had left on my skin. As my fingers travelled higher, I found why I couldn't open my eye. It was covered with dried blood.

I must have lost consciousness and fallen off the seat, cutting open my head on the way down and perhaps suffering a mild concussion. A dull ache made me feel dizzy, and the acrid smell was suddenly unbearable. A powerful wave of nausea overcame me. I needed to get out. Scrambling to my feet, I pushed myself up off the grating and cut myself on a shard from the shattered lamp. I didn't much care. All I wanted was out, and I made my way towards the open door as quickly as possible. Part of me hoped the Doctor was back already, while the other part hoped he wasn't. He'd been very reluctant to let me go inside the TARDIS by myself, and if he saw what had happened, he'd never forgive himself for consenting.

Somehow I made it to the bathroom before the nausea became too powerful and I threw up into the toilet. I sat, panting, on the cool floor for a while. The headache was getting stronger. I needed to lie down properly, but I had to clean up first. I didn't want the Doctor to see me like this.

Somehow I managed to pull myself to my feet and make my way to the font across from the bathtub. It was huge and made of the same stone as the tub. The cool water felt good on my hot skin, and after I had cleaned off the blood, I took a quick shower.

Not only had I had cut my forehead as I'd fallen, but also my knee. Both cuts, however, weren't deep, and a simple plaster should do the trick. I still had some in my wash-bag, glad that Mum had insisted I take them. Oh Mum. If only I could curl up in her arms right then, and have a cup of her tea.

But my bed had to do, and as I lay down, wrapping a flannel around my injured hand, I noticed that the Doctor wasn't home yet. I sighed in relief, and fell asleep soon after.

When I woke, the headache and dizziness were still there, and I was still tired. I rolled over to lie on my side, but as soon as I did, another wave of nausea hit me. I threw up onto the floor.

“Rose!” The Doctor took me by the shoulders, held my hair out of the way and made me lie back after it had passed. I felt much better, but still it was too much of an effort to open my eyes.

“Doctor?” I managed to ask, but there was no reply. Had I imagined his presence? I must have. I sighed, hoping that all of this would have passed by the next morning. He really mustn't know.

“Don't go to sleep,” he said, moving beside the bed. “Tell me, Rose, what's happened?”

“Nothing,” I mumbled. My tongue wouldn't quite obey me. Why did I answer my imagination anyway? I groaned. My head felt terrible.

“No, keep talking to me. Look at me, Rose.” The mattress dipped under his weight as he sat down next to me. He cupped my cheek, and I chanced a glance. Maybe this wasn't my imagination playing tricks on me after all. The light from the lamp was painfully bright, and I moaned, but in the split second I had opened my eyes I had seen him sitting beside me. I reached out blindly, and he took my hand.

“My head... 's hurtin',” I said.

“You hit it,” he said, touching the plaster on my forehead lightly with his fingers. He made me look at him, and shone the light of his sonic in my eyes. I winced, but obviously, he was satisfied with what he'd seen. “Come on, I've got some pain killers and a glass of water.”

“'m sorry,” I groaned as he helped me up so I could take the pill and wash it down.

“Don't worry. I'm here.”

“The mess...” I said, remembering my little accident. The water was delicious, but he only let me have it in small sips.

“Taken care of, don't worry,Rose,” he said, supporting my head as I lay down. “I'm right here.”

“'s nice,” I said, my tongue very disobedient. I fell asleep as he caressed me.

-:-

The Doctor allowed me to get up to join him for supper the following night.

“A day has passed?” I asked in disbelief.

He nodded, his expression trapped somewhere between concern and amusement. He set a bowl of vegetable stew before me. It smelled delicious, and suddenly I realised how ravenous I was. “You slept most of the day,” he said, breaking a chunk off the loaf of bread.

“Oh... and... I'm sorry. I know I was supposed to help Yoru with the rest of the talk.” I tried some of the stew and it was just as good as it smelled. A rich mix of sweet and sour exploded on my tongue that made the tangy vegetables a bit more palatable for my human tongue.

He shook his head. His expression was definitely worried now, and there was also a trace of anger. “I shouldn't have let you go home by yourself yesterday.”

I blushed. “It wasn't an accident,” I said, taking some bread.

“I know,” the Doctor replied. He hadn't touched his food yet. “You went inside the TARDIS.”

Of course. He had found the door open and the lamp broken. How stupid of me to think I could keep this from the Doctor. “She's in so much pain, Doctor,” I said, putting my spoon down. “I could feel it. She... showed me. There was nothing but pain and coral. I was floating in it.” Compared to that, my headache, which had begun to ease, was nothing.

The Doctor didn't say a word. He had set his jaw, the dimple appearing in his cheek. He had been stirring his stew, but then he let the spoon clatter against the edge of the bowl.

“I only felt it for a moment, Doctor,” I said, reaching out for him.

The muscles in his jaw worked with barely contained rage.

“And when I fell, I–“

He jerked his hand away from beneath mine. “I should never have given in to you. The TARDIS is dangerous,” he said, his voice thick with loathing. He stood, the bench's legs screeching over the floor. I winced. “Don't go near her again.”

My heart sank. “But Doct–“

“You could be dead, Rose!” he hissed. “Stay away from her.” He stormed out of the kitchen. The way he'd said it, one might have thought he wanted me to stay away from him as well. Tears welled up in my eyes, and I began to shake with rage and with fear. Why was he pushing me away again?

My appetite was gone. Crying and sniffling, I returned the contents of our bowls to the pot on the range, and put the bowls and spoons into the sink. I took a bottle of water, and the pain killer he'd left me, and hurried to my room. Suddenly, my head was throbbing again.

For the first time I closed the door to my room, and slumped onto the rumpled bed, exhausted. I washed the pain killer down with a swig of water, and when I reached for the blister pack in the little chest on my bedside table, I realised I hadn't taken the pill the previous night. But it didn’t matter anyway. It was the very last one I had.

I curled up on my bed, tired from my little outing and the tears. The headache was back, and all I wanted was to sleep so I could wake up to find that it was all a bad dream.

-:-

I woke after another dreamless night, but I felt refreshed. The headache was almost gone, and I felt like myself again. There was no dizziness as I sat up. I smiled. I turned to look at the Doctor, but his side of the bed was empty.

Then I remembered.

“Oh no,” I groaned.

I took a deep breath before I swung my legs over the edge of the bed and stood. I had done nothing wrong, and neither had he. If he really hadn't wanted me to enter the TARDIS, he would have told me so. And I would have stayed away. Probably.

I checked my watch, and found it was still early. Much too early to be up on a Saturday morning. But then again, I'd fallen asleep very early the previous night, and my back was hurting. I was sick of resting, and I was starving. After my usual morning routine and a shower, I went to the kitchen for some breakfast.

Yoru was there, nursing a mug of maklak as he discussed something with the Doctor. When I saw the Doctor was dressed for a slightly-more-important-than-usual day at the Observatory, I remembered that it was Open Day. I stopped just inside the kitchen with a little gasp. Yoru looked up.

“Rose!” he said, rising and smiling at me.

The Doctor turned around, and his smile, when it finally appeared, didn't reach his eyes. My own smile felt shaky, and I looked at Yoru instead.

“Tok nuu sa?” he asked.

“I guess so,” I replied. “Hungry. And thirsty.”

“We only sat down, the maklak must still be hot enough,” he said, moving to fix me a cup.

“Oh no, you're our guest. Please, sit down,” I said.

Instead of joining the men at the table with my mug, I leaned against the counter and sipped the hot drink. I watched the Doctor closely over the rim of my mug. He looked relieved, if still a little concerned. His thunderous mood seemed to have lifted after Yoru had asked me if I was all right. I had taken off the plaster, and since it had scabbed up nicely, I decided it didn’t need to be covered.

“I'm so sorry about your accident,” Yoru said.

“B'aruu,” I purred. “It wasn't that bad. I got off with no more than a fright.”

“Oh Rose,” the Doctor muttered.

“I did!” I insisted.

The dimple showed in the Doctor's cheek, and I clamped my mouth shut. I didn't want to fight with the Doctor, especially not in front of Yoru. The poor man looked uncomfortable enough as it was. “I'm really sorry I wasn't able to help with the rest of the preparations. I bet Setiu is furious.”

“That's putting it mildly,” Yoru smiled, but clearly still confused about the tension in the room.

“When does it start?” I asked, finishing my maklak.

“Soon. We should get going,” Yoru said.

“I'll just put on something different. I won't be a minute,” I said, realising that I couldn't go in the loose sun-dress I'd slipped on after the shower.

“You're not coming, Rose,” the Doctor said, standing, picking up the mugs and taking mine from me. The dishes, I noticed, were gone from the sink.

Yoru and I exchanged a puzzled glance. “Why?” I asked.

“You still need to rest,” he said, his tone a bit gentler now. “You have a concussion, and I don't want it to get worse.”

“But I feel good. Besides,” I added, “what if something happened while I'm here, by myself?” It only registered with me then that the Doctor must have spent the entire previous day at Sho instead of at the Observatory. My hand flew to my mouth. Setiu must be beyond furious.

The Doctor sighed, then nodded.

I hurried to my room to change, uncertain, all of a sudden, if it was really such a good idea to go after all.


	10. Ten: Betrayal

Ten  
Betrayal

The Open Day was a success, but I was glad when it was over and we settled down in the Observatory's small cloister, where a picnic had been prepared for the staff. Although I had withdrawn to the Doctor's office for a nap or two in the course of the day, I still felt exhausted. The Doctor had been very busy, and the few times we’d seen each other, he'd expressed his concern and made sure I drank and rested enough. Yoru, too, had looked after me, and even Setiu had managed to say a few kind words. The Doctor had told everyone at the Observatory about my accident – the 'she was run over by a bicycle'-version – and although the place was crawling with people, they all made sure I didn’t overexert myself.

The evening shadows began to fall on the cloister. The Doctor helped me sit on the blanket that had been brought out along with low coffee tables. The fountain at the centre of the small cloister had been turned off long ago to conserve water, and was decorated with candles instead. Lanterns had been placed on the low walls separating the lawn from the colonnade. I smiled wistfully, remembering the festival. How different everything had been at Liannufar Gardens, just a week earlier, the most romantic night of my life. And now I had ruined it all by wanting to help.

“Are you all right, Rose?” the Doctor asked me in English. He wouldn't let go of my hand, even as I sat.

“Yeah,” I said, unable to meet his eyes. He settled down beside me, putting his arm around me. When I stiffened a little, he withdrew as if he'd been burned.

“You look tired,” he said.

“That's because I am,” I replied, sighing.

“Would you like to go home?”

I stared at him. It was the first time he had referred to Sho as 'home'. “No, I don't want to ruin this for you,” I said softly.

“Rose,” he began, “I’d rather you were comfortable than be here and have to worry about you.”

I was just opening my mouth to tell him that I was comfortable, just tired, when Yoru appeared with three cups and a jug of wine. As always, he looked a bit amazed as he listened to us talking in English. I smiled up at him. “Hi Yoru.” The Doctor, when I glanced briefly at him, didn’t look very pleased about the interruption.

“Is this a bad moment?” he asked, looking from the Doctor to me.

“No, no, not at all,” the Doctor said. “Please, come and sit with us.” Although we were friends with Yoru, Ruulim etiquette demanded we ask him to join us. Yoru sat, smiling, and pulled three bottles of water from the bag he’d slung over his shoulder.

“Thank you, I’m parched,” I said, drinking deeply from the water bottle I’d gratefully accepted from him. I saw both men’s eyes on me, both were radiating concern. “Stop it,” I said after I’d put down my bottle. “I am all right. Just tired. And hungry.”

The Doctor was the first to shake his worry off. “Well, we can fix that. What can I get you?” The Observatory had organised for a traditional Ruulim feast, which consisted of meat and vegetables cooked in a clay pot in a hole in the earth. I wanted to try that.

“Is it going to scar?” Yoru asked when the Doctor was gone, touching the scab on my forehead.

“I... I don’t know. It wasn’t a very deep cut,” I replied, taking his hand.

His ears flushed. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t. It wasn’t anyone’s fault.”

“No, I mean about you and the Doctor,” he said.

“What about me and him?” I asked, unsure of what he was alluding to.

“Have you told him yet?” Yoru asked.

While I was trying to figure out what he meant, the Doctor returned with a tray laden with three dishes of food.

“Told me what?” he asked, putting the tray down and settling down next to me. He looked curious, but amused.

I didn’t dare look at the Doctor, so I held Yoru’s gaze instead, willing him to understand that I had no idea what he was on about.

Thankfully, Yoru realised that he needed to tread carefully. Why was he sorry for me and the Doctor?

“Well, Setiu is going to send us away for a while. The solar eclipse is best observed on the coast, and she wants me and the Doctor to go. I convinced her that Fenia and you should go as well.”

“But we can’t,” the Doctor said. “We can’t go. Not now. The solar eclipse is when? In a week?”

Yoru nodded.

The Doctor shook his head. “I’m sorry, we can’t go.” He began to eat.

I lowered my eyes onto the food on my plate. The smell was very peculiar, and I found I couldn’t bring myself to try it. I hadn’t eaten much lately, and trying something unfamiliar like this didn’t seem such a good idea after all. I reached for some of the delicious bread instead. It seemed like a safer alternative. Perhaps after I had something in my stomach I could try the other, unusual, foods.

“Why not?” Yoru sounded surprised and a bit disappointed.

“I... we... ” the Doctor began. It was the TARDIS, of course. He didn’t want to leave her, not when he knew that she was steadily declining. I could understand that, but since we had arrived, there had been nothing he had been able to do for her. Nothing. That was why he had consented to my request to enter the TARDIS on my own, to spend some time with her. And in a way, we had learned something from the experience. The TARDIS was in pain, and she was still able to form a link with us. She was able to communicate even if she had little control over how she did it.

I had no idea how long it had been since he’d lost everything, his family, his people, his entire planet. The Doctor was running again, running away from it, taking on full responsibility, but still running, never to look back. It wasn’t how things worked. It was also incredibly stupid of him. He had changed so much, in subtle ways, that sometimes I felt as though I knew him less and less as time passed. It was a thought I didn’t like at all. It was like going back to when we first met.

I had no idea how long it had been for him that he had lost his people, his home and his family. I knew that he seemed to have reverted to that raw, pained man when we first arrived on Ruul. It was understandable. He was about to lose the last thing that was left of home.

“Travelling is not a very good idea at the moment,” the Doctor said in between two mouthfuls of food.

“Actually, I’d love to go on a little trip,” I said. “I think some change of scenery will do us all good.”

The Doctor opened his mouth to say something, but closed it, and after a pause that seemed to go on forever he nodded. “Yes, perhaps you’re right.” He even reached for my hand. “How long will we be gone?”

“Just a couple of days, depending,” Yoru said.

“Depending on what?” I wanted to know, squeezing the Doctor’s hand.

“Depending on how long you’d like to stay after the solar eclipse. It’s cooler on the coast, so it’ll be a good opportunity to take a deep breath, and to sleep. And then, of course, there’s the fair. It’s famous, and I’d like to take you there; to show you more of our culture.”

I looked at the Doctor. Had he told Yoru who we were?

“I’d love that,” the Doctor said, not meeting my eyes.

Oh my. He was trying to make our life on Ruul work. He was even willing to leave the TARDIS alone for a while although he’d said she was getting worse.

I shivered. Had he given up?

“Rose?”

I suddenly felt very dizzy, and all the voices and sounds in the cloister were muted by the rushing in my ears. I tried to breathe deeply to calm down, but the fluttering in my chest wouldn’t go away.

“Rose!”

The Doctor made me look at him. His fingers dug into my cheeks and I had to blink several times before I realised that he was talking to me.

“Yes,” I said. My lips were moving, but I wasn’t sure if I’d made any sound. I looked at the Doctor, tried to focus on him. It took a while for his image to become clear and still. “What is it, Doctor?”

“I’m taking you home. Now,” he said. His voice was more distinct now. The rushing in my ears faded, and along with it went my dizziness.

I don’t remember getting home.

I was just grateful we were back in the peace and quiet of Sho. For the first time that day I felt I could breathe freely. The Doctor had taken me to the daybed in the loggia. He had wrapped damp flannels around my wrists, and another one rested at the back of my neck. When I tried to move my hand, I found it trapped in his.

He was sitting in the crook of my body, one leg tucked under, a book open in his lap. Although he was wearing his glasses he wasn’t reading. I moved my thumb over his skin to catch his attention without startling him. He smiled and leaned down for a kiss.

“You stubborn thing.”

“Silly little ape,” I added, smiling. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. I wanted you to enjoy the evening.”

“And you think that being here with you is not enjoyable?”

“Not when I’m like this, no,” I said softly.

He sighed. “How are you feeling?” he asked, removing the compresses to refresh them in the bowl of water on the coffee table.

“Good,” I said, sitting up.

He gave me a stern look.

“I really am fine, Doctor,” I said firmly, scooting backwards so I could lean into the cushions.

“That’s what you said before dinner,” he observed, wringing out the flannel. He held it out for me so I could put it at the back of my neck. I took it, but ran it over my face and throat instead. I felt very sticky.

That was when it all came back to me. The realisation that the Doctor might have given up on the TARDIS, of taking me home, washed over me again. This time, however, it came without the dizziness.

I wanted to ask him if he’d given up, but I was too scared to ask. Too scared of the answer, because I’d either find my suspicion confirmed or he’d never forgive me for doubting him. It was also because I had asked him to enjoy our life here, through which I had unwittingly encouraged him to let go. And let go he obviously had.

“Why?” I asked without thinking.

“Well, you scared me. And Yoru,” the Doctor replied. He closed the book, took off his glasses and shifted to sit next to me. I stiffened as he put his arm around me.

“Rose, what’s wrong?”

“That’s not what I was asking,” I said more sharply than I’d imagined I was capable of.

“What? Rose, I...” He let go of me but did not move away. Was he only pretending so he didn’t have to admit to it or did he really have no idea what I was talking about?

“You’ve given up on the TARDIS,” I stated bluntly. “You’ve given up hope.”

“What?” His voice was almost without sound.

“Why else would you be so ready to leave her alone all of a sudden?” I continued. I simply couldn’t stop myself. I twisted the flannel into an angry little ball to keep my hands from shaking.

“Rose, look at me,” he said calmly, his voice unbearably gentle. I kept my eyes on the cream-coloured flannel in my fists. My knuckles, I noticed, were white, and as I squeezed the damp fabric, the moisture trickled from between my fingers and onto the fabric of my dress. I could feel the dampness seep through the linen and onto my thigh.

“Look at me,” he said, touching my chin but never putting pressure on it.

I squared my jaw and raised my head to look at him.

“I never give up hope. Never,” he said.

I didn’t reply.

“Whatever gave you the idea I had?”

“You’re ready to leave the TARDIS alone for a while,” I began, repeating what I’d said earlier. “You call Sho home. You make an effort at enjoying your life here. You made love to me.” I was still shivering with a mixture of rage and confusion, but strangely enough, I managed to keep these feelings out of my voice. He had taken my hand again. Afraid of what I’d find in his eyes, I studied our interlaced fingers. His skin was much tanner than mine and his fingers looked strong enough to crush my hand. Still, I didn’t move.

“I bought Sho. Home,” he added quietly. Then he let go of my hand. The air was cold where his skin had touched mine. “I found a job.”

“Doctor, I...” I began, realising what I had done.

“Is that how you see our life?” He stood, running his hand through his hair. “Well, obviously it is. One huge mistake. I’m sorry if that’s how you feel. I’m sorry I got us stranded here. I’d never...” he stopped himself mid-sentence. His eyes were glimmering, and he sniffed. Then his expression changed to one of disappointment and loss. “I’m sorry, Rose.”

He took his book and tossed it onto the seat of his favourite chair. Then he picked up the bowl and flannels and disappeared to the bathroom. I sat, watching him numbly.

He returned after a while with two plates of sandwiches, fruit and two bottles of water. “Here, you haven’t eaten in a while. Get those blood sugar levels up a bit.” He held out one of the plates for me, and I took it, suddenly aware of how shaky I was.

He settled into his chair, eating his sandwich while he read.

The first few bites didn’t taste much of anything, or at least I didn’t appreciate it in the state I was in. He had put my favourite sweet spread on my sandwich. Eventually, I worked up enough courage to thank him, but he didn’t reply.

By the time we had finished our supper, darkness had fallen, and before collecting the empty dishes I lit the candles and lamps in the loggia. The Doctor looked up briefly, my reflection flickering in the glasses of his spectacles, and a small smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. But the moment passed quickly, and he returned to his reading.

When I came back to the loggia I settled down with my diary and vocabulary book. Maybe organising my days and words would help to make sense of what had just happened.

Flicking through the pages of my diary, I realised I had missed my call to Mum. I bit my lip. After the twelve-hours-that-really-were-twelve-months disaster I had made it a point to call her on a more regular basis, and so our Thursday night pattern had been established. I hadn’t missed more than two or three of those nights, and I hoped Mum hadn’t panicked.

I managed to write down a couple of new expressions and new words I had picked up that day before the dull pressure of a light headache settled behind my forehead. The Doctor had been right. It was too early to return to work. But at least the headache wasn’t so bad I needed painkillers.

The Doctor did look up, however, when I stood and wished him good night. The sadness in his eyes made my heart clench, and I wanted to say something, but there was something about the tension in his body that told me not to. I left my door open, not only to invite in a lazy breeze, but also as a peace offering. When I woke because I was thirsty, the Doctor was leaning, clad in his pyjama bottoms, against the doorframe, a book and his glasses dangling from between his fingers.

“You all right?” he asked when I sat up.

“Jus’ thirsty,” I mumbled. I drank deeply from the bottle on my bedside table and settled back into the pillows.

“I’m sorry for what I said,” I offered. “I wasn’t really listening. I was too scared.”

“I never give up hope,” he echoed.

“What’s ‘stay’ in Gallifreyan?” I asked.

The Doctor sighed before answering me. “Satu.”

“Satu?” I repeated, reaching out for him.

He shook his head, the movement almost too tiny to be visible in the darkness. “I can’t.” He pushed himself away from the frame, turned and left.


	11. Eleven: Comfort

Eleven  
Comfort

The Doctor’s favourite mug was still on the shelf when I set to making maklak the next morning. I put the kettle on the range to boil, then checked the pot-in-pot fridges. The sand was nearly dry, so I added water. Normally, the Doctor was up before me, and he did these little chores. I skinned, stoned and cut up some of the fruit we kept in the bowl on the table. We were nearly out and would need to go to the market the next day. Then I prepared two cups of maklak, and took the tray to the tower house.

The Doctor was there. He lay curled up on two cushions, fast asleep. I had no idea how long it had been since he’d last slept. He must be totally exhausted. His glasses sat on top of his book beside him. I hesitated for a moment. Last night, he hadn’t wanted to stay with me, and I couldn’t blame him. I had really hurt him. I knew that he hadn’t given up, and I should have trusted him instead of accusing him.

I put the tray down in the small space between us and I sat with my back against the wall. It was still pleasantly cool that Sunday morning, and for once I didn’t feel hot in my camisole and shorts. I drew up my legs – the skin became taut beneath the scab – and balanced the mug of maklak on my knees, gently blowing over the steam curling up from it.

I thought about the trip to the coast. While the idea of travelling again thrilled me, it also made me squirm inwardly. There was the TARDIS, for one. What had I been thinking, stabbing the Doctor in the back like that the previous night? Of course it was a bad idea to leave her alone, particularly since I had found out that she was able, and willing, to communicate. I wasn’t sure the Doctor had worked that out. We certainly hadn’t talked about it. And entering the TARDIS had been my idea, after all. I’d hoped it would give us a fresh perspective on what was happening to her. It had worked, too, but differently from what we had expected. Maybe the Doctor had suspected something like that would happen. She was his ship after all; no one knew her better than he.

Why, then, did the TARDIS communicate with me instead of with him? The bond between them was so much stronger than my link with her.

I carefully sipped my drink.

I looked from the TARDIS to the Doctor. He was still sleeping. I so rarely got to see him sleep, and when I did, I couldn’t help myself but watch. He looked so calm and unguarded. Open and vulnerable. Peaceful. If he wasn’t having a nightmare.

I dug my toes into the pale pink floor and rested my head against the wall. I took another sip of my maklak and popped a piece of trimullo into my mouth. Then, as if of its own will, my hand drifted to rest on the Doctor‘s unruly mop of hair. It felt incredibly soft beneath my fingers, just like mine. The water was very soft on Ruul. I also noticed that his hair was really quite long.

The Doctor woke when I couldn’t keep my fingers still in his hair. He rolled over to lie on his back, and my hand came to rest on the stubble of his cheek. I held it there until he opened his eyes. He took my hand from his cheek, squeezing it gently before letting it go so he could sit up. I cradled my mug with both hands, embarrassed.

“Mira qisu,” I said, gesturing at his mug.

He sat cross-legged, picking up his mug.

“I didn’t mean to wake you,” I said softly, blowing over my drink although there was no need. Its temperature was perfect.

“Come, sit here with me,” he said, patting one of the cushions he’d slept on. Pushing the tray towards him, I scooted to sit next to him. My leg touched his knee.

“Why didn’t you sleep in your bed?” I asked.

He turned his head and looked at me. “Couldn’t get comfortable.”

“I hurt you,” I said after a short pause. The admission felt more sincere and liberating than any plea for forgiveness. My heart was hammering in my chest, yet at the same time I felt oddly calm.

“Yes, you did.” He finished his maklak, his breath echoing in the empty mug, and set it down on the tray. He stood, but strangely enough, he didn’t leave.

I had to be very careful about what I said then. I didn’t want to defend myself; it wouldn’t have been right, nor did I want to tell him how I felt about him rejecting me. He had once again pushed me away. Although I knew he did it to protect me from harm, I felt he ought to know better than to push me away. I set my mug down on the tray next to his. “The TARDIS needs to tell us something,” I said.

He looked at me in surprise. Thus encouraged, I went on. “When she established the link with me, I could feel there was something she wanted me to know, but she couldn’t quite control herself. So all I felt was her pain, and it overwhelmed me.”

He rubbed the back of his neck, then ran his fingers through his messy hair. “How can you be so sure?”

“When I talked to her,” I mused, “when I touched her, she hummed. She was answering me.” I reached out and, after a heartbeat, the Doctor took my hand and let me pull him down beside me. I took a deep breath before I asked him, “Will you let me try again?”

The muscles in his jaw rippled, and the dimple made a brief appearance, but he didn’t let go of my hand.

“I haven’t given up, Rose,” he replied eventually. “I see why you think that – thought that,” he corrected himself. “I just need all of us to be comfortable. It gave me something to do. I’m not used to... not knowing, not being able to do anything to help. I always had the TARDIS to ask, in a way. See? I didn’t want you to get hurt, and... I didn’t want to get my hopes up too high.” His eyes were full of emotion, emotions he couldn’t put voice to, and this time, I tried hard to read him right. I could do that, it was something he had unwittingly taught me.

I shivered. “You trust me that much?” I asked softly.

“I didn’t – I don’t – want you to get hurt. And when I saw what had happened...” Again, he stopped himself.

I took a deep breath. “When I touched the TARDIS, bits of her stuck to my palm, like black crumbles from a piece of burnt toast,” I offered, studying my free hand to make the recollection as clear as possible. “Maybe that caused her so much pain. The coral is like her skin, right?” I rubbed my thumb over his knuckles, not daring to look him in the eye. The idea that I could have caused the TARDIS even further anguish made my cheeks flush with embarrassment.

“The coral is the TARDIS,” the Doctor said. “So you think something’s wrong with the coral.”

I nodded.

The Doctor let go of my hand and jumped to his feet. Rubbing the back of his neck furiously, he started to pace. I knelt, alarmed, ready to rise.

“Ha!” The Doctor suddenly exclaimed, making me jump despite myself. “Of course! Why didn’t I – ah, well, I was wallowing in self-pity, not much use, me, when I’m like that. Thick-thickety-thick thick.” He whirled around to face me, dropping painfully to his knees beside the cushion to take me by the shoulders. He grinned that manic grin that never failed to send a shiver down my spine.

“It’s the coral. All the other symptoms and failures... I thought the coral was one of them, a symptom, not the cause. It all makes sense now.”

“So we can help her?” I asked, trying, but not succeeding in not getting my hopes up too high. When I put my hands on the Doctor’s bare chest, I could feel the rapid beating of his hearts.

“If we find out what, exactly, caused the decay of the coral, yes. Yes, then we can help her,” he said triumphantly. He drew me into a rib-crushing hug then that I was reluctant to return at first. I still felt guilty about hurting him, and this felt – although it definitely was a peace offering – like something he did to avoid talking about what needed addressing just as badly as the TARDIS: us.

“Rose, what would I do without you,” he murmured, his nose buried in my hair.

“I’m sorry, Doctor,” I whispered. “I really am.”

He kissed my cheek, and his lips lingered a while. It struck me then that we were doing this the wrong way round: instead of exchanging kisses and touches like this, we had gone straight to making love, and and now we needed to learn to share these intimate moments. We’d always hugged and touched each other, but it was different now. This was not about sharing a quiet moment or reassuring each other or celebrating. This was about showing affection. I dug my fingers into his skin and inhaled his scent deeply.

“Shall we find out what’s wrong with her?” he asked, pulling back.

“Doctor, I – ” I began, but I saw something in his eyes that made me hold back. He was right. This was too soon. He needed time to heal. I cupped his stubbly cheek and pressed a chaste kiss to his lips. “Yes, let’s.”

He didn’t let go of my hand as we circled the TARDIS. My other hand automatically went to the spot between my breasts, to where the key nestled. But it was gone. I was so used to its presence that most of the time I didn’t even notice it. I did now, however, when I found it gone.

“You left it in the lock,” he explained, reaching for the handle and pushing the door open. My relief about not having lost my key changed into surprise that he did not bother locking the TARDIS door anymore. The door squeaked open – I smiled at the fact that he never bothered to fix it – and we were confronted with a wave of the snuffed-candle smell. The Doctor picked up the lamp, its glass cylinder repaired, and lit it. The grating was a bit uncomfortable after the soft porousness of the tiles, and I realised I’d never been barefoot in the console room.

I could feel my pulse quicken despite my trust in the TARDIS and the Doctor’s presence. The pain was just a memory now, but it was one I didn’t want refreshed. I really wanted to help, but just like on Thursday, I had no idea how to go about it.

The Doctor murmured a greeting in Gallifreyan, and it was returned with a very gentle thrum.

“Hello,” I said just as softly, and a bit nervously. She thrummed a bit louder, and it almost felt as if it contained an element of surprise. I was enveloped in a feeling of warmth, as if a coat had been draped around my shoulders. I let go of the Doctor’s hand and stepped towards the console. Its lights were dark. Slowly circling it, I saw that the monitor was dark too. I hadn’t really noticed that on Thursday, I had been too wrapped up in all the other sensations. “I’m sorry if I hurt you the other day. I had no idea,” I said.

The TARDIS hummed in reply, and again there was this sensation of soothing warmth. She had accepted my apology, was even telling me not to worry about it.

“Can I?” I asked, reaching for the coral on the edge of the console, my hand hovering centimetres above it. I had no idea if she knew what I was up to.

The Doctor said something in Gallifreyan, and I looked up, puzzled. I smiled when I looked at him. The Doctor in his pyjama bottoms was a rare sight in the console room. “Doctor?” I asked.

“It’s okay. Touch her.”

Slowly, I lowered my hand onto the console, on a spot close to the one I had already touched, taking care not to move my hand on the uneven surface. “What’s wrong with you?” I asked.

When the TARDIS replied this time, it was through a pleasant tingling sensation that travelled through my hand, up my arm and down my spine. I shivered slightly and closed my eyes. “What is it we can do for you?”

I sensed the Doctor stepping up to the console behind me. He put his right hand next to mine, his thumb sliding between my little finger and my ring finger. I reached behind me with my free hand to take his.

The TARDIS thrummed gently. I could feel it all over my body. The sensation increased slowly but steadily, accompanied by the soothing gesture. I took a step backwards, leaning into the Doctor for support.

Then my mind filled with the golden glow of the days when the TARDIS coral was well. I gasped at the intensity of the experience. Everything around me blurred, and I was faintly aware of the Doctor’s hand slipping out of mine so he could wrap his arm around my midriff instead. He was crying something in Gallifreyan. Then his other arm came around me as well.

My knees gave out and I sagged against him, breathing hard as the coral slowly faded from my mind and my vision cleared.

The TARDIS hummed a sad little sound. The Doctor said something in Gallifreyan, lifting me up into his arms. I wrapped my arms around his neck to help him a little, and closed my eyes. I dimly noticed that the soles of my feet were burning.

When I opened my eyes I was looking at the painted ceiling of the loggia. The Doctor’s face swam into focus as I turned my head. He was kneeling on the floor in front of the day bed, holding my hand.

“Hey,” I said softly, smiling. I turned to lie facing him so I could feather my fingers over the worry lines on his forehead.

“She didn’t mean to hurt you,” he said.

I dropped my hand to cover his. “I know. I knew it the first time.”

He held my gaze for a long while, his brown eyes boring into mine with an inquisitive quality that kept me from wanting to lose myself in their warmth. Then I realised. He hadn’t believed me when I’d told him it had been an accident. Why would he think the TARDIS would hurt me? I tried not to dwell on that thought. “I’m all right.”

He nodded, standing. “Good,” he said, smiling weakly.

I sat up. “Everything went coral. There was just the colour. No pain. It was a bit overwhelming, but there wasn’t any pain.”

He accepted my answer, but he still looked a bit confused and doubtful. There was, however, a third quality that made up his expression. It took me a while to work out what it was. When I did, I was in the bathroom to prepare myself for the day, dropping my toothbrush into the font.

It had been awe.

-:-

The Doctor had to work late the next day. There was a reception held by the directors of all educational institutes in Lufana, and Setiu had requested that he accompany her. It came as a surprise to all of us, but particularly to Yoru, who should have been the one to go with her. Yoru was disappointed and angry, of course, but he didn’t blame the Doctor. He had done nothing that gave him more merit or credit than Yoru, and I knew that he regarded Setiu’s invitation as a punishment rather than an honour. He resented nothing more than tedious events of self-admiration. But Setiu wasn’t to be persuaded and so the Doctor had to go.

Part of me was glad to have the late afternoon and evening to myself. Just like the Doctor, I needed some time to myself, but he had the nights to do his soul-searching. As much as I loved him, sometimes it felt good to be alone for a while, to think things over without being distracted or having to feel guilty.

I settled in the loggia to read, to distract myself a bit, but I couldn’t concentrate on the words as my mind started to wander. I was very relieved that the Doctor had forgiven me. He hadn’t done so in as many words, and while I still needed to hear them I was content to know that he had accepted my apology.

We had, however, not talked about our relationship. I was furious with myself for not sitting him down and telling him about my feelings. I had gone over what I’d said over and over again, and realised that it sounded like I was rejecting him, that I regretted our having made love. It was little wonder that he had withdrawn and slept in his own bed.

Shame washed over me. I had betrayed everything that had passed between us the night of the Burning of the Shawl because I had been too scared to tell him, too scared of being rejected by him. I had never told him because I didn’t want him to feel obliged to return my declaration of love. He was so vulnerable in bed. I didn’t want to take advantage of that.

Tears pricked my eyes, and the words on the page before me became blurred. I dropped my book into my lap and rested my head against the cobbled wall. What had I done?

The doorbell roused me from my thoughts. For a moment I sat wondering who it could be, because apart from Yoru we didn’t have visitors often. Then I remembered that the Doctor had asked Fenia over before Setiu had detailed him to accompany her. Obviously still reluctant to leave me by myself, the Doctor had not changed the night, but invited Yoru over as well. And in all the hustle and bustle he had forgotten to tell me. I stood, hastily wiping my eyes. I laughed as I looked myself down. I was wearing a baggy t-shirt that came down halfway my thighs and kept slipping off one shoulder. Not really the height of Ruulim fashion.

I invited Yoru and Fenia to come and sit in the loggia, reassuring them that they were not interrupting anything. Fenia had apparently noticed that I had been crying, though, and I avoided looking at her.

“I’m afraid all I can offer you is something to drink. After what happened...” I explained to Yoru after we’d settled down.

“I’ll go and get some food, if you’d like,” he offered once I had insisted, again, that they stay. “The hot food stall down the road looks really good.”

I nodded, blushing furiously. I was being a really bad hostess. Also, I didn’t want to be alone with Fenia. We had met briefly at the Observatory that day, but we hadn’t spoken much. She had made quite an impression on me. She was far more clever than I had thought, and remembered that Yoru had mentioned she wanted to become a professor. On top of that, she was very beautiful. Her eyes were nearly black and very expressive, she had a sweet little pouty mouth and her thick, glossy hair rested between her shoulder blades in a thick braid. I had remained silent around her, suddenly aware of my own shortcomings, particularly my grasp of their language, and it only served to remind me how the Doctor always seems to be attracted to clever people.

“I’m sorry,” Fenia offered once Yoru was gone. She seemed a bit uncomfortable. “We shouldn’t really impose ourselves on you like this.”

I smiled. “We could go on apologising the whole night. What can I offer you to drink?”

She suggested wine, and on my way back from the kitchen I slipped into a loose sun dress so I was more appropriately dressed for having guests. I poured some wine for Fenia, and watered down mine.

“Why are you doing that?” she asked in surprise.

“I prefer it that way,” I simply said, perhaps a bit defensive. We sat in awkward silence for a while, which she used to take in her surroundings, and I to hide behind the wine cup.

“Sho is very beautiful,” Fenia said at last, locking her black eyes with mine. I nodded, swallowing. I wished she were gone. I was falling apart, even more so in her company, and she was the last person – apart from Setiu or the Doctor – I wanted to see me like this.

“Rose, what is it?” She was making an effort to come close to the English pronunciation of my name. Her eyes widened in concern, and she sat up, her elbows resting on her knees. If she reached out she could touch me.

“I... nothing,” I found myself saying.

“It’s not because of your accident, is it.” It was a statement rather than a question. She was clever and emphatic. Damn the woman.

“I’m a little homesick,” I replied, despite myself. It wasn’t even a lie.

Fenia touched my knee then, and I tensed a little. For a split second I thought she’d withdraw her hand, but she left it where it was, and I slowly allowed myself to relax under her comforting touch. “I know the feeling,” she said tenderly.

I gave her a watery smile and nodded. My home was with the Doctor, and while I knew he loved me, I was very confused by the mixed signals he’d been giving me. I was so torn between just drawing him towards me for a kiss and leaving him alone. I missed kissing him, being with him.

“It’s more than that, though,” she concluded. Her voice was very low, and for a moment I almost thought it was trembling a bit. Was Fenia nervous?

I looked up at her, and her dark eyes were so full of warmth that I suddenly wanted to pour out my heart to her. She radiated kindness, and suddenly I wondered why I had been so afraid of her.

I nodded, and before I knew it I was telling her about the Doctor and me. She listened calmly, never interrupting, and afterwards she held me as I sobbed into her expensively clad shoulder.


	12. Twelve: Holiday

Twelve  
Holiday

Yoru returned from the hot food stall as I was beginning to feel better. Fenia helped him in the kitchen to give me a chance to clean up. I didn’t want him to see me with my eyes all puffy. As I bent over the font in the bathroom I wondered if trusting Fenia had been a good idea.

"I don’t know what to say,” she had said as my tears had abated. She gave me her handkerchief to blow my nose.

I laughed.“Me neither, but it was good to get it off my chest. Thank you.”

I missed Mum.

My heartache wasn’t something I wanted to discuss with mum over the phone. She was still wary of the alien who had taken her daughter of fto see the universe. Taken her off to show her a life that Jackie Tyler could never hope to give her, no matter how much she loved her.

I was fairly certain she suspected that the Doctor and I were in love. But this was something to discuss on the sofa, over a nice cuppa, not on the phone via universal roaming.

What had I done?

I was very tired, as I usually was after such an emotional episode, and I was also very hungry. I squared my shoulders and joined Yoru and Fenia in the kitchen,where they had already set out the dishes and bowls and arranged all the food Yoru had brought. It was a feast.

"Areyou feeling better now?” Yoru asked, concern etched into his faceas he helped me sit down on the bench next to Fenia.

"Yeah, thanks,” I mumbled. What had she told him?

"Don’t worry, she only told me that you needed a good cry,” Yoru said as he handed me the bread. It was still warm and smelled divine.

I nodded, exchanging a grateful glance with Fenia. We began to eat, and the Doctor joined us when we were nearly finished. Fenia touched my thigh under the table as the Doctor entered the kitchen. He looked annoyed,and he undid the buttons on his waistcoat with less care than usual.

"What’s wrong, Doctor?” Yoru asked, rearranging the plates to make room for the Doctor’s.

"Setiu is the most tedious woman I have ever met. Apart from, perhaps, the Lady Cassandra,” he added as an afterthought, and I smiled as he looked at me.

“Tell me about it. I didn’t miss her at all,” Fenia bit out, mopping up the remainder of the dip on her plate with a chunk of bread. He rvoice was full of venom. I avoided looking at her.

"What happened?” I asked softly.

"She is a jealous, bitter woman,” the Doctor said, then helped himself to some of the food and wouldn’t talk about her anymore.

He cleaned up the kitchen while I saw Fenia and Yoru out a half hour later. He had pulled his shirt out of the waistband of his trousers and was busy doing the dishes. I helped myself to some water and sat down to watch him work. His whole body radiated tension, and I wondered what exactly had happened at the reception.

"It was that horrible, eh?” I said eventually, as he dried his hands off.

He slid onto the bench next to me, taking my hand. “No matter what happens,Rose, never ever doubt you’re brilliant. Don’t let her tell you you aren’t. Promise me.”

His words came out in a rush, and the expression in his dark eyes was so urgent that I drew him into my arms. “Why?”

The Doctor withdrew. “She hates you,” he said.

"I know.”

"She hates Fenia too.”

"Really? Why?”

"Because the two of you are clever. And...”

"And?”

"And I want you to be careful around her.” This, I sensed, wasn’t really what he’d wanted to say; he’d said it too fast.

"I will, and I am, thank you.”

"Good,” he said, and leaned in to kiss me. It was a tender kiss, just lips on lips, and he lingered a bit. I remained very still when it was over,unsure if I’d only imagined it. But I could still feel the pressureof his cool lips on mine.

"I’ve brought you something,” he said, taking my hand.

I was too dazed from the kiss to say something, so I merely nodded. I couldn’t believe that, a couple of hours ago, I had fallen apart in Fenia’s arms about him, and now he was kissing me. It was a bit too much. I didn’t move.

"Rose?” He looked like an excited little boy, impatient to show me something that was very important to him. Still, I felt unable to get up. His face fell, and he sat down next to me.

"What’s wrong, Rose?” he asked.

"I...” I choked. I looked at him, my eyes wide and my hand trembling in his. “I... love you. I love you, Doctor.”

There, I’d said it.

The world was spinning as he just sat there, staring at me as if he hadn’t understood what I’d said. I’d said it, and probably ruined everything. I freed my hand and stood.

"You...love me?” he said, barely audibly, even in the quiet of nocturnal Sho. The crickets’ song sounded preternaturally loud, and there was a soft tinkling sound I’d never heard before that accompanied the gentle rustle of the leaves in the light breeze.

I nodded.

He rose, taking my hands. “Can you say that again?”

I looked a thim, and when I saw the love in his eyes and the vulnerability in his face, I knew it had been the perfect thing to say. “I love you,Doctor.”

His thumbs brushed lightly over the backs of my hands as he leaned in for another kiss. It began like his first kiss, but soon deepened, our bodies pressing together as we held each other as close as possible.

When we separated I was a little dizzy, but I laughed.

"I...” the Doctor began. He couldn’t tell me, not with words, but his eyes were full of emotion, and he willed me to see it as he trailed his fingers down my cheek.

"It’sokay, Doctor,” I said, drawing him towards me for another kiss. And it was.

-:-

"What is it that you wanted to show me?” I asked after we’d spent a long time kissing in the kitchen. I was exhausted after the long and emotional day, and I wanted nothing more than to go to bed and just curl up with him. I had ruined his surprise, and I wanted to make it up to him.

The Doctor took my hand and led me across the grass to the loggia. The sounds of the crickets and the occasional tinkling filled the night air, and it was beginning to cool off a little.

"D’you hear that?” the Doctor asked me.

"That tinkling? It’s beautiful,” I said. “It sounds like Sho. If the house could make a sound.”

He beamed a tme as he held back the heavy coral-coloured curtains, now grey in the dim light. My eyes needed to adjust to the darkness of the loggia, but once they did, I saw the source of the tinkling. It was a set of wind chimes the Doctor had hung in the open corner window. As the breeze from the river wafted in, it stirred a little tile with a bead that touched the metal tubes surrounding it.

"It’s beautiful,” I repeated.

"I saw it at the Night Market, and I thought you might like it,” he said.

"Thank you,” I said, standing on tip toe so I could kiss his cheek.

We didn’t make love that night, but we fell asleep together, and when I woke the next day, it was because he was playing with my hair and kissing my forehead.

-:-

The day at the Observatory was just as crazy and the ones before the Open day had been. Yoru and the Doctor were busy with the preparations for the study trip to the coast while Fenia was called to Setiu’s office for a report on the exchange programme – Fenia was seething when she returned shortly after we’d finished lunch – and I was off for the morning, managing the practicalities of the trip. I went to the central station to buy the train tickets and wire ahead to Barracan to book rooms in a hotel for us. I was glad to get away from the Observatory for a while, especially after what I had learned about Setiu. I was back at the small cloister just in time for lunch with a bag full of sandwiches and drinks for the four of us.

"Calm down, Fenia,” Yoru said and made her sit down in the alcove with us.

Fenia was so furious that as she started to take a bite of her sandwich she realized that her apetite was gone and she dropped it back into the wrapper uneaten. “I hate her,” she finally managed, her voice shaking with emotion. “Remind me why I came back?”

Yoru opened and closed his mouth. “Because you missed me?”

I stared at him, thinking I must have misheard him.

"Of course, dear brother,” Fenia said, smiling a little. She took a deep breath to calm herself down. “She hates me.”

I blushed. Of course. How could I have missed the similarity between them? The same straight nose and chiselled lips – only Fenia’s were a bit fuller than her brother’s.

"We’ll get whatever it is sorted after we return from Barracan,” Yoru said. And for the Doctor’s and my benefit, he explained, “It’s an academic dispute, only Setiu has taken it to a personal level.”

"Doesn’t surprise me,” I said, popping a masu into my mouth. I loved the grape-like fruit.

"Yeah,” Fenia said, not entirely convinced.

"So, you’re siblings. Must be wonderful to have a brother or a sister,” I said, passing around the bag of fruit.

"It can be,” Yoru teased. And just like that, the mood shifted away from the horrible Setiu and we started making plans for our trip to Barracan. I remember the occasional trip to the sea fondly, particularly the outings on which I went with Mum. I had treated her to a trip for Mother’s Day once. It had left quite a dent in one of my first Henrik’s paychecks, but it had been totally worth it. I hadn’t seen her so happy and relaxed in a long time.

This trip, I knew, was going to be entirely different, and not only because we were halfway across the galaxy. I would be going with the man I loved. The trip wasn’t going to be all pleasure, but still I was looking forward to it, and I was convinced that some change of scenery would do the Doctor good. We hadn’t travelled in a long time.

I was still surprised about my outbursts the night before, both of them. I had the next couple of days to find out if I really could trust Fenia. But I also had a more practical problem now that the Doctor and I had made up. I had exhausted my supply of birth control pills. Not that we’d get to do much more than kissing and cuddling in the next couple of days. At least I had enough tampons left.

I decided that the direct approach would be best, so when the Doctor and I were sitting in the loggia that night, finishing off the last of the food before we left for Barracan the next morning, I asked him. He looked at me wide-eyed, and in shock.

"What is it?” I asked, unsure if I had offended him in some way.

"I never... stopped to ask you about that. I just took it for granted,” the Doctor replied, rubbing the back of his neck. The breeze was playing with the wind chimes.

"You mean we... we could have kids?” I asked, feeling a little light-headed.

"Don’t see why not,” he said. Just as the corners of his eyes began to crinkle, his smile faded. “I’m sorry I never asked. About protection. Not very responsible, me.”

I nodded, reaching out to cup his cheek. “’s okay. What are we going to do about it?”

"I might have... some condoms left from... from earlier,” he said, tugging at his ear.

"Earlier?”

"Before I met you.”

"Great. If they’re still good, pack them,” I said, grinning and leaning back into the cushions. The expression on the Doctor’s face was so priceless I dissolved into a fit of giggles.

-:-

The train ride seemed to go on forever, and when I staggered off the car and onto the platform in Barracan, I felt as though I were still on the train. The Ruulim trains were neither fast nor comfortable – and we had even been allowed first class seats by the bursar – and even as I had firm ground under my feet I could still feel the monotonous beat of the wheels on the tracks and the occasional jerk. Luckily, no one seemed to notice.

It was kitallun,and the station was practically empty. Luckily, the hotel had sent a motorcar to pick us up at the station, and I enjoyed the airstream playing in my hair and cooling my skin as we zoomed, at the breakneck speed of what felt like roughly 20 mph, through the nearly empty avenues. It was the strongest wind I had experienced since our arrival here, apart from the times I had taken the bike and raced downhill to the lower city.

I could smell the sea already when we arrived at the station, but the closer the motorcar took us to the beach, where our hotel was, the stronger it became as a breeze coming in from the water carried with it the tangy, salty smell of the sea. I had never been to a Mediterranean beach, and I was a bit disappointed when it didn’t look like the beaches I had seen in the glossy travel brochures. There weren’t row upon row of sunshades and deck-chairs, and the strip of beach was rather narrow. The promenade was lined by little colourful huts, and when we went to ours a bit later that afternoon, I saw that each hut had a wooden deck with deck-chairs and an awning over them. The sand became so hot that it was impossible to walk on it barefoot. If you wanted to go swimming, you had to wear shoes and leave them on the string of benches that lined the water’s edge, just where the dark, wet sand began.

"More hygienic, too,” the Doctor commented, flopping into the deck-chair. Our hotel room came with a beach hut, so we could leave our beach things here and didn’t have to drag them up to the room. We used our hut to store the equipment the Doctor and Yoru needed to take their photographs of the solar eclipse, and we’d change and leave our things to dry in Fenia’s hut. Yoru wasn’t going to use his.

"I can still feel the train moving beneath my feet,” I said, lowering myself into the other deck-chair, toeing off my sandals.

"That, Rose Tyler, is a trick of the mind,” he said, his voice drowsy.

"Still feel it, though,” I mumbled.

He reached out and I let him take my hand. “Do you regret coming here?” I asked after a while. The Doctor’s eyes were closed, but he wasn’tasleep.

"No,” he said, turning his head. “You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink. Sometimes I’m just like that.”


	13. Thirteen: Making up

Thirteen  
Making Up

That night we had a picnic in a park very similar to Liannufar Gardens. This park was laid out in the ruins of the Barracan fortress which had been left to crumble after it had fallen into disuse at the end of the Wars. Many of the locals took great pride in the fact that their houses were built with stones from the old castle. Our hotel’s name roughly translated as The Bowers but it didn’t come from the mediaeval style of bowers in castles we associate with the word but, the Doctor explained, from the design of Ruulim fortresses. They all had walled gardens with suites of rooms, usually occupied by the court ladies, overlooking them.

We found a shady spot at the remains of the outer wall from which we had a beautiful view of the beach. The sea beyond was calm, small waves gently lapped at the shore. Fenia told me it was low tide, and so the sea birds, rather like our seagulls, were stalking the heaps of seaweed the receding water had revealed for food. Every now and then they would soar up into the sky, screeching overhead.

The bit of wall was wide and even enough or us to sit on and spread the tablecloth between us. We had picked up the food at the market after we had made sure that the equipment was safely looked away in the beach hut.

“It’s lovely here. I’ve never been to the seaside for more than a couple of hours,” I said, covering my piece of bread with the spread I liked so much. “Once we went despite the wind and rain. When we were back home I took a long hot bath and Mum made us t– maklak.”

The Doctor looked away.

“Where’s Mum now?” Yoru asked.

The Doctor ran his hand over the back of his neck.

“Back home. I left when I met the Doctor,” I said. “We’re still in touch, though.”

Yoru nodded, then smiled. I hadn’t meant to drive home the fact with him that I was unavailable. I was struggling for the right way of putting it when Fenia came to my rescue. “That sounds very brave.”

“She is,” the Doctor finally said. “She’s one of the bravest people I’ve ever met.”

We stayed at the park long after we had finished our picnic to watch the sunset. It tinted the sky in all shades of red and yellow, and for a few moments there were even touches of purple and a light shade of green. It was hard to believe that shortly before noon the next day there would be an even more spectacular event in the sky. I’d seen supernovas and triple moons and the end of the world, but I’d never seen a solar eclipse before and I had no idea what to expect.

Just like in Liannufar Gardens, the groundskeepers went around lighting the braziers and providing the visitors with matchsticks so they could light the lanterns in the boughs of the trees. We left that for the Doctor to do as he had no trouble at all reaching the uppermost lanterns. Yoru, who had gone to get us something to drink, returned to tell us that there would be music and dancing later on.

The atmosphere that night was much lighter than it had been at the Burning of the Shawl ceremony; people were laughing and playing around, the kids allowed to stay up late to take part. The steps to many of the Ruulim dances were rather like the Renaissance ones I’d seen on the telly, and they turned out to be much more complicated than they looked. I danced occasionally with Yoru, while The Doctor took his turn with Fenia, and sometimes we were a quartet when the steps called for it. My sense of rhythm, developed by my gymnastics training, gave me a bit of an edge and I got the knack very quickly. The Doctor, on the other hand, had difficulty and I couldn’t help grinning at him. You’d think that a man his age, with his extensive experience in diverse situations would find it easier than he did, but it turned out that he was an even worse dancer than my first Doctor.

“How often did you step on poor Fenia’s toes?” I asked him when he pulled me towards him for a slow dance. He drew our joined hands close to his left heart as he splayed his fingers on my bare back. His touch was comfortingly cool on my skin, and I rested my head on his shoulder.

“I stopped counting,” he said, “but I promised to get her some ice for her feet later.” We swayed to the music for a while.

“I could do this all night,” I sighed. I felt perfectly content in his arms. All thoughts of the TARDIS were gone, along with worrying if I’d ever see Mum again, if we’d ever be able to leave Ruul. If he loved me. I flattened my hand over his left heart, felt it beat calmly, reassuringly.

“I want to make love to you, Rose,” he whispered, plucking my hand off his chest so he could kiss my palm.

I blushed. How could I tell him that this wasn’t a good time without making it sound like a rejection? He must have felt my tension, and of course my long silence did nothing to help matters either. He let go of my hand to raise my chin so he could meet my eyes.

“What’s wrong, Rose?”

“I... I can’t. Not tonight. But I’d be happy to... you know–” I stammered, unable to meet his eyes. He dropped his hand.

“Rose, I... if you don’t want to, just say it,” he said, sounding a little hurt.

“No, I do want to. I’d love to. But I can’t. I’ve got my period.”

“Oh.”

I’m sure that had it been brighter, I could have seen him blush furiously. Not necessarily the stuff of legend for Time Lords, the female cycle. Or men in general.

“But we could still cuddle and snog and... you know. If you want to that is.” I never felt quite clean enough and wasn’t too keen on being with someone that time of the month, but he seemed so crestfallen that I wanted to make it up to him. Besides, I had a feeling he still didn’t quite trust in the reality of our love, and I didn’t want him to worry. “I’ve read somewhere that just caressing each other, without having actual sex, can be even more enjoyable and intimate because you aren’t under pressure. I’d like to try that. It sounded lovely,” I offered.

It wasn’t even a lie. I’d read that in a book Shareen had shown me ages ago. She’d nicked it from her parents’ bedroom, and we’d poured over it, in secret, in our favourite hiding place, giggling over the photos. I’d always wanted to try cuddling and caressing each other without the whole insert-tab-A-into-slot-B thingy, but try asking that of a teenage boy.

The Doctor began to smile as he warmed to the idea. “Do you think it would be terribly rude if we left now?” he asked, leaning down for a kiss.

“I think we’d spare them some awkward moments,” I replied, tucking the tip of my tongue in the corner of my mouth.

“Let’s,” he whispered, kissing me, and kissing me again, deeply.

We said good-night then, promising to meet for breakfast the next morning. Ruulim breakfast, at least the proper one, was a grand affair, not to be missed, and unless you lived with a Ruulim mother or at a hotel, you hardly ever had the chance to sample it. At least that’s what Yoru told us. “Mother’s breakfast was the best, wasn’t it?” he said, exchanging glances with his sister. She nodded, smiling a little wistfully.

Back at the hotel, I suggested the Doctor undress and take a shower. He was a bit disappointed that I didn’t join him but went in after him. When I was finished and left the bathroom I found him standing, naked, at the window, peering outside through the slats. I’ll forever cherish the the sight of his naked backside in the softly hissing gas lights. He looked very comfortable in his body, this body, but then again I guess you have to if you have the ability to change like that. I stepped up behind him and kissed the mole between his shoulder-blades, placing my hands on his hips.

“You’re gorgeous,” I murmured, punctuating my words with kisses. I slid my hands around him and up his stomach, pressing myself against his back. He didn’t move; he only dropped his hand from where it had sought purchase against the slats onto mine.

I rested my cheek on his back.

“Rose?”

I hummed.

“I’d very much like to have that cuddle,” he said softly. When I lifted my head off his back he turned his head, his chin resting against his shoulder.

“Yeah.” I let go of him and took his hand to pull him towards the bed. Considering that the Ruulim were rather short people they had huge beds. The Doctor lay down beside me and I snuggled up to him. We both laughed as it took us a while to arrange our legs comfortably. He tucked his head underneath my chin and held me tight. I ran my fingers through his damp hair and dropped a kiss on his head.

“Are you all right, Doctor?” I asked after a while. I was drawing lazy patterns on his skin.

“Do you miss Jackie?” he asked.

“Yeah, course I do.”

“Does she know? About Ruul?”

I drew a deep breath. “No.” I hadn’t found it in myself to tell her. And I was glad, because I hadn’t upset her unnecessarily, particularly now that the Doctor seemed so close to figuring out what was wrong with the TARDIS. He pulled away to look at me. “You haven’t told her?”

I shook my head.

“You’ve never given up hope?”

I was about to shake my head, but that would have been a lie. Of course I had doubted, in the darkest moments, and in the others I hadn’t wanted to think of it. Living in denial was so much easier, even when the consequences of being forced to accept the truth could be catastrophic.

“You know what happened when we talked about getting a mortgage,” I said. “Our situation then was even more hopeless than now.”

“But now we really have a house,” the Doctor replied.

I sighed, cupping his cheek. “I trust you, you know. Completely.”

I could see a reply ready on his lips, but for some reason he held back. Instead, he leaned in for a kiss, and the tension melted off him as I deepened it.

“As long as I have universal roaming,” I said after we’d come up for breath, “It’s not so bad.” I, at least, still had the chance to talk to my Mum, whereas he had lost everyone. I let my fingers roam as he lay still, his dark eyes fathomless as he looked at me. I untangled my limbs from his and encouraged him to roll onto his stomach. Straddling him, I bent down to nuzzle the spot behind his ear and to run my hands along his arms. I laced my fingers through his where his hands rested on his either side of his head, my breasts pressing into his back. I smiled as he relaxed even more. When I rose I saw he had his eyes closed, and he let out a long breath as I began to stroke his back, running my hands along either side of his spine and up again the sides of his torso. I repeated that a few times before I leaned in again to explore the back of his neck and his shoulders with my lips, gently grazing his fragrant skin with my teeth every now and then.

When I moved off him he made a soft sound of protest. I shushed him and began to kiss my way across his back down to the twin dimples just above his bum. He moved his hips and moaned a bit, and when I slid my hands between his thighs he repeated the sound, deeper and longer. I smiled. I ran my fingers down the backs of his legs, and up their sides, and up their insides, but I withdrew when I touched his balls.

The Doctor groaned.

I lay down beside him, taking his hand and kissing his knuckles. His eyes fluttered open. They were very dark.

“If you want more you’ll have to roll onto your back,” I whispered, ghosting my fingers over his cheek.

“How much more?”

“As much as you want,” I said.

He leaned in for a kiss, and he looked almost chagrined. Before I could worry about it though, he rolled over and I saw the reason. “As much as you want,” I reassured him, kissing him deeply, and cupping his erection with my palm.

I withdrew my hand as he groaned, but didn’t straddle him this time. Instead, I set out to explore his body from where I was, starting with his face, then working my way slowly down, repeating on his front what I’d done to his back. I was surprised by how many new special places I discovered in the process. I paid particular attention to how a gentle bite would affect him. I touched him everywhere, but I didn’t touch his cock again. I nibbled at the insides of his thighs and pushed them apart for better access, enjoying the play of his muscles, the occasional shiver that went through him. Eventually, when I moved up to suck at his hipbone, cupping the other one, he arched off the bed and away from me.

“Doctor?” I asked.

He actually purred and stretched languidly. Then he looked at me. “That was a clever book,” he murmured, stroking my cheek with the backs of his fingers.

“I could–”

“No,” he said. “I loved it. Now let me return the favour.” He pushed himself up onto his elbows and kissed me as he lowered me down onto the mattress. “Relax,” he whispered.

I closed my eyes and nodded. While I had been perfectly comfortable caressing him, I felt a bit insecure now that I was on the receiving end. Jimmy wouldn’t touch me when I had my period, claimed it was gross. And although Mickey had been more mature about it, all we had ever done was kiss and cuddle – more or less fully dressed.

I took a few deep breaths, willing my body to trust and relax.

“Tell me when to stop,” he said, kissing me.

When he had me lie on my stomach, I suddenly found it very easy to relax. He ran his palms up and down my back, massaging rather than caressing, finding the knots in my back and shoulders and working them out. I began to grow sleepy and sighed in contentment.

I would never have thought that this could really be so wonderful, that this would actually work. It was erotic but it was not about sex, it was about us.

His breath suddenly brushed my cheek before he kissed my temple. “Is that good?” he asked softly.

“Mm. Very,” I mumbled, squashed into the mattress as my face was.

“I’d like you to turn over,” he said, tugging at my earlobe with his teeth. “I’d like to see you, my beautiful Rose.”

I rolled onto my back and into his arms. We kissed for a while, taking our time, changing the rhythm, changing from lazy to passionate to urgent and back. And then he moved away and began to lick and kiss and caress me all over. I was so relaxed and lost in the sensations that there came a point when I thought he was all around me.

The sound of his kisses and of his palms on my skin punctuated the hissing of the gas lamps. His breath brushed over me in cool waves, and when he hummed to himself in delight, the sound reverberated through my whole body.

Then, out of the blue, he sucked one of my nipples into this mouth and I cried out in surprise. I asked him to stop – because I knew that if he kept it up, there’d be a point of no return, a point of pure torture because I couldn’t have what I wanted –, and was rewarded with his pouty bottom lip when I opened my eyes. I ran my fingers through his longish hair, and although he continued caressing my breasts, he didn’t surprise me again.

Until he slid his right hand between my thighs, brushing his fingers over my folds. I clamped my thighs down on him to stop him. I didn’t want him there.

“Please don’t,” I said, cupping his cheek, blinking in the bright light after the dark behind my eyelids. He removed his hand, and I rolled onto my side, facing him as he knelt on the bed. His hand came to rest on the swell of my hip. He was still very aroused. I reached out for him, but he caught and trapped my hand on his thigh.

“Please don’t,” he echoed. He lay down facing me, drawing me into the curve of his body. “That was a very clever book,” he said, kissing my forehead.

I smiled, but my smile turned into an epic yawn. The Doctor chuckled, then kissed me to sleep.


	14. Fourteen: Music

Fourteen  
Music

Fenia and I went for a walk the next morning while her brother and the Doctor set up the equipment they needed to measure the solar eclipse. Although I knew that the Doctor had probably seen hundreds of solar eclipses, and Yoru was more of a scientist than a romantic, it was still beyond me how they would want to experience something so exciting through the lenses of optical instruments.

“Tell me about your Mum,” Fenia began as we retraced our steps to the park.

I dropped my gaze onto my sandal-clad feet. How was I supposed to summarise Mum in a couple of sentences? Although I knew her so well, I found it hard to describe her; I felt I couldn’t do her justice. “She wanted to seduce the Doctor. She slapped him, and she hugged him. She made him Christmas dinner and made him feel at home. She’s my best friend, and I love her to bits.”

“Christmas?”

“A huge celebration we have in winter. Cynics say it’s about making money.”

“Are they right?”

“Not in my book, they aren’t. You see, Mum brought me up by herself. We’ve never had much money. Of course, we’d buy each other presents for Christmas. But they were small ones, more of a token, a gesture. It’s really about being together with your loved ones,” I explained. “It’s also about being in your pyjamas all day and food and...” watching films and specials on the telly, I meant to add, but held my tongue. How do you explain the complicated holiday that Christmas was?

“She must have a big heart,” Fenia mused. “If she cooks the Doctor Christmas dinner. It’s important, that dinner, right?”

“Very important. Probably the most important all year.”

“And she made it for him although he stole you away from her.”

I stopped to sit on the low wall separating the promenade from the beach. I’d never looked at it that way. She trusted him with me, and she trusted me to take care of him. Although she hadn’t seen him in his darker moments, I was sure she had a pretty good idea of what he was like then. And still she trusted us.

“She’s a very strong woman.”

“She has to be if she brought you up all by herself,” Fenia said, sitting down next to me.

“Oi!”

“Yoru and I had an older sister, Alda, and she brought us up after our parents died in a fire. Anyone who brings up a child on their own has to be very strong. And I know Yoru and I weren’t always easy to deal with.”

“I’m sorry,” I said, covering her hand with mine. I almost didn’t ask her about Alda, why she had referred to her in the past tense, but in the end I did.

Fenia looked out over the sea. “She caught the winter fever two years ago.”

I had heard of that illness. Most people died from it after several days of recurring high fever. It only raged in winter, and the Ruulim didn’t know what caused it or how it was transmitted, so they treated the patients in isolation and were even more meticulous about their hygiene than usual. This method had proven successful often enough.

“It’s not long until Christmas,” I said. “I want you and Yoru to come over for dinner and celebrate it with us.”

-:-

It was market day in Barracan, and Fenia and I decided we had plenty of time to spare before we had to be back on the beach. The market, rather like the one in Camden where you could get anything you wanted, was a monthly occurrence that just happened to coincide with the eclipse. As a result, it had an extra air of celebration. The awnings of the stalls were so close together that they sometimes were like a multi-coloured roof, but despite the shade they afforded it was hot because the heat built up beneath them.

For a while I could ignore the heat and odour, and I enjoyed browsing the stalls. Fenia and I lingered for some time at a used-books seller’s who had set up shop in the natural shade of a huge, ancient tree. I was a bit reluctant at first, because although my grasp of Ruulim had improved very quickly, I still felt a bit unsure about reading books in it. It took me longer to read because of the strange alphabet. I had to do it at the Observatory, of course, but the Doctor and I had established a routine that spared me most of that work – reading was all right, but reading specialist literature was difficult even in English.

I’d never been much of a reader until I started travelling with the Doctor. It was then that I came to appreciate how much familiar stories were a source of security and how they offered a connection to home, even as we zoomed through space and time in a mad rush. Soon I had started to discover more books in the vast TARDIS library, but I’d always read the English translations the ship provided.

In her weakened state she was unable to do so for me, and I was torn between the need for something new to read and my need for comfort. As much as I wanted to improve my Ruulim further, reading was something I’d rather do in English.

I sighed.

I trailed my fingers over the spines of the books, admiring the design and scanning the titles, but I didn’t pull anything out to look at it.

“You look a bit unhappy, accalein,” the stall holder said. He was an elderly man, with a tan, leathery face, a gentle smile and a twinkle in his eyes. “I have never seen anyone such as you.”

I blushed. I should have got used to reactions like this by now, but people usually told me how unusual my looks were when I’d started not to feel so out of place anymore.

“I am from far away,” I said. “Many people there look like me.”

“Are they all as strong as you? And as lost?” he asked, lowering his voice to an almost whisper, making it hard to understand him over the noise of the market.

I stared at him.

“Well, lets see what we can find for you, accalein,” he said, winking, as if he’d never whispered the words.

“I wasn’t really looking,” I said. “I’m here with my friend.”

The man looked briefly at Fenia, who was bowed over the books, examining them closely and piling them next to her. “Oh, she’s fine.”

He took my hand, brushing his thumb over the back of my hand, smiling, then pulled me to the other side of the stall where he kept the really rare books. I hadn’t dared go near them – Mum had always admonished me, when I was little, – not to touch anything with my grubby little hands. “Here,” he said, reaching unerringly for a book. He let go of my hand and lovingly dusted off the slim volume. “This is perfect for you, accalein.”

I took the book gingerly, opening it by accident to a most beautiful illustration showing two lovers. I quickly turned to another page, but there were only beautifully done vignettes. I scanned some of the text, but found I did not understand much. But I knew that this was poetry.

“It’s beautiful,” I said, returning the book to him. “But I’m afraid I do not understand much of it.”

The man hid his hands in his sleeves. “I’ve had this book for ages. It needs a new owner, accalein.” Then he turned on his heel and went towards Fenia, ignoring me.

I didn’t have the heart to just leave the book. It was beautiful, and poetry had always intrigued me – it was the magic among stories – even though my English teachers had managed to kill the poems with their explanations. That was one reason why I had never paid much attention in class; I loved poetry, but I never cared for talking them to death.

I found some coins in my purse and left them for the man.

At another stall, while Fenia was still haggling over the price of the books with the old man, I found a ring whose colour reminded me of the TARDIS coral. The material was hard and shiny like stone, but something about the different shades of gold, the swirls in it, made it look alive. I picked it up and it fit my middle finger. The stall holder was as indifferent as the old man had been attentive, and she accepted my money without even so much as giving me a second glance. I slipped the ring onto my finger, admiring it in the sunlight, turning the shiny material this way and that. It might be cheap, but it was certainly beautiful.

Once Fenia was done, we decided that the heat of the market was not for us, not after the relative cool of the bookseller’s, and we returned to the beach with lunch for Yoru and the Doctor. I was very grateful for the chance to breathe deeply because I had some mild cramps, and they were more bearable when I was otherwise comfortable.

We reached our beach huts just in time for the solar eclipse to begin. The moon was a dark sphere pushing itself between Ruul and its sun. Already, the light was changing, and a hush settled on the beach and the well-populated promenade, as people stopped or came outside to watch. There was an almost tangible crackle in the air, and I felt a pleasant shiver run down my spine.

The Doctor was a mess. He was all over the place, fiddling with dials here, adjusting something there, always on the move, running his hands through his excited hair.

I covered my mouth with my hand to smother a cheer; it changed into a laugh I couldn’t hold back. I hadn’t seen the Doctor so joyous since we’d arrived here. It was so good to see him do something with the total abandon and enthusiasm that was so uniquely him. At this moment, he was himself, and my heart constricted.

“Who is that man?” Fenia whispered, drawing me close to her with her hand she’d slipped into mine.

“I don’t know!” I laughed. I looked at her. “He’s the man I fell in love with.”

She nodded. “And I can see why.” She squeezed my hand, then let go of me and stepped towards the instruments. Yoru and the Doctor were working side by side as if they’d never done anything else, their movements in sync with each other.

The light faded. The darkness that settled over the beach and sea was not that of dusk, though. The light had an entirely different quality, and everything was tinted a warm blue. It was absolutely silent. The people had stopped talking, watching the spectacle in awe, and the birds had settled somewhere safe, silent, to wait and see what would happen.

I stepped out of the shade of the beach hut’s awning, my cramps forgotten, shading my eyes with my hand, despite the sunglasses. The Doctor had sonicked our and Yoru’s and Fenia’s earlier, to protect our eyes from harm.

“Wow, this is beautiful,” I breathed.

I jumped a little in surprise as the Doctor put his arms around me from behind, drawing me back against him. I turned in his arms as far as I could, looking at him questioningly, completely oblivious to the fact that he couldn’t see my eyes

“Hush, Rose,” he whispered. “Just watch.”

He rested his chin against my temple, and I could feel his hearts beat powerfully against my back. He wasn’t quite calm, but the rhythms weren’t fast enough for him to be really excited. Just like the light, his hearts-beat were something in between.

Maybe he was calming down. I relaxed in his arms, hoping that my own calm would rub off on him.

The moon slowly moved in front of the sun, darkening the world and yet not. I covered the Doctor’s arms with mine, hardly daring to breathe, afraid of missing a single moment of this wonder.

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” he murmured.

I nodded, chancing a glance at the instruments. Fenia had taken over from the Doctor so he could be with me. I shivered.

The moon had moved in front of the sun. All we could see was the corona, a thin, fuzzy ring of light surrounding the moon, and for a short while the sun looked like in a child’s drawing, with rays radiating off it.

“I love you, Rose.”

I blinked, looking away from the sky in surprise, not knowing if I could trust my ears. Despite the serene silence on the beach, the Doctor’s words had been barely audible. Had I only imagined them, because this was such a perfect, magical moment.

I squeezed his arms, turning my head. “What did you say?”

He kissed my forehead. “Hush. Just watch,” he said, holding me a bit tighter.

The moon was moving out of the direct line between the sun and the planet, turning the sun into a waxing crescent. The light shifted rather quickly, and the silence gave way to a low but excited murmur. It swelled to applause and cheering as the moon moved back into the shadows.

Then it was over.

“What did you say?” I said, turning as the Doctor loosened his grip around me.

“I should have told you long ago,” he whispered, bending to kiss me. “I love you, Rose Tyler.”

-:-

We didn’t make love that night either. We had thrown wide the doors of our room at The Bowers, protected from curious glances by a thicket of fragrant plants arranged in pots on the spacious balcony. The promenade below was relatively quiet, but there was a celebration of some sort going on in the park, and the light breeze carried the occasional scrap of music and laughter into our dimly lit room.

“Thank you,” I said, tracing an imaginary pattern on the Doctor’s chest with my fingers.

He sounded sleepy when he answered. “What for?”

“For being with me. During the solar eclipse.”

We lay in silence for a while, caressing and holding each other, listening to the soft sounds of the waves breaking on the beach, and the Ruulim crickets.

“You’re tense,” the Doctor said after a while.

“It’s... nothing. Just a few cramps.” I turned, pushing my leg between his, snaking my hand between us to cup his not-quite erection. It had been like this for a while. He sucked in the air as I touched him.

“Don’t make me come,” he whispered, showering kisses on my face.

I nodded, setting a lazy rhythm that hopefully was enjoyable without becoming torturous. His eyes closed and he lay back, his face open and relaxed, showing me all the nuances of his pleasure that I had only ever glimpsed before. I kissed him, delighting in the soft noises he made until he stilled my hand. I pulled free from beneath him and rested my hand on his hip. He looked at me. He wanted to tell me something, but he couldn’t find the right words. He clamped his mouth shut in frustration and rolled onto his back.

“I recognise that song,” I said, just as the silence was starting to become awkward. The breeze had picked up a bit and carried the tune to us almost uninterrupted. “We heard it back home... at Liannufar Gardens.”

“Yeah.”

“That was a lovely night,” I mused.

He looked at me, and I held my breath when I saw the expression in his eyes. There was a glint in them, in addition to the depth of his love, that shook me. He tried to tell me with his eyes where words had failed him, but my heart was thumping so hard I found it suddenly hard to breathe.

“I should...” he began, closing his mouth in frustration as he trailed off instead of carrying on.

“It’s okay, Doctor,” I said, stroking his cheek. “You look exhausted. Why don’t you go to sleep?” I opened my arms for him, and he snuggled up to me. For once, he fell asleep in my arms.

It took me a while to go to sleep, and when I woke the sun hadn’t risen yet, and the Doctor lay curled around me.


	15. Fifteen: Five Senses

Fifteen  
Five Senses

We spent the day after the solar eclipse at the Emperor’s Academy and its Observatory, comparing data on the drought from three very different regions on the Southern Hemisphere – Lufana, Barracan, and Sammu, where Fenia had lived for a while. The scientists were very eager, just like we were, but our enthusiasm waned when it became clear shortly after the end of kitallun that there was no answer to be had, except that we were going through a freak phenomenon. While the Ruulim seemed to be able to accept that answer, I could sense the Doctor’s frustration.

He was very quiet on our way back to The Bowers, his hand clasping mine so painfully at one point that I cried out softly. He let go of me immediately, and didn’t believe me when I told him it was okay. So I slipped my hand back into his.

“I’m sorry you’re not getting the answers you need,” I said as I preceded him into our hotel room.

He merely nodded.

I reached out for him, but he raised his hand to stop me. “Don’t, please.” His voice was almost inaudible. His rejection hurt, but I didn’t protest. I picked up the book I had bought the day before and went to sit outside. There was plenty of time left until we were to meet Yoru and Fenia for a stroll in the park. The festival Yoru had told us about was opening that night with fireworks, which was a rare event on Ruul; I loved fireworks, and there were particularly beautiful of the Thames. I couldn’t wait to see this fireworks. It must be even more beautiful over the ocean.

I curled up on the day bed with my new book and a bottle of water, but I soon gave up on trying to read. The script was slightly different from the Ruulim script I had learned, and the words I could decode didn’t make much sense. I flicked through the book, looking at the illustrations. They were beautifully done, but they couldn’t hold my attention for long. The Doctor’s sad silence was haunting me, and eventually I closed the book and put it down next to me. We had worked through kitallun, and I was beginning to feel the effects. I lay down, wondering how I could draw the Doctor out of his funk, but all I was able to come up with was to leave him be.

When I woke the Doctor had snuggled up to my back, his left arm thrown over my midriff, holding on to me as if to keep me safe. His breath was coming in cool little puffs against the back of my neck, and a pleasant shiver ran down my spine.

Which was when inspiration struck.

The Doctor’s breath was so regular, and his hearts beat so calmly that I knew he was asleep, or at least dozing. I didn’t move, spent my energy on my idea instead, figuring out how I would go about putting it into effect.

The Doctor heaved a sigh in his sleep, and I took that opportunity to roll onto my back. His eyes fluttered open; my hair must have tickled him. His hand came to rest on the side of my torso.

“Hey,” I said, my voice hoarse with sleep. I was still a bit drowsy, but I knew I’d be fully awake in a couple of minutes, feeling refreshed.

“Do we have to go to the festival?” the Doctor mumbled.

I turned to lie on my side, and his hand moved to my shoulder as I cupped his cheek. It was getting stubbly. “No.”

He smiled fleetingly. “I’d love to stay here with you, like this.”

I smiled, brushing my thumb over his cheek. I was still excited about my idea, anxious to try it out, but I also sensed his need for security. I forced myself to calm down.

“’s wonderful,” I said, leaning in for a kiss.

He hummed in agreement, but his kiss was nothing more than a touch of lips on lips. I tried to hide my disappointment behind a smile.

“You’d like to go,” he said, sighing.

“We can always watch the fireworks from here,” I said.

“But there’s something else.”

I nodded. “I’d like to try something. If you let me.”

“Rose, I... please don’t be mad at me,” he said, kissing the tip of my nose, “but I’d rather we just lay here like this. No experiments. Not tonight.”

No disappointments, I thought. I nodded, still stroking his cheek.

He mouthed his thanks, then closed his eyes, hopefully to enjoy my caress. He moved his hand down a bit to pull me closer, shifting his legs to accommodate me better. I had no idea how long we lay like this until a knock on the door made me jump.

“That must be Yoru, wondering where we are,” I said.

“I’m not going,” the Doctor said.

“Neither am I,” I said, “but I’ll have to get up to tell him.”

The Doctor nodded and shifted to let me go.

Yoru was disappointed, of course, because he had so wanted to show us around, but he also knew that the Doctor was very upset about the lack of progress. I wanted to tell him that it was more than that, but held my tongue. Instead, I asked him to have a light supper sent up. He nodded, then leaned in to kiss my cheek. “You’ll make him better, Rose, won’t you?” he asked. “He’s my friend. I hate seeing him like this.”

“I’ll let him know,” I said.

“Will you, though, Rose? Make him feel better?”

His concern was so touching I was a bit speechless at first. “I will.” If he lets me, I added silently.

Yoru kissed my other cheek. “Thank you.”

I hadn’t noticed the sun was setting before I went to answer the door, so when I stepped outside I was surprised at how dim it was. The Doctor was not there. I went back inside and to the bedroom. Our hotel room was l-shaped, with the bedroom and en suite around the corner from the front door and doors to the rooftop garden.

“Doctor?”

Water began to rush in the bathroom. He was taking a shower, which was always a good sign because it meant he was shaking off his lethargy. I went to the bathroom and leaned against the doorframe. There was no shower curtain, only a low wall that separated the bathroom from the shower. He had bent over, supporting himself on the low wall with his hands, head lowered. The water was splashing onto his shoulders and cascading down his body.

His shoulders were shaking ever so lightly.

I was beside him in an instant, stepping under the spray, taking him in my arms. He moved to wrap his arms around me, burying his face in the crook of my neck. I started to rub his back in soothing circles.

With a sigh that made his whole body shiver, he eventually let go of me.

“I’m sorry,” he said, brushing the wet hair out my face.

“Anything to make you feel better,” I whispered, returning his gesture.

He smiled, but his shift in mood wasn’t as mercurial as I had expected it to be.

“Now that we’re here, I might as well have a shower. Can you help me with my hair?” I asked.

Desire flashed up in his eyes. I rested my hand against his chest, between his hearts. “Doctor, there was something I wanted to give you. But not here. If that’s okay.” I had been afraid of asking him this, now that he was so upset. Neither did I want him to give in just to humour me, or to thank me. “I can give it to you some other time, though. I need you to be... to trust me.”

The Doctor took a deep breath.

“I don’t want you to agree just to humour me.”

He stepped towards me and put his fingers on my lips. “I trust you, Rose. Always.” He pulled the elastic from my hair and spread the wet strands over my shoulders. “Let me help you first. Then I’m all yours. Because I can’t think of anything I’d rather do.” I raised my arms above my head so he could pull my camisole up and over my head.

-:-

Room service had left supper on the table on the rooftop garden while we were in the bathroom. Still only wrapped in a towel, I examined the contents of the tray, lifting the lids that covered the bowls and dishes. I wasn’t particularly hungry, but the food looked very appealing.

“Supper! Brilliant!” the Doctor enthused, stepping outside with just a towel wrapped around his narrow hips. I moved quickly between him and the table, blocking the food from him. He stopped just before he bumped into me. “Rose, what’s wrong?”

“Are you st... You said no experiments, earlier.”

He cupped my shoulders with his hands. “I might have changed my mind. I’d still very much like to have your... gift. I’d love to.” He tipped my chin up with his right hand and leaned in for a light kiss.

I smiled when we separated, taking his hand to lead him back inside. I had him lie down on his back on a spare blanket I had spread on the soft rug in front of the fireplace.

“I’d like you to relax, Doctor,” I said softly, kneeling beside him. “Close your eyes.”

He gave me an intense look, then closed his eyes.

“Time Lords have superior senses, don’t they?” I asked. When he reached out for me blindly, I took his hand.

“Yes, they–“

“Hush, Doctor.”

He closed his mouth. His eyes flickered open.

“No cheatin’!”

“Sorry.” He closed his eyes.

“Now. Can you shut out all your other senses, except hearing?”

Again, he nodded.

“Good,” I whispered. I moved away from him a bit so he couldn’t sense me. “Relax, Doctor. I’m still here. I want you to listen to the beating of your hearts. To the rushing of the air in your lungs. Or whatever it is you breathe with.”

A brief grin flashed over his face, but he sobered when I shushed him. It took him a while, but eventually his expression became unguarded and open as he relaxed. His hands were resting on his hipbones.

I climbed to my feet and took a match from the box on the mantel. The match hissed as I struck it, and the wick crackled a bit when I lit the candles on the mantel. I blew out the match and struck a new one to light the other candles in the room.

The Doctor was lying on the bed I had made for him on the ground. He was very still as the tension literally melted off him. I moved around him, knelt on the bed and lit the gaslight above it, but turning the light down low enough that it didn’t eclipse the candlelight.

I padded to where he lay, the heavy fabric of the towel I was wearing rustling as I settled down beside him. It was all I could do not to touch him. “I’m here now. Are you comfortable?”

He hummed in reply, too relaxed to even smile in acknowledgement.

“Good.”

I cupped his ears with my hands.

“What can you hear?”

It took him a while to reply. “The rushing of the blood in my ears.”

“That’s the scientist. What about the traveller?”

“The sea.”

I smiled.

“’s lovely, isn’t it? I love that sound. I’ll forever think of today on the beach when I hear that sound.”

He sighed. “Rose...”

I shushed him. I whispered for him to sit up, and once I had moved behind him and and removing my towel I slid around behind him and drew him back against me so that the side of hs face rested against my breast. I had to shift him a bit so his arms came around me.

“You’re naked.”

I chuckled. “So I am.”

“I can hear your heartbeat,” he mumbled. “You’re excited.”

“Yeah.” I just held him. It was so hard not to start drawing lazy patterns on his skin. He held on to me loosely, which made staying still a bit easier.

“You humans are so amazing. All that life, all that spirit and just one heart.”

He grew silent after that, returning to the place he’d been in when I settled down beside him. Slowly, the room filled with the scent of the candles, a much richer smell than what I was used to, but not overpowering. It was just more intense, and I loved it. “Can you smell the candles?”

He nodded, sighing.

I moved away from him, helping him lie down. “I want you to hear and smell things now.”

I fetched the tray of food, and removed the covers from the dishes and bowls. The china tinkled softly as I did so, and the silverware added its own cheerfulness as I moved it around. I scooped up some of Ruulim ketchup with my finger and held it under his nose.

“Here comes,” I said.

“Ruulim ketchup. You love that stuff. With warm bread.”

I smiled, tearing off a bit of the still warm bread. The crunch of the crust filled the room, followed by its scent.

“I’m starting to get hungry,” the Doctor mumbled.

“Then taste,” I said, nudging his lips with the bread. He gingerly took the piece of bread and ate it. I tore off a chunk for myself.

“Try some of this.” I rolled a masu along his lips. The skin was shiny and smooth, taut over the moist flesh inside.

“Masu,” he said, and opened his mouth to receive it.

Next I picked up a fruit called sarum. There really was nothing to compare it to. The skin was tough, inedible, and so were the kernels inside. You really had to suck on it if you wanted its juice. I dug my fingers into the fruit, and forced the juice to dribble onto the Doctor’s lips and chin.

He hummed in appreciation.

“Feel,” I whispered as I brushed the juice off his chin. Then I bent to lick and kiss the bits that had dribbled down his cheeks. Then I touched his lips with the furry skin of another piece of fruit, teased his lips with a bit of trimullo, poured honey over his fingers, cleaned his fingers, lapped more fruit juice off his chest and fed him all sorts of food.

All the time he lay still, giving himself over completely to me and the game I was playing with him. After a while, he began to describe the texture and scent and taste and sound, but he never once asked to see or touch the food. He was enjoying what he could have.

Until finally I rested my fingers against his lips, covered in the last bit of honey. I dipped my fingers into his mouth, closed my eyes as his tongue worked around them.

“Rose. Now there’s only Rose left,” he murmured.

“Yeah.” I bent to kiss him, and he enjoyed our kiss in silence, but he remained still.

Only when I stretched out by his side, resting my head on his chest, did he wrap his arms around me.

“May I look at you?”

“Yeah.”

I turned my head to look at him. I had never seen such gentleness in his eyes, such calm and peace. I shivered, and I was glad he spoke, because I did not know what to say.

“Thank you, Rose. That was a wonderful gift.”

I smiled.

“Semrath ngudia tu ki faro?” he asked.

I recognised that question, but I’d dismissed it as just another language lesson. Something inside me froze when it occurred to me that the question might have been a genuine one, an important one.

The Doctor brushed a lock back from my forehead. My hair tended to curl much more than I was used to. It was probably a combination of the Ruulim air and water.

“You’ve asked me that before.”

He nodded.

“What’s it mean?”

He locked his eyes with mine, and again I was awed by the intensity in them. “Do you know how much I love you?”

He had told me before, in Gallifreyan, and I had brushed him away. I blushed, looking away.

“I’m sorry,” I mumbled.

“Don’t. It’s okay. I should have asked you in English, instead of hiding behind Gallifreyan. How were you to know?” he said, raising his hand to caress my temple. “I love you, Rose. So much I’m afraid I’ll never be able to show you. What you’ve just done for me, it’s...”

“It’s because I love you,” I replied. I shifted so I could kiss him. “But if it helps... why don’t you show me?”

He grinned. “I’d like that.”

When we made love, it was playful yet intense. When I came, it was the most intense orgasm I had ever had, which was equal parts due to the fact that I’d been waiting for this so long, and the Doctor’s skilled movements. He touched my temple when he came, and I felt his orgasm just as I was riding out the waves of my own. I’d never thought it possible, but we cried out together as we shared our pleasure. I’d never been comfortable with telepathy before, but it was pure bliss when the intensity of our feelings redoubled as he touched my temples.

I only realised we’d not used a condom when he slipped out of me long after he’d softened and his weight became uncomfortable. But I didn’t say anything.


	16. Sixteen: Jealousy

Sixteen  
Jealousy

Two weeks after our trip to Barracan the Doctor and I had a fight that drove us apart for one night. I spent that night at Yoru and Fenia’s. They were both shocked to find me outside the door of Pagao, their home, after dark. I remember my knuckles being pale in the light above the door as I gripped the handlebars of my bike. I was still out of breath, and it was not because of the wild ride.

Yoru opened the door, welcoming me and taking the bike to put it into the cycle stand in Pagao’s vast hall. I jumped a little as he touched my arm.

“Come in, Rose,” he said, concern lacing his voice, but thankfully he didn’t ask me what had happened until he had me settled at their kitchen table with a drink. It was something I had never tasted before. Strong and syrupy, it left pleasant fiery warmth in its wake as it ran down my throat.

“Yoru, what is it?” Fenia asked, joining us in the kitchen. She rushed over, enfolding me in her arms, and I let her.

“I have no idea,” he said. “I’ll... I’ll just leave you to it.”

“You don’t have to go,” I said, letting go of Fenia. I smiled at her, grateful for her unconditional support.

“It’s not Setiu, is it?” he asked. There were still problems with the Director. Ever since we got back from Barracan she had been giving Fenia and me a rough time, and this time even Yoru suffered. That particular day Setiu had accused me of wilfully ignoring her instructions regarding student registration. Now that it was autumn, classes were to resume the next week, and they had to enrol in the classes at the faculty’s office. As the Doctor’s assistant, I was in charge of his students.

“No.” I had brushed off Setiu’s taunts for what they were; it hadn’t been easy, infuriating as the woman was. While I was waiting for the Doctor to come home I had told the TARDIS of the day’s events and then taken some of my anger out on the dough I was kneading for dinner that night. “No. I had a fight with the Doctor.”

Fenia touched my arm, and Yoru looked from me, to her, and back to me somewhat helplessly. I knew he had gotten over me, he had told me on our last day in Barracan, when we’d finally made it to the festival, but still it seemed things were a bit awkward between us.

“What about?” Fenia asked.

I sighed. I’d come here in blind fury, not knowing where else to go, not wanting to be alone. For a while I debated what I could tell them. “I bought a ring at the market in Barracan,” I said, stopping to play with it and pulling it off my finger. I had snatched it from the Doctor before I’d left. “It’s nothing. It’s just a cheap ring. But I loved its colour. It reminds me of home.”

“It’s made of acca,” Yoru said. He looked at me, asking for my permission to pick it up.

“What’s that? It’s not something illegal?”

Fenia laughed. “No. No, it’s perfectly all right to have it. It grows on the reefs outside Barracan.”

“It’s a kind of coral then?” I asked.

“If that’s what you call it, then I guess so,” Yoru said. He returned the ring to me. Instead of slipping it on I rolled it thoughtfully between my fingers.

“Why did you fight about it with the Doctor? It’s just a cheap trinket.” I looked at Fenia in disbelief, pushing back my chair and standing.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to... Rose, please. I’m sorry,” Fenia said, reaching out towards me, trying to comfort me.

“It’s not just a cheap trinket,” I whispered. “Not to the Doctor, at least.”

“Does it hold a special meaning for him?” Yoru asked.

I looked at him. “I think it reminds him of his home.” It was exactly why I had bought the ring; its colour reminded me of the TARDIS.

“Sho?” Fenia asked, puzzled.

“No, the home he’s about to lose,” I said, sitting down, putting the ring on the polished, uneven tabletop before me.

“I don’t understand,” Yoru offered.

“Neither do I,” I said. “Can I stay here tonight?” I didn’t want to go back to Sho and the Oncoming Storm. The Doctor had been so beside himself that he scared me. He hadn’t been loud, hadn’t thrown things or yelled at me. He hadn’t touched me. It was his quiet fury that I knew all too well, and it had always scared me, but now that he had directed the Oncoming Storm at me, I was terrified. I couldn’t go back, not until he’d had some time to calm down. I’d told him where I was going, but I’d also told him to leave me be as I’d yanked the bike out of the stand in Sho’s hall.

Yoru was about to say something, but Fenia stopped him by saying, yes, of course I could.

They put me up in their spare room. It was a room full of books with a narrow bed, and I slipped under the crisp sheet Fenia had given me before we turned in for the night. I was exhausted from the long day at the Observatory and Setiu’s harassment, but I couldn’t go to sleep. Instead, I kept replaying the scene that had taken place in our kitchen.

I had taken off the ring when I started to make the bread, and set it next to the soap dish by the sink. I had left it there and forgotten about it until the Doctor hurried to the loggia, his hands dripping wet with dishwater and suds, the ring between his fingers. The Oncoming Storm was in his eyes already, and he was pale with fury.

“What is this?”

“It’s my ring,” I said, wary. “I took it off to cook. I must have left it by the sink. Thanks.” I reached for it, but the Doctor closed his fist around it.

“Why didn’t you tell me about the ring?” His voice was shaking with barely contained rage.

I bristled, as I always would when challenged. I had learned that on the estate; it was survival rule number three. “I wasn’t aware I had to tell you about it. You’ve never been interested in the kind of jewellery I wear.” I stretched my hand out for it, demanding it back with my open palm.

“Do you realise what this is?” he said, dangerously softly.

I squared my jaw, challenging him.

“Well here, have it. Maybe you’ll work it out yourself.” He dropped the ring onto my hand, his eyes even darker. The dimple stood out on his cheek.

My instincts told me to run, although I knew that the Doctor would never lay a hand on me. What drove me away from him was the sting of his words, the contempt with which he had spat them at me. The anger boiling up inside me mixed with hurt.

“You won’t mind if I don’t do it here, I’m sure. Silly little human, me,” I had retorted, standing and brushing past him to where the bike was, mumbling where I was going.

I lay staring at the ceiling, twisting and rubbing the ring on my finger, wondering why this ring was so important to the Doctor, other than that it reminded him of home. I had worn it quite often since our return from Barracan, but he had never paid it any attention.

Sighing, I put it next to my watch and other personal things on the footstool Yoru had given me as a makeshift bedside table, and reached to turn out the gas lamp. I didn’t allow my eyes to adjust to the ambient light in the dark room, and although I kept them firmly shut, sleep didn’t come for a long time.

-:-

I was glad for the maklak Fenia put on my footstool as she came in to wake me the next morning. My night had been restless and filled with the oddest dreams; I felt a bit hungover, although I’d only had one glass of whatever it was Yoru had set before me to help me calm down. I couldn’t remember what exactly I’d dreamed of, but the ring had turned up again and again, and, nursing my maklak, I realised that all the images had been tinted its colour, the strange golden-orange mixture of the TARDIS coral.

Coral.

The mug slipped through my fingers, but I managed to catch it before it fell, burning my fingers as I did so. I put the mug down gingerly next to my watch and picked up the ring. It was made of acca, the Ruulim version of coral. The TARDIS’s coral was burning up from the inside, crumbling away like burnt toast when you touched it. The TARDIS coral also looked exactly like acca.

The ring had something to do with the cure for the TARDIS, of that I was sure.

The Doctor hadn’t been upset about me wanting to keep a memento of his beloved ship. I’ve always enjoyed collecting little souvenirs of the places we visited – my room on the TARDIS and in Sho were decorated with stones, shells, and feathers I’d picked up. At the start he’d smiled and indulged my habit willingly, and after a while he had started to help me on my treasure hunts. There were quite a few mementos he had picked up.

I should have told the Doctor and I realized now why he’d been so upset.

I pushed the ring onto my finger, staring at it. This was typical. The Doctor would see a connection, a tiny clue, and latch onto it, his mind working so incredibly fast that I had no chance of keeping up with him. Although he knew that I wasn’t being deliberately obtuse in such moments, I couldn’t help noticing his frustration when it took me time to catch up with him.

This time, it had taken a whole night for me to work a possible, a likely, connection out.

But what was worse: we had fought about it.

I finished my maklak and used the bathroom once Fenia and Yoru were finished.

When I entered the kitchen, the Doctor was sitting at the table, his back to me. He hadn’t slept that night, although I knew he was pushing his cycle and was due to sleep soon. I could see it in the tension in his shoulders, and his rumpled shirt. He must have spent his time working on the TARDIS instead, trying to find a solution once the acca ring had inspired him. His hair was a nightmare. I’d have to cut it for him later; if he let me.

Sensing my presence, he turned around before Fenia or Yoru, busy preparing breakfast and reading the paper, had noticed me. He pushed his chair back, the legs scraping over the tiled floor, and stood. “Rose.”

He looked exhausted, but a small smile lit up his face when he saw me. I closed the distance between us, taking his hand before drawing him into an embrace. He held on to me for a while, whispering how sorry he was.

Yoru set a mug of maklak down before the Doctor, and passed me a slice of bread covered with my favourite sweet spread once we were seated around the small kitchen table. He sat down in his chair and picked up the part of the paper he knew Fenia wasn’t going to read.

We didn’t talk about the coral for the rest of the day. I was very keen to discuss my idea with the Doctor, but the day had started badly and had gone downhill from there. There was no kitallun for us because of some new project Setiu had taken on – and had promptly put the Doctor in charge of it. Naturally, it had a short deadline. On top of that, she again accused me for failing to file a report about our trip to Barracan. We both knew, of course, that I had turned it in. Fortunately, the Doctor had made a copy of it with the help of a scan-print setting on the sconic screwdriver. But I was extremely angry about her accusation.

“Just give her the blasted thing,” the Doctor sighed, pushing his hands through his hair. The pallor of his skin made his freckles stand out, and there were dark rings round his eyes. He was pouring over his initial notes for the new project already. It was a boring topic that had nothing whatsoever to do with what he was currently working on. More infuriating still was that he knew the whole project would be scrapped anyway, so he was wasting valuable time. He muttered something about having to prepare classes too.

“I did give it to her. On time,” I said, snatching the report from his desk.

“I know!” he barked.

I jumped a little. He slumped then, propping his head up, trying to focus on the words in front of him, which seemed to be dancing before his eyes. This was Setiu’s work; for some reason she wanted to make our workday a misery. I couldn’t understand why she was doing this. Before we had left for Barracan, she had courted the Doctor, and now this. That she didn’t like me I knew. That she was bullying me I also knew. But why take her hatred of me out on the Doctor?

I went to her office, insisting to her assistant that I had to give the report directly to her. He weighed Setiu’s reaction to being disturbed against the report sitting un-delivered and decided that it would be better to let me in.

“Next time make sure to hand it in by the set due date,” she said sweetly as I gave it to her.

I nodded, trying not to think about the fact that I had it sent to her office about two days after our return to Lufana.

“Oh, and Rose,” she added when I was almost out of the office, “you’re no longer just working for the Doctor. The library is understaffed, and you’ll help out there.”

My stomach sank, and I felt the colour drain from my face. “What about the Doctor’s office hours?”

“That only takes one or two hours a day. You’ll spend the rest of the day in the library,” she said, never looking at me. “It’s nice and cool down there.”

And dusty and dark, I thought. I’d undoubtedly be working in the stock-room, picking books off shelves, carting them around, and re-shelving them. I set my jaw to keep myself from shaking. “But the Doctor needs me. He came to work provided I–“

“Tell me, Rose,” Setiu said in a dangerously calm voice. Finally, she looked up at me. “Who is paying you? The Doctor, or the Observatory?”

I shifted my weight from one foot to the other, the muscles in my jaw working.

“So don’t tell me who you’re working for, okay?” Then she returned her attention to whatever it was she was doing. “You start tomorrow.”

I was very close to tears when I left her office. There were students, desperate for a job like the one in the library because they needed the money, but it was me she sent to work there. Why?

When I arrived at the Doctor’s office, I literally ran into one of the other directors’ assistants who had come with a message for the Doctor. I accepted it, and the assistant briefly stopped to tell me he’d heard and how sorry he was about my transfer.

“Demotion, more like,” I mumbled, but thanked him anyway. He shrugged, smiling sympathetically.

The Doctor looked up when I stepped into his office. The soft click of the door and the tinkling of glass against glass as I removed two bottles of water from the pot-in-pot fridge had roused him from his thoughts. He accepted the bottle with a grateful but weak smile as I held it and the note out for him.

“It’s time to go home, I think,” I offered.

He quickly perused the note, then reread it, frowning. Slipping off his glasses and pinching his nose he returned the note to me. “Read it to me,” he groaned, now pressing the heels of his palms against his eyes.

“You’ve been taken off the new project,” I summarised, bemused. Then I realised. “Setiu wants you to herself.”

“What?” The Doctor looked up, his eyes bloodshot.

“She transferred me. To the stock-room,” I said. “It’s jealousy. She has a crush on you.”

His eyes went dark with fury, and if there was one thing worse than the Oncoming Storm, it was the Doctor when he was exhausted and furious. “She can’t do that,” he said in a dangerously low voice.

“Let’s go home, Doctor,” I said calmly. Discussing this now wouldn’t lead anywhere; I’d had enough excitement for one day. I was sick and tired of it all, and found I didn’t care. “Please, let’s just get out of here.”

He bristled for a moment more, his dimple appeared and disappeared, and then he nodded. “Yeah, let’s go home.”

He fell asleep without having dinner. I found him curled up on his bed in his pants. With a sigh, I left a bottle of water for him on the chair doubling for a bedside table, and settled down on the day bed with the plate of sandwiches. I tried to read while I ate, but I found it hard to concentrate on the words on the page. It wasn’t because of Setiu. I had decided to do what she said without putting up too much of a fight. I wasn’t going to give her the satisfaction of humiliating me or begging her for permission to stay with the Doctor.

I was preoccupied with the coral. The more I thought about it, the more I was convinced that the ring would play a very important role in saving the TARDIS. Was it possible, maybe, that acca could be some kind of transplant? I didn’t know much about medicine. I did know that burn victims were given skin transplants. Was that what was happening to the TARDIS? Did she need acca to replace her own burnt coral skin or skeleton or whatever it was she had?

I closed my book and dropped the rest of the sandwich onto the plate and hurried to the tower house. The door of the TARDIS was unlocked, and I quickly fumbled with the lantern before I stepped into the dark cave of the console room. The acrid, burnt smell washed over me and I gasped. It had become almost unbearable. Having put down the lantern, I held up my right hand for her to sense the ring on my finger.

“Is this what you need?” I asked her out loud, my voice trembling.

Nothing happened.

I lowered my arm because I felt a rumble building up below my feet that quickly changed into a thrum that reverberated through my whole body and even carried a few notes of the ship’s song. Again, my mind went coral, and I felt the TARDIS’ muted joy. I chuckled, then laughed, then cried out loud.

When it was over, I slumped, staggering, trying to catch my breath. This ring was the cure. It explained the Doctor’s emotional reaction. He had sensed what it was, had known as soon as he’d touched it.

I turned around, and when I picked up the lantern I noticed the Doctor standing just inside the TARDIS. I launched myself at him. “Doctor, I–“

I stopped abruptly when I saw the shadow on his face; it was noticeable even in the dim light of the lantern, and it was not his exhaustion. It was still there; the TARDIS’ reaction must have woken him, maybe even called out for him. “Doctor?”

“Why doesn’t she talk to me? Why didn’t she react that way when I showed her the ring?” he wondered, his voice awed as well as disappointed. And tired, so very tired.

I set the lantern on the ground beside us and took his hand in mine. He brushed his fingers over the ring, then weaved his fingers into mine. “I don’t know. I’m sorry.”

A heavy sigh made his whole body shiver. “Well, at least we know it’s acca she needs,” he said softly, preceding me out and into the tower house.

“Yeah.”

“It’s brilliant,” he said, his eyes gleaming and then watering as he yawned.

“It is. But it won’t be of much use if you can’t work out what we have to do,” I said, tugging him towards his bedroom. “Come on, you, let’s get you back to bed.”

As he slumped heavily onto his bed, he asked, “Satu?”

I nodded, pulling my dress up and over my head. “Yes.”

That night, we had a celebratory cuddle in bed instead of a quick hug. It didn’t last long, because the Doctor was still very exhausted. But we had made up, and we had found a way of helping the TARDIS. Which was not a bad ending to a day that had started out so unpleasantly.


	17. Seventeen: Moment of Clarity

Seventeen  
Moment of Clarity

In the end I worked with the Doctor in the mornings, and in the stock-room in the afternoons. Tayar, the librarian, was not happy about my transfer, but since Setiu was in charge of personnel, there was no point arguing. She couldn’t be convinced that one of the Interns would do a better job than me. Tayar, however, didn’t take his frustration out on me; he suggested I force another transfer by making mistakes so he had to find another job for me; while I was tempted, I didn’t want to give Setiu that kind of satisfaction. Tayar understood; her jealousy of me was an open secret.

Fenia was even worse off than I. With no chance for Setiu to transfer her to another department, Fenia bore the brunt of her jealousy and feeling of intellectual inferiority. The Director bullied her whenever she could, including delaying the completion of her thesis. Fenia’s research would prove Setiu’s own work false; Setiu had based her theories on the latest state of research when she’d written hers, but that had been many years ago. She knew that new insights could topple her theories. That alone wouldn’t have been a problem if her theories weren’t flawed to begin with – and Fenia would have to show this. Setiu was a woman who took this personally. And she was ready to do anything to protect her position, no matter how often Fenia had said she didn’t want her job.

The Doctor hated Setiu. While he had been oblivious to her overtures at first – he was the Doctor after all – he’d had to put up with them ever since the night she had forced him to go to the reception with her. Setiu was quite aggressive in her pursuit of the Doctor, which mortified him and embarrassed the rest of the staff at the Observatory.

After we discovered that acca was the key to saving the TARDIS, the Doctor set up shop in the beautifully frescoed room we had abandoned for the cooler loggia. He bought a worktable and bookcases that now held all the books and papers that mentioned the Gallifreyan and Ruulim corals. Another fortnight had passed since then, and I’d gotten used to waking up alone. The Doctor spent every available minute in the study, but so far he was no closer to an answer.

It was the morning of 20 December that I made a decision. Again, he had worked himself hard although he was pushing his cycle. He’d been working himself very hard and was pushing his sleep cycle to the limit. He wasn’t eating properly – his pyjama bottoms riding lower than normal on his narrow hips – and bleary-eyed from exhaustion with his hair, which I’d managed to get him to sit still long enough trim, was standing on end.

“Right,” I said, closing the book he’d been pouring over. He’d been staring at the pages, and his head snapped up to meet my eyes. At first there was only surprise, but his eyes soon narrowed, and I could feel the breeze that heralded the Oncoming Storm.

“This stops right here and now,” I said, letting go of the book. “You’ll make yourself regenerate if you go on like this.”

His eyes flashed, the breeze picking up, but I wasn’t impressed by it.

“We have to do something, Rose,” he said, his voice breaking as he tried to remain calm. “It’s a miracle the TARDIS has survived this long. I don’t know how much time we’ve left.”

“You won’t be of much use to either of us if you kill yourself,” I replied, calmly but urgently. “Take a break. Leave it for a while. I’m sure your subconscious will come up with something while you’re not looking.”

The dimple showed for a brief moment. “I hate going to the Observatory.”

“I know,” I whispered, walking around the desk to put my arms around him. He leaned into me, his head resting against my chest. “It’s almost Christmas. Why don’t we take a couple of days off to celebrate and... enjoy the holiday?”

He hummed, relaxing in my arms. I could tell that he had reached a point where he’d fall asleep and not wake for the next twelve hours or so.

“Eat something decent, and get some rest,” I whispered, rubbing his back and left arm in soothing circles. “Make love.”

“Sounds lovely,” he mumbled. “But the TARDIS...”

I sighed.

He pulled back to look at me. There was no trace of the Oncoming Storm. He was too tired this time. “I wish I could do something, anything, to help.” The Doctor was still reluctant to let me near the TARDIS. His awe over the connection we shared was certainly part of it, but I thought he was afraid of losing me; that the next time the TARDIS couldn’t control herself she’d kill me.

“I know. And I love your for it,” the Doctor said. And then, “Marry me.”

I blinked.

“What?”

“I... marry me. I’d be honoured if you wanted to be my wife. Be with me, forever.”

“Marry me?” The idea was wonderful and absurd. “Why me?”

He let go of me. “You don’t want me.”

“Yes... I... I do want you. But why me?”

“I love you. It’s as simple as that. And we’ve wasted enough time, don’t you think?”

I nodded dumbly.

“Well?”

“Yes. I’ll marry you,” I whispered, beaming.

-:-

That day at the Observatory passed in a blur. The Doctor managed to get a whole week off for both of us, taking advantage of Setiu’s crush on him. There was no need for me being there when the Doctor was out, and since Tayar was in charge of me, I got the week off too. There was nothing Setiu could do about that, and she only learned about my leave after she’d granted the Doctor his.

An awful thought occurred to me then.

“What will happen when Setiu finds out about us?” I asked the Doctor when we were having lunch in the small cloistered restaurant. We hadn’t been there often since that first time. It was a rare treat and a place where we went on special occasions. Like celebrating our engagement.

He shrugged. “She’ll make life a living nightmare,” he said, wrapping his fingers around his mug of maklak. “Would you rather we didn’t... get married?”

“I am afraid of her,” I admitted, choosing my words carefully. “But she’s not keeping me away from you. I love you, Doctor.” I held his gaze as I said this. Relief softened his eyes, and for the first time I noticed how ancient they were.

“I’m not sure I deserve you, Rose,” he whispered, staring at his mug.

“You do, Doctor,” I said, taking his hand and bringing it to my cheek and kissing the palm before I leaned into it. “When do you want to get married?”

“As soon as possible, but...” he began, “but I’d also like to wait a bit. To cherish the idea of us being together. Forever.” He brushed his thumb across my cheek. Since officiants weren’t necessary for a Ruulim wedding we were free to set a date.

“Anticipation,” I said, turning my head to kiss the pad of his thumb. His gaze darkened.

“Yes.”

There were a couple of loose ends the Doctor had yet to tie up at the Observatory, so we went for a walk after lunch. If we went home and made love the Doctor would fall asleep and not wake until the next morning. So we ended up at Liannufar Gardens, which was a popular spot to spend kitallun; many people were sitting in the shade of the trees, resting and talking, playing games or dozing. We hadn’t been there since the Burning of the Shawl, and seeing it in broad daylight was a bit of a surprise. We found a nice spot and settled down, eating the fruit I had bought from one of the many vendors in the park.

“I’d like to have the ceremony here,” he said in between two pieces of trimullo.

“’s a wonderful idea.”

We sat in silence for a while, watching the people, when a thought occurred to me.

“I’ve invited Yoru and Fenia for Christmas. You don’t mind, do you?”

The Doctor smiled. “They could pop around for lunch and kitallun.”

“We’ll need a tree and food an–”

“And we’ll have to tell them who we are. There’s no way round that anymore,” he said, taking my hand to calm me down.

“I think they know,” I replied.

“Still. I’d like to tell them. They deserve it after all they’ve done for us. And I’d like them to witness our vows,” he added softly.

I nodded. “Yeah, I was thinking about that too.” If Mum couldn’t be there, then at least I wanted our closest friends to celebrate with us.

“Would you like to wait until we’re back on Earth?” he asked.

My answer surprised both of us. “No. We’ve created our life together here; our life as a couple. I think we should honour that. Besides, people would ask too many questions back home.”

The Doctor laughed. It was such a relief to see him so relaxed that I joined in.

That night, the Doctor managed to eat at least some bread and cheese before he fell into a deep sleep in his bed. It had taken all my powers of persuasion to get him to eat instead of spending more time in his study. The Doctor became very clumsy when he was exhausted, and it was only when I pointed that out to him that he relented and went to bed.

It was an incredibly hot night, and it was very late when I decided to go to bed. I had spent the evening making Christmas preparations, softly humming carols to myself. I needed to buy some small gifts, and make a couple of ornaments. Food was going to be a problem, so I decided to make one of our favourite Ruulim dishes.

When I stood in the doorway to the Doctor’s room, I saw him sprawled across the bed on his stomach, naked. The sheets and his pyjama bottoms lay in a twisted heap on the ground. The ambient light made the fine sheen of sweat on his back shine, and for a moment I was tempted to lie down on his back and whisper things to him. A rush of want shot through me, pooling warmly between my legs.

I padded towards him, running my hand across his damp back as I bent to kiss his temple. “Mira lidde, Doctor,” I whispered. He was lying at such an impossible angle that there wasn’t any room in his bed for me. When I picked up his sheets and pyjama bottoms, a thought struck me. Christmas was the Doctor’s – this Doctor’s – birthday. Technically, only one year had passed since he had regenerated. It felt like a lifetime. Certainly long enough to be sure that I wanted to be with him forever. To marry him.

The enormity of our decision sank in then.

The Doctor wanted to be with me forever, wanted to be my husband for as long as he could. He was such an ancient being that I didn’t dare wonder about his previous lives. Still, I couldn’t imagine him making this gift very often. He just didn’t seem the type to make such a decision lightly.

I was going to marry an alien. That idea made me giggle and a bit light-headed. That anyone would want to be with me for that long was overwhelming, and yet oddly comforting. But that the Doctor should give himself to me like this was sheer... madness. Pure Doctor.

“I love you,” I whispered as I left.

The wind chimes hung very still; sleeping out in the loggia didn’t make any sense that night, so I went to my own room. I lay down on my bed, but soon found the clothes I was wearing – the usual shorts and camisole – incredibly hot, so I took them off. A whiff of my own scent wafted up, and I remembered the desire that had rushed through me at seeing the Doctor lying naked on his bed. Another wave of excitement washed over me, and I ground my hips into the mattress, pulling my knees up.

“Oh God,” I sighed. I slid my right hand down my body, not stopping to tease my breasts. Caressing them myself didn’t work for me. My fingers tangled in the coarse curls at the join of my thighs, and then I moved them between the soft folds of skin, spreading my legs. I chuckled as I found the wetness already gathered there, and the air filled with my own scent. I hissed as I brushed my clit. My fingers lingered there for a while, my mind suggesting they were the Doctor’s. He hadn’t yet discovered their full power, and I banished his image from my mind’s eye as I decided to give my body the kind of release it needed, which only my fingers knew how to provide. They slid between my folds and into me with practised ease, and I needed only a couple of minutes to close my thighs on my hand as I caressed and pleasured myself, my free hand seeking support in the sheets.

I came with a strangled cry, and it took me a while to calm down. My orgasm, gentle as it was when I found it at my own hands, had made me drowsy. I drifted off to sleep very soon after.

-:-

The days off were a blessing. Although the Doctor spent them cooped up in the study most of the time, trying to find out how exactly to use the acca to heal the TARDIS, he took regular breaks when I called him for lunch or dinner. That first night he'd slept for almost fifteen hours; I'd settled next to him on the bed in the morning, in what little space he left me, to read my book. I had covered him with the sheet he had discarded the night before. Being distracted by him was nice, but not when he wasn’t aware of what he was doing.

He surprised me with a fully decorated Christmas tree on the morning of Christmas Eve. The soft breeze that had picked up a couple of days before was playing in the evergreen leaves. The rustling and tinkling of the ornaments he had put up mixed with the sound of the wind chimes.

“These aren't real candles, are they?” I asked, still blinking in the early morning light.

“Yep,” he said, gleefully popping his ps. “You can be sure that it won’t play carols or come to life. At least I hope so. But then again, this is a tree of Christmas past. No remote control. Perfectly safe. Merry Christmas.” He had lead me outside holding his hands over my eyes, and had remained standing behind me. I turned in his embrace and kissed him.

“'s beautiful. Thank you.”

He beamed at me, gesturing toward the coffee table where he'd laid out breakfast.

When I sat down and saw how much care he'd taken with everything I knew that he had something to tell me. I looked up at him and could see that he was almost bursting with excitement. My heart began to thump. “What is it, Doctor?” I asked very softly.

“I think I might have found the cure. We were so blind, we didn't see it, or want to see it, or I didn't want to, because I was still all ears and nose back then. I'd really not considered those days, but–”

“Doctor, calm down!” I cried, laughing.

“It's you, Rose. The solution is you and your acca ring.”

My heart skipped a beat. “Me?”

He nodded.

“How can I be...?”

“Do you remember our very first kiss?”

“The Bad Wolf,” I whispered.

He sighed. “You took the heart of the TARDIS into yourself. This is so much more than just the Bad Wolf – that was just a mnemonic device for you. To me... it was the most amazing thing anyone had ever done for me.”

“I killed you with it,” I said. “If I hadn't–”

“We wouldn't be here. You'd have stayed on the estate and never known what happened to me. I wouldn't be who I am now,” he said tenderly.

I nodded, although I did not quite get what those events had to do with the TARDIS now.

“You still have a bit of the TARDIS inside you,” the Doctor said, handing me a slice of toasted bread. “That is why she communicates with you.”

I took a bite, trying to digest what he'd just told me. “Why can't she communicate with you? You're... you're a Time Lord. You're linked to her.” Then I realised. “Doesn't the separation hurt?”

His eyes darkened and he turned his gaze to the contents of his mug. He took a sip before he finally answered me. His words left me speechless. “All the time. It hurts all the time.”

I reached out for him.

“It's a dull ache, all over,” he said softly, turning his hand in mine. “And it's like heartache. Like when I had to send you and the TARDIS back to Earth.”

“Doctor, I–” This was one of the rare moments when he really opened up to me, and the enormity of his feelings was so overwhelming that I didn't know what to say. But then he smiled tentatively, and I knew that the moment had passed, and that he would be fine.

“She’d need you, Rose. The acca would work like a transplant, and your bit of her essence would turn the acca into the kind of coral that would help the TARDIS to grow her own, healthy coral,” he explained, the change in him once again as mercurial as ever. He really was going to be all right.

“What do you need me to do?” I asked, afraid of the answer; his use of the conditional hadn’t escaped my attention.

“You’d want to do this?” The surprise in his voice took me aback.

“Of course I do,” I said, squeezing his hand. Neither of us had eaten more than a bite or taken more than a sip from our maklak. “Why wouldn't I?”

It's dangerous, I thought.

“I... I don't know, it's just... you seem so happy here, and...”

“It’s dangerous,” I said.

“Yes,” he said, his voice breaking as his heart sank. “Very.”

I took a deep breath and smiled. “Well, I guess it’s a good thing I’m jeopardy-friendly then.”

The Doctor stood. “Rose, it’s... it could kill you.”

I stood too, reluctant to let him go. “But it would save the TARDIS.” Stepping up to him where he stood by one of the windows overlooking the river below, I took both his hands. “Look at me, Doctor.”

He turned his head and reluctantly met my eyes. The sorrow in them was gone, had been replaced with fathomless darkness.

“It could kill me?”

He nodded.

“How likely is that?”

“I don’t know. I–”

“But it would save the TARDIS.”

He nodded.

“I’ll do it.”

“No, Rose, I can’t ask that of you,” he protested, freeing his hands.

I smiled bravely at him. I was terrified of the prospect, but I wanted to leave as much as he did, despite everything. “I’m offering.”

“Not accepting.”

“Tough, because I want to do this for you, and you can’t turn down that sort of gift.”

“Rose, don’t... this is... it’s too serious to be joking about it.”

“Do I look like I’m joking?” I asked, incredulous, stepping away from him.

He shook his head, his eyes sad once again . “No. That’s what scares me so.” He turned away and slumped into the loveseat. He had been so happy to have found a cure, seemed to know exactly what had to be done. I’d had no idea he suffered from the separation the way he did.

“I don’t want to lose you too, Rose,” he said, sitting up, taking my hands as I sat on my knees before him. “I love you. I could... I can imagine a life with you here, on Ruul. I could never forgive myself if... if you were killed in a crazy attempt to save the TARDIS. I’d have her... but what is the universe if I can’t share it with you?”

Oh Doctor, I thought, tears welling up in my eyes. “You’d get over me, Doctor. You’ll have to, eventually. Fragile little human, me. I won’t live forever. But I’d love to give you my forever, and I couldn’t stand the idea of leaving you behind here, without anywhere to go.” He’d be trapped, a prisoner even, like he’d been before he’d stolen the TARDIS. “I couldn’t bear that, Doctor. I love you too much for that.”

He pulled me up and into his arms, and we shifted awkwardly so I could sit comfortably with him. We held each other for a long time, and I could feel his silent tears wet my skin where he had buried his face in my neck.

“I’m so scared, Rose,” he whispered.


	18. Eighteen: Drink

Eighteen  
Drink

I didn’t dare ask the Doctor what exactly he needed me to do to save the TARDIS. He seemed equally reluctant to bring the topic up again. “Let’s leave this until after Christmas, yeah?” he asked me as he brushed the tears off his face. We kissed and cuddled in the love-seat, unwilling to leave each other, desperate as we were to gather our thoughts and calm down.

“Will the TARDIS hold out long enough, though?” I asked.

“The solution we’ve been feeding her helps. She’ll be fine for another couple of days, yeah,” he mumbled. Then he claimed my lips, and we lost ourselves in a deep, lingering kiss.

We didn’t make love right then. Both of us were still so overwhelmed that it just didn’t seem right. Instead, we went about the last preparations for Christmas, humming carols at first; eventually we began to sing them out loud together in soft voices as we made a mess of the kitchen, making biscuits and preparing lots of other food for dinner and lunch the next day.

Dinner, and, indeed, supper, had long since passed by the time we were finished. We both laughed as we discovered that neither of us was hungry after all the food we'd prepared and tasted. The tension of the morning was gone, and we collapsed into our usual seats with a cup of watered-down wine once the kitchen was presentable again.

“How many people did we invite?” the Doctor wondered.

I smiled, worrying the back of my thumb with my teeth. “I'm sorry; Mum always makes loads of food for Christmas.”

“Have you talked to her? You should talk to her. I'll draw you a bath while you ring her,” he offered, standing.

“What do I tell her?” I said, looking up at him. He navigated his way around the coffee-table and leaned down for a kiss.

“The truth.”

I sighed. Now that we had a way of saving the TARDIS I wasn't so afraid of telling Mum about where we were any more. But then again I was fairly sure that Mum knew that something was amiss anyway. Despite the distance, despite the phone, she always seemed to know. It was annoying as well as reassuring. How do you tell your mother over the phone that you're going to get married? How do you tell her that she can't be there for the wedding?

Although we hadn't set a date, I was quite sure that we'd have the ceremony soon, before our attempt at saving the TARDIS.

I smiled at the Doctor. “Thank you.”

Of course, Mum knew. She listened to the whole story without interrupting me. Until I told her about our plans. “He makes you that happy, eh?”

“Yes.”

She sighed. “I'm happy for you, Rose. 's just... I would have liked to be there.”

“Mum. I know. I'd love you to be here. But you know... we've found happiness here, and we want to...”

“Yeah, and that's okay. Take loads of pictures, yeah? Now, can I have a word with himself?” Mum told me about her own Christmas preparations while I went in search of the Doctor. He was in the bathroom, naked, lighting the candles he'd brought in from the loggia.

“It's Mum. She wants to talk to you.” I held the phone out for him.

“Jackie? I can't,” he whispered, flushing. “I'm naked.”

“She can't see you.”

“It's Jackie.”

He sighed, grabbed a towel and wrapped it around his waist before accepting my mobile.

“Hello, Jackie,” he said brightly.

He grew serious as he listened. I left them alone to get our cups of wine. When I came back and put our cups down on the edge around the tub beside him, he reached out for my hand. He drew me towards him. I half-sat, half-leaned on his thigh as he put his arm around me. “I promise you, Jackie, to keep Rose safe.”

He passed the phone back to me and we ended the call wishing each other a merry Christmas and exchanged a quick “I love you.” I switched the phone off thoughtfully. “She took it surprisingly well,” I mused.

“She'll make me regenerate if I don't keep you safe,” he said. “She wished me a happy birthday.” He looked up at me.

“It is your birthday. In a way. I hope you don't mind, because... I've got a little present,” I said.

He grinned with glee. “You do?”

“Yes.” I stood, put the phone down in a safe place, and pulled my shirt up and over my head. Off went my shorts, followed by my underthings. We held each other's gaze as I took off my clothes, and he offered me his hand for support.

“Don't I get to unwrap my present?” he asked, his voice low and his eyes darkening.

“Who says this is it?” I asked, cupping his cheek and bending down to kiss him. His eyes widened in disbelief. I smiled and kissed the tip of his nose. “I'll give it to you later, yeah?”

He nodded. We hadn't bathed together before, and we discovered that it was something we enjoyed a lot. I loved the feel of his slick skin against mine as he leaned back against me, and his fingers drawing idle patterns on my legs felt divine. I wished we could always be like this, comfortable and safe in our own world. We helped each other with our hair, and when we stepped out of the cold bath he scooped me up and carried me to my bedroom.

Kneeling on the bed beside me, he ran his fingertips along my body, smiling softly to himself. I lay still, trying not to blush under his gentle scrutiny. He looked like he was making his mind up about something, and an uneasy feeling spread in the pit of my stomach as I remembered that morning’s revelations.

“Penny for your thoughts,” I whispered, reaching out to still his travelling hand with mine.

His head snapped up, and I relaxed when I saw he was smiling. “I was just wondering... which present to give you first.”

“There’s more than one?” I asked, genuinely surprised. I’d never even thought about getting any gifts. I’d spent ages wondering what to give the Doctor. What do you give a man who’s got everything he could possibly want? I’d finally made up my mind, but now I knew my ideas were a bit rubbish, and felt almost ashamed of them.

“Oh yes,” he murmured, leaning down for a kiss. “Don’t go away,” he said, rising and leaving the room.

I sat up, watching him leave. If he was going to give me a present now, I might as well return the favour – and make love to him to make it up to him. The presents were on the table in the dark corner of my room, so I got up to get the one I wanted him to have first; his birthday present. Of course, the Doctor returned before I’d made it back to the bed, and he stopped dead in his tracks as he saw the empty bed from the doorway.

I stepped back into the dimly lit part of the room. “I’m still here. I just thought I’d get you yours.” I slowly walked back to the bed and climbed onto it, placing the gift in front of me.

As he joined me on the bed, I pushed the wrapped package towards him, my cheeks burning. “It’s nothing much. I... saw it and thought of you. Happy Birthday.”

He picked it up. “Thank you, Rose.” He leaned in for a kiss. I turned on the light above the headboard while he carefully removed the wrapping paper. Of course, getting Christmas-themed wrapping paper had been impossible on a planet that didn’t even have wrapping paper. So I’d gone and got some of the buff-coloured wrapping paper at the shops and had drawn Christmassy ornaments on it.

“This is lovely,” he said softly, smoothing out the paper on the mattress.

“Well, at least you like the paper,” I said.

He shook his head, flipping the book over in his lap. It was a volume about the constellations of Ruul he’d admired at the Barracan fair. I still had no idea why he hadn’t bought it, and I hoped he’d like it.

“That... I... Rose...” he stammered. He started another sentence, but again he interrupted himself before he found the appropriate verb.

He hates it, I thought.

“You shouldn’t have, Rose,” he eventually managed.

I nodded, looking away, touching the wrapping paper. His disappointment hurt. “’m sorry, Doctor. I had no idea what to get you.”

“No, Rose. I love it! This is... it’s beautiful and... how did you know?”

“What? I...” The rest of my sentence fell victim to one of his passionate kisses. I lost myself in his tongue caressing and dancing with mine.

“Thank you, Rose. I really love it.”

“You do?” I asked, light-headed and quite breathless.

He nodded, smiling, laughing. “I didn’t buy it because it... Rose, this is worth a fortune. I so wanted it for the TARDIS library, but I didn’t have enough money on me, and when I went back later to get it, it had been sold.”

“Must have been me,” I murmured, still trying to understand what he had just told me.

He leafed through the book, his expression rapt, showing me some of the illustrations, pointing things out to me. I watched him as he lost himself in his explanations and the pleasure he derived from the book. It was so good to see this side of him again. It was the best present he could have given me.

“I’m boring you,” he said, rousing me from my reverie. He was looking at me intently, the book resting closed on his lap.

I shook my head. “No,” I said, telling him what I'd just been thinking about.

“You do that to me, Rose,” he whispered. He put the paper and book on the floor next to the bed and he kissed me, gently lowering me into the pillows. Stretching out beside me, he started to run his hands over my body, exploring. “It’s all you, and I have no idea how I could ever thank you for it. For that... and for what you are willing to do for me.”

A wave of fear rolled over me, and I willed it away. Not tonight. Tonight I wanted to be about us. “Don’t, Doctor,” I said, drawing him down to me for a kiss. “I believe you had something to give to me?” I teased, pushing my tongue between my teeth.

“Oh that...” he began. “ It’s a bit rubbish compared to what you gave me. I mean, it’s still brilliant, of course, but it’s not really unselfish.”

“What is it?”

He leaned over the edge of the bed again to pick something up. It was a glass jar that contained a clear, jelly-like substance that melted on the skin and felt like water. It was odourless and cool on my finger. I looked at him askance.

“It’s...” the Doctor began, flushing, “it’s a contraceptive gel.”

“Oh,” I said, looking at the stuff on my finger. “How does it work?”

He took my hand and smeared the bit of gel on my finger onto his palm before he reached into the jar for more. Then he rubbed his palms together before wrapping his hands around himself and massaging the gel onto his slowly hardening cock.

“You’re right,” I murmured, feeling my mouth go dry. “Not entirely unselfish, but I love it.” I closed the jar and set it onto the bedside table. Then I lay back and watched him stroke himself. “It works for Gallifreyan... sperm?”

The Doctor sighed. “Oh yes. Kills every last one of the little buggers.”

“Touch me, Doctor,” I said, touching his wrist, but he shook his head, still stroking himself, his cock glistening with the gel. He had set a lazy rhythm of upstrokes and little twists and brushes. “Touch yourself, Rose. I want to watch you.”

I flushed at the idea of the Doctor watching me doing something so private, but watching him had set my body tingling, and when I slid my hand between my thighs I found myself already damp. I teased myself gently at first, trying to hold his gaze, but the darkness of his lust in them soon made me set a more urgent rhythm. I opened my thighs so I could move more freely, and then I slipped two of my fingers inside myself. I arched into my touch and I lost contact with his eyes.

He threaded his fingers through mine as I reached out blindly for him, seeking support. His other hand joined mine between my legs, chasing my fingers away as he slid his into me, his thumb brushing over my clit. I arched towards him with a strangled cry. I was so close already.

“Doctor, please,” I cried. “Ildiem tu faronn.”

“Soki, ngarthu sam,” he whispered, letting go of me and stretching out by my side. He nudged me to lie on my side, and nestled up to my back. I pulled my left leg up so he could align himself with me, and he fanned his fingers out on my stomach. Then he slid inside me in one swift motion as he nuzzled my neck.

“This is wonderful,” I moaned, pushing my bum back against his hips. His fingers slid lower and found my clit. I groaned, and then he began to set a new rhythm, one we hadn’t tried yet, in this new position with this new protection between us that was so much better than a condom, and hopefully just as safe.

He kept murmuring to me as he moved in me and behind me and around me, and soon enough he had me back where I had been when he’d stopped me to sheathe himself inside me. He drew up his left leg so it rested behind mine and to get better leverage as he neared completion. I tightened my fingers around his and clutched the sheets with my free hand as he drove me over the edge. I was still riding out the waves of my orgasm when his own orgasm hit him. I had almost forgotten what it felt like when he spilled himself into me, pulling me close to him, his breath ragged and warm on my neck. We rested for a while before he slid out of me. As always, he helped me before he cleaned himself up, and we came to lie in each other’s arms.

“That was wonderful, thank you.”

“I’m glad,” he mumbled, kissing my temple and playing with my hair. “I was a bit worried.”

“You mean there’s a chance this... gel doesn’t work?” I asked.

“Trust me, it does work. I was just worried you wouldn’t like it because, well, it’s not exactly a very personal gift, is it?”

“Being able to make love to you is very personal, Doctor,” I said, drawing lazy patterns on the arm he’d draped across over me.

-:-

“I can hardly believe it’s Christmas,” I said when we were sitting in the loggia, nursing our morning maklak. We’d finally made it out of bed after trying out the gel twice more. I had found that it made me even more sensitive, thus even increasing my pleasure – which I hadn’t thought possible; the Doctor was a very considerate lover when we made love for the sheer pleasure of it.

“Well, there’s the tree, and we’re in our jimjams, and we’ve got maklak and... maybe another present will do the job?” he suggested, standing.

I sighed, managing a smile. He was so sweet that I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I missed Mum. I guess he knew. It also was about the heat I wasn’t used to at this time of year, and the lack of delicious smells wafting out of the kitchen and the general feeling of Christmas that was so hard to put into words. So I just nodded.

“I wish there were clouds in the sky. There hasn’t been a single one since we arrived,” I mused.

He picked up a very small present I hadn’t noticed lying under the tree, and brought it to me. “The only thing I can give you is this. Happy Christmas, Rose.” He sat down next to me on the daybed.

I thanked him and opened the little box. The first thing I noticed was the pendant on its red bed of Ruulim velvet. It was a circle made of silver framing an intricate pattern of more silver wire, leaving blank a key-formed shape at its centre. It was perfect for the TARDIS key.

“Oh,” I said, ghosting my finger over the filigree pattern. It looked vaguely familiar.

“It’s for your TARDIS key, so you don’t look like a latchkey kid when you wear it,” the Doctor explained.

“It’s Gallifreyan, isn’t it? The pattern?”

He nodded.

“What’s it say?” I asked.

“Rose, ngarthu sam, ngudia sam, avitanon.”

“My beautiful, my...?”

He drew in a breath. “My beautiful, my beloved, forever.”

I didn’t know what to say. Eventually I settled on thanking him with a deep and lingering kiss. Then I noticed the beautiful silver chain threaded through the pendant. After I’d gone and fetched my key, the Doctor showed me how to thread the key into the pendant and the chain and put it around my neck. “It’s beautiful,” I whispered, touching the pendant which rested, cool, on my skin. “Thank you.”

I kept fingering the pendant, wondering how to give him my second gift. I wasn't quite sure if I should give him the second book at all. I'd bought it on a whim from a deli near the Observatory. The Doctor loved their jams, and the book was a small collection of recipes. It was a daft idea, really, because the book was not going to be of any use to him once we left Ruul. He could still experiment with the fruit, though – maybe he could find fruits to substitute for what we've grown to love on Ruul.

He laughed when he found out what his second present was. “Not really unselfish either, is it?”

“But not as useful as the gel,” I mumbled. “I'm sorry. You're a bit hard to shop for.”

The Doctor pulled me towards him for a kiss. “I love it, and it'll give me something to do when we travel the Vortex. It'll always remind me of our time here,” he said, holding me close.

-:-

Fenia and Yoru came for lunch, and they surprised both of us by giving us the photograph Fenia had taken on the beach at Barracan. The Doctor was standing behind me, his arms wrapped around me, pressing his lips to my temple. A shiver ran down my spine when I saw us together like this. It felt so perfect, and we were radiating such happiness. I decided that I would take a photo of the sepia-coloured photo in its frame and send it to Mum – to show her that the Doctor and I really were happy together. It also meant that I did have a Christmas gift to send her.

Fenia also gave me a set of colourful bangles that tinkled and caught the light as I moved around. I thanked her with a hug, and after we'd given them their gifts, we sat down for a leisurely lunch in the kitchen. It was a bit of a shame that we couldn't see the tree, but the kitchen table and benches were too heavy for us to carry. We'd sit in the loggia and admire the tree later.

We had wine for lunch, and since I didn't water it down, I soon felt pleasantly light-headed. The others seemed a bit tipsy too, and we were glad for the afternoon rest to let the effects of the alcohol wear off. Fenia and Yoru had to return to the Observatory after kitallun.

“We have something to tell you,” the Doctor began eventually, topping off our cups.

Yoru and Fenia exchanged glances before looking at the Doctor expectantly.

“Rose and I are getting married,” the Doctor said, beaming, his voice shaky with joy. The two smiled knowingly, their expressions clearly saying something along the lines of It's about time too. “And we'd be very honoured if you were our maid of honour and best man.”

“Whatever that is, I'd be happy to be a maid of honour,” Fenia said, hugging both of us.

“I think there might be a few things we need to explain to you,” I said, letting go of Yoru as he, too, had hugged the Doctor and me. “Why don't we go to the loggia?”

Fenia and Yoru had known we weren't Ruulim, particularly after the many things we'd shared with them. They were celebrating Christmas with us, and had heard us speak English, and knew that Ruulim was a foreign language for me. They had to explain the odd thing that I didn't know about. They nodded, hearing us out. “I'm sorry for not telling you earlier,” I added after the Doctor had finished.

“It's okay,” Yoru said. “With people like Setiu around, you have to be careful. And truth be told, I don't really know what to make of all you've told us. We had an idea, of course, but finding it's true – I guess there'll be so many questions.”

“I'll be happy to answer every single one of them,” the Doctor said.

“What about your ship, the TARDIS? Have you found a way of curing her?” Fenia asked.

I bit my lip, nodding, accepting the Doctor's hand as he reached out for me.


	19. Nineteen: Drunk

Nineteen  
Drunk

Yoru wanted to say something but was unable to find the right words. He breathed in several times to start speaking, but exhaled in frustration each time words seemed to fail him. Fenia, too, had sensed our reluctance to discuss the topic and eventually asked if they could have a look at the TARDIS.

“I can’t let you go inside, however,” the Doctor said, “which is why you’ll have to take my word that she’s bigger inside.”

Yoru furrowed his brow. “How can that be?”

“Complicated Gallifreyan technology,” the Doctor explained dismissively. “She’s really ill and a bit... unpredictable.”

“Your ship really is alive?” Yoru asked.

“She’s a conscious being, yes, and part of her is organic. That’s why we need acca and... and something else to cure her.” He didn’t meet my eyes as he added that last bit.

The Doctor led the way to the tower house, opened the door and gestured for Yoru and Fenia to precede him inside. The two stepped into the room a bit reluctantly; they had no idea at all what to expect. I stayed with the Doctor as they circled the TARDIS, disbelief and wonder marking their faces as they appeared around the far corner.

“Can I touch?” Fenia asked, her hand twitching in anticipation. “She looks... like she’s made of wood.”

The Doctor laughed. “It is wood. Protected by force fields, of course, when we travel.”

Fenia just nodded as she smoothed her palm against the blue wood, feeling its grain, resting the pad of one finger on a knothole. “Very complicated then. How big is it inside?” she asked, looking up the TARDIS. Fenia looked very small, and I realised that I must look the same; Fenia and I were about the same height. What did the Doctor see, I wondered, when he saw me with the TARDIS?

“It’s vast,” the Doctor said.

“The directions to the bins alone fill a page,” I said.

“Oi!” the Doctor scoffed. “Why do you think there are rubbish chutes?”

“Is it bigger than Sho?” Yoru asked.

“Bigger than Sho and Pagao taken together,” the Doctor said.

“And the walls are made of coral,” Fenia added. “I’d really love to see her.”

“You will, I promise,” the Doctor said. “Not just yet, okay?”

“Can’t we just look inside?” Yoru wanted to know, touching the handle of the door.

The Doctor looked a bit helplessly at me. “It’s really not a pretty sight, her illness is causing her coral to burn and it’s coated in a black residue. The smell, well the smell is quite overpowering,” I said.

“Oh,” Fenia said. “I’m sorry, we didn’t mean to–”

“It’s just... she looks okay, from the outside – as far as huge blue boxes go, anyway,” Yoru added with a smile.

“She’s just so ill right now, why don’t we wait till she’s feeling better. When her coral is her normal gorgeous colour and sheen,” I said.

The Doctor grinned.

I left them as they discussed the TARDIS. My stomach had felt tight the whole morning, and that feeling of tightness had turned into the cramps that heralded my period. Ever since I’d started taking the pill, the cramps had been mostly absent, so now that I’d run out the cramps had returned and I felt a bit overwhelmed by their strength. Moving about always helped, and after a visit to the bathroom I went to the kitchen to clean up.

I was very relieved that Yoru and Fenia had accepted the news the way they had. I was even more relieved, however, that my period was just late. For a while I had thought that I might be pregnant. Despite the fact that we normally used condoms, we had made love once without, and it would be my luck that once would do the job. Now I could chalk it up to my body having to get used to its natural cycle again.

I hadn’t told the Doctor yet, but I had been very close. I was glad, now, that I had held back. The possibility of me being pregnant would have changed our plans for curing the TARDIS. The Doctor would never have let me help if I’d told him I thought I was pregnant. It wasn’t that I’d have consciously endangered the baby, but the Doctor would have refused to go through with it, and the TARDIS would have died. I knew I couldn’t let that happen.

“Hey.”

Fenia’s voice startled me, and I jumped a little, dropping the container of marinated vegetables. Fortunately it only fell a few inches to the countertop and splashed a bit, so it was undamaged and all I had to do was wipe the rim where a bit of the marinade had slopped over.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you,” she said, putting her cup on the table and placing Yoru’s right next to it.

“’s okay,” I smiled.

“So, you’re an alien.”

“I guess I am,” I said. Fenia was right. To her, I was the alien. And I was here together with yet another alien, and we were going to get married. “Does that bother you?”

She hesitated a bit before shaking her head.

“I know we shouldn’t have lied to you,” I began. “But it’s not easy to know who you can trust.”

“Yes, I know. So, your Mum’s not really on the other side of Ruul, is she? She’s on another planet.”

“Earth,” I said.

“It must be hard, with her so far away,” Fenia said, helping me with the food.

“It is sometimes,” I sighed. I would have loved to ask her advice, about being late. About being in love with the Doctor. About the wedding.

“I’m your friend, Rose,” she said. “I’m probably totally unlike your mother, but I’d like you to know that I’ll always be there for you.”

At that, I was at a total loss for words. I wiped my hands on a tea towel and hugged her. Fenia’s friendship was one of the best Christmas gifts ever.

-:-

By the time Yoru and Fenia left, kitallun was over and they were late for work. Although it had been a lovely day, I was kind of glad when they finally left. I was achy and just wanted to curl up and nap for a while. I winced a little as I lowered myself onto the daybed, and the Doctor noticed my discomfort.

“Are you all right, my love?” he asked, sitting down in the crook of my body. A warm shiver ran down my back at the endearment. He’d never used it before. At least not outside the bedroom.

“Yeah, I’m just a bit sore from this morning. And I’ve got minor cramps... my period’s just started, you know,” I explained. His face had lit up in male pride as I’d mentioned the morning, but it soon turned into mild embarrassment as I mentioned the cramps.

“Is there anything I can do?” he asked.

“No, I’m fine. Jus’ tired, is all.”

“You’ve skipped your nap,” he realised. Then he bent down to kiss me. “Sleep. I’ll be in the study.”

I mumbled sleepily in agreement. He brushed a lock of hair off my face, and then stood and left.

The last thing I noticed was that the wind chimes and ornaments in the tree were tinkling quite merrily.

-:-

It was getting dark outside much earlier now than when we first arrived, the only outward sign of the seasons changing. The breeze that had picked up earlier brought a bit of a relief after the heat of the last couple of days. Change was most certainly in the air.

We had to talk about the cure for the TARDIS. The longer we put that off, I knew, the more reasons the Doctor would find why we – I – shouldn’t do it. I couldn’t let that happen.

The Doctor was in his study when I went to join him there after my nap. I brought him some water and set to lighting the lamps in the room as he remained bent over his books and papers. I picked up my vocabulary book and the book I had bought in Barracan and settled in a chair in the corner. The ancient language of the poetry still intrigued me, but so far I hadn’t made much progress, and I’d made a mental note to check some of the dictionaries as soon as I was back in the stock-room. I could have looked for a more modern version of the volume – if, indeed, something like that existed – but I appreciated the challenge. It gave me something to do while the Doctor worked.

I was too distracted to concentrate, my thoughts whirling around this Christmas. I had sent Mum the photo, and couldn’t wait for her reply when we talked again the following Thursday. With alarm I had noticed that the bars had already shortened considerably.

I looked up when the Doctor crouched in front of me.

“Yoru will help us with the acca,” he said, taking off his glasses and rubbing his eyes.

“Good,” I said, closing my book around the vocabulary book.

“I’ve never asked. What are you working on?”

“Something I picked up at Barracan. Seems to be an old version of Ruulim,” I shrugged.

“Many good things happened there,” the Doctor mused, sitting on the floor cross-legged.

I moved forward in my chair, putting the books behind me. I took his hands as he reached out for me. “Yes,” I smiled.

“I know we wanted to take our time with the wedding,” he began.

“I’ve been thinking about that too,” I said.

“Oh.” He exhaled, ducking his head.

“I think we should do it before we take care of the TARDIS.”

“You still want to marry me?” His dark eyes were wide when he looked up.

“Why wouldn’t I? I love you.”

He beamed at me. “Could you say that again?”

“I love you, Doctor.”

“Quite right too.”

Again, he had managed to distract me. But this time, I wouldn’t let him get away with it. “What do you need me to do, Doctor?” I eventually asked. “I'd like to know what you're so terrified of.”

He didn't say anything for a long while, and when he did, he did so with a sigh. “You have to look into the heart of the TARDIS. She'll take what she needs. I think she'll need to establish an extra powerful telepathic link for that.”

He stopped there to let the news sink in. No one was supposed to look into the heart of a TARDIS. It was too much, even for a Time Lord. When I had looked into the heart of his TARDIS, I had become something new, something beautiful and terrifying. I couldn't remember what exactly had happened, but I had an idea that it had been more than killing the Daleks. He had never told me what it was. He had taken away whatever it was that had filled me, and he had given one of his lives for me in the process.

I shivered.

He let go of my hands and stood.

“Promise me something, Doctor,” I said. When I looked up at him his gaze was getting thunderous. “Don't regenerate.”

His gaze darkened even further.

“It's only a little bit of her that's still inside me, right? Maybe it won't be that bad. It can't be worse than the first time she established a link with me. And I was only hurt because I fell. It won't happen this time. I could lie down, yeah?” The words spilled out of me a mile a minute.

He smiled at me, amused and sorrowful at the same time.

“I'm serious, Doctor.” I was very close to bristling. This was my decision.

He exhaled. “I know. That's what scares me so.”

“Please don't regenerate. I don’t want you to give up another life for me.”

“I can't promise you that.” He took me by my shoulders and drew me up and into his arms, holding me very tight and pressing a kiss onto my hair. “But I promise I'll do anything to prevent that from happening.”

“Good,” I mumbled into his shoulder. “I guess that's good enough for me.”

We stood wrapped up in each other for a while before he suggested that we move back to the loggia and finish the bottle of wine that was left over from lunch. He lit the candles on the tree, and although I was a bit scared of the tree catching fire, I was transfixed by the beauty of it. We both settled on the daybed, the Doctor sitting behind me and rubbing my stomach in soothing circles.

“You're very good at this,” I murmured.

“Caressing you? I should hope so.”

“No, at doing domestic. You told me once you don't do domestic.”

“Well,” he said, drawing the sound out. “But I also said never ever say never.”

I laughed, then turned in his embrace to kiss him. He opened up beneath my lips, and I deepened the gesture, and did exactly the things with my tongue that made him moan and melt into my arms. It didn't take long for him to harden against my thigh. I smiled against his lips and slipped my hand between our bodies to cup him through the thin fabric of his trousers. He arched into my touch. “Rose, don’t do that.”

“Why, don’t you like it?” I asked against his lips, trailing my fingers lightly over his erection. He dug his fingers into my back and tangled them in my hair in response.

“It like it so much,” he whispered. “Too much.”

“So?” I teased, cupping him, sliding my other hand underneath his shirt. His skin was warmer than normal.

“So there will come a point when I won’t be able to stop you.”

“Why would you want me to stop?” I asked, peppering his jaw with kisses.

He groaned again as I moved my hand over his crotch and upwards to trail my fingers along his skin where it was revealed by the waistband of his trousers. “Because I can’t share it with you.” He covered my hand with his to still my movement.

“You know, Doctor,” I whispered so close by his ear that my breath made him shiver, “sometimes it’s okay to just accept a gift. Sometimes it’s all I want you to do.” I moved away from him far enough to give him space to take off his trousers. My bangles tinkled as I moved to untie the ribbon with which I had pulled my hair back into a ponytail. “Take off your trousers,” I said softly over the tinkling of the wind chimes. “Please.”

He undid the fastenings and raised his hips off the mattress, pushing down his pants along with his trousers. “Help me,” he said, and I tugged the garments off him and dropped them onto the floor.

“Are you comfortable?” I asked, resting my hands on his ankles, ignoring his cock. His eyes were very dark when he nodded. “Good.” I crawled between his legs and snuggled up to him for a kiss. One of his hands came to rest on my bum, and I immediately withdrew. “You can kiss me and touch my face and hands but nothing else.”

The bewilderment in his eyes soon made way for a mischievous sparkle. “You really enjoy this, don’t you?”

I grinned, trailing kisses down his throat and then his chest as I undid the buttons of his Oxford. Cupping one and sucking at the other rather prominent hipbone, I continued to ignore his cock. I caressed the insides of his thighs and his stomach, and smiled as he lay back and allowed himself to enjoy what I was doing. Then I took him into my mouth, and was rewarded with a cry of pleasure. His muscles tightened under my fingers and I knew that he was very close. I released him and moved upwards to kiss him.

He whimpered my name as I withdrew from the relatively chaste kiss.

“I want you to show me what you like,” I said, kissing his cheek.

“I like your mouth.”

“Ah, but if I’m not there... what do you like? When you touched yourself last night... what did you do?” I was surprised by my own boldness, and I felt my cheeks flush. It was probably the wine we’d had; although I had slept most of my tipsiness away, I was light-headed again.

The Doctor didn’t say anything. He took my hand and showed me a series of movements, tightening and releasing my grip, brushing and stroking this way and that until his hand dropped away and his breath became ragged. I had been whispering to him the whole time, encouraging him, telling him how gorgeous he looked. It wasn’t probably a good idea to stroke his ego like this, but I couldn’t help myself. The candlelight turned his tanned skin to gold, and the sheen of sweat that started to build up on his skin made me want to kiss and lick him all over. His face was a pure expression of bliss, and he bit his lower lip when he thought he couldn’t take it anymore. I let go of him then, and kissed him.

“Rose,” he panted, as I had to come up for air. “Please, no more.”

“You want me to stop?” I withdrew my hand to rest it on his chest. His right heart was hammering hard against his ribs.

“No!” he cried. “Please, please make me come.”

I smiled, and moved down his body to do just that.


	20. Twenty: Tattoo

Twenty  
Tattoo

It turned out that the preparations for curing the TARDIS were more extensive than we thought. The acca Yoru had promised us had to be prepared and ground and then mixed into a thick paste the recipe for which the Doctor had yet to experiment with. So it was just as well that the preparations for the wedding also took a bit longer. Fenia had taken the planning into her hands, which, apparently, was customary on Ruul. She promised to tell me all the details and answer all my questions soon. It was a bit weird, because when I was a little girl Mum and I had often made plans for my wedding, plans that went way beyond her means, but daydreaming was all we had. And now I had no part in it at all, and Mum wouldn’t even be there.

It was a thought I didn’t dare dwell on, but one night while I was preparing supper, I just couldn’t be strong anymore, and I cried over peeling and chopping the vegetables. The tears came out of the blue, and as my vision blurred I cut my thumb. I didn’t want to stop working, because I knew if I did, I would need a proper cry. But the Doctor was around and I couldn’t afford that luxury.

I sucked my thumb into my mouth, glad for the physical pain, although it wasn’t strong enough to warrant all these tears. I put the knife down and leaned against the counter, the metallic taste of my blood coating my tongue. The cut, when I examined it, wasn’t deep. Still, it felt good to let the tears stream down my cheeks, and the sob that finally bubbled up inside me helped me clear my thoughts. When it was over, I washed my face and but a plaster on my thumb, then I carried on with what I was doing.

The Doctor, of course, wasn’t easy to fool. He must have seen my puffy eyes when he came into the kitchen shortly after I’d put the vegetables into the oven. He took me by the hand and led me to the study, where he healed the cut with his sonic screwdriver. Then he kissed the new skin on my thumb, and pulled me into his arms. All the while, he didn’t say a single word.

-:-

The first day back at the Observatory, Fenia came to the Doctor’s office just before I had to leave for the stock-room. For once, I was eager to go, to get started on my own little research project. I had made quite a bit of progress on the volume of poetry, and there were things I needed to check. I dearly hoped that my findings in the library wouldn’t completely wreck my work.

“I need each of you to do things before the wedding,” Fenia announced. “Actually, I need you to have it done by Wednesday morning.” Thursday was a public holiday – Remembrance Day, which commemorated the loss of life in the Wars – and we had decided to get married on Wednesday, right after kitallun, when the Observatory was closed. That way we’d have at least a one-day honeymoon.

We looked at her expectantly. I had no idea if what she was asking of us could be accomplished in the short time.

“You have to design the tattoo with your name, and you have to come up with your vows,” she said after she’d taken a deep breath.

“A tattoo,” the Doctor repeated, blinking.

“It’s the Ruulim way of showing that you’re married,” she explained very softly, almost embarrassed. “Unless of course... what’s customary at your homes?”

“We exchange rings. Mostly,” I said, giving the Doctor a questioning look. He sniffed and pouted and looked away. Fenia and I exchanged glances.

“Is there a tradition from your planet you’d like to honour, Doctor?” Fenia asked in the same soft voice.

The Doctor studied the caps of his trainers before he looked up. “There’s something I need to tell Rose after the vows. She’s the only one I can tell. ”

A shiver ran through me. I had no idea what this could be that only I was allowed to know.

“I’d like to get the tattoo,” the Doctor said brightly, surprising Fenia more than me – I was used to his sudden shifts of mood – but neither of us had expected him to agree to the tattoo so readily. “A ring is probably not a good idea once we travel again, and I like the idea of Rose’s name on my skin.”

I blushed furiously. I had thought the exact same thing.

“If that’s all right with you, Rose,” he added.

I looked up at him. “Fine,” I croaked.

Fenia smiled. “Excellent. I’ll take care of the necessary arrangements. Oh, and Rose, you’ll have to spend Tuesday night at Pagao with me. Yoru is going to stay with the Doctor.”

“Hen night,” I grinned, using the English expression for lack of the Ruulim equivalent. Fenia looked at me, puzzled. “The night before the wedding. On Earth we celebrate it with lots of drinks and... and a stripper. Last night of freedom.”

“Oh. Well, it’s a bit different here, but if that’s what you’d like to do...”

“No. No, I’m sorry. I think I prefer the Ruulim way.”

Fenia and I left together, but before we went our separate ways, she took my hand and squeezed it. There was something she wanted to tell me, but she was struggling for words, and when she was finally ready to speak we were no longer alone.

“Is everything all right, Fenia?” I asked in concern.

She nodded hastily. “I’ll tell you tomorrow, yes?”

Although I was reluctant to let her go just like that there was nothing else I could do. I was lost in thought when I took the stairs down to the entrance of the library. Tayar was already waiting for me, and for a brief moment I thought I was late.

“Is something wrong?” I asked.

Nodding, he touched my elbow and guided me to his small office. In the time that he had been giving me lessons, I had come to like the place. Like Sho, the outer rooms of the Observatory’s lower level looked out over the river, whereas the rooms across the corridor had partly been hewn out of the stone and were windowless. They were the stock-rooms proper. It was usually so cool down there that I brought a thin jacket or a shawl.

Tayar’s office had a fireplace, but as he was used to the cold he only ever used it in winter. I still couldn’t quite imagine what winter in Lufana was like, but now that the breeze had started to blow continually, Tayar had assured me that I would find out soon enough. The breeze heralded the winter winds, and with it would come the rain.

The room was filled with books and papers, but they were neatly organised, putting even the TARDIS library to shame. Tayar’s desk, on the other hand, was an utter mess. We always had to rearrange things before we could start to work.

“It’s Setiu, isn’t it?” I said, sighing as I sat in my usual chair.

Again, he nodded and gave me a sheaf of request slips. I looked through them. They were all unsigned, but what little I could gather from the titles they all referred to books and papers Fenia needed for her thesis.

“Do you want me to find these for you?” I asked, unsure of what to make of the slips. Tayar didn’t talk much, and he had taught me to draw my own conclusions based on the information I had. I had never told him that, but that was exactly what had helped me with my own little project.

“I’ve already got them,” he said, gesturing at a bag of books sitting by the cold fireplace. He sat down in his chair. “I was hoping you could help me with something.”

I nodded for him to go ahead, still not sure what to expect. If he’d wanted me to take these books to Fenia, he would have just said so. It was my job, after all.

“Fenia is my sovvalu.”

I blinked. Sovvalu translated as dear friend, and the Ruulim used it to refer to their soul-mates, their lovers. Fenia had never mentioned that she and Tayar were together. I wanted to feel surprised and disappointed that she’d never told me, particularly since she knew that he and I were working together. But I knew that I had no right to feel this way, not after what the Doctor and I had kept from her and Yoru.

“Setiu is making life difficult for her, and there’s someone in the library who does her bidding. She’ll soon know about these books. Fenia desperately needs them, but Setiu will make them unavailable to her. That is unless someone borrows them first. I have sneaked in one or two other books that might be of interest to the Doctor and you. So if you could take these up to him and ask him to sign them out, you would help Fenia a lot.”

Never before had I heard Tayar make such a long speech. Anger flared up inside me as I learned of Setiu’s scheming, and I nodded without giving this any further thought. Setiu had messed with my life too, and I still felt I owed Fenia. “Of course. I’ll do it right away.”

“M’aruu, Rose.” Like Yoru, Tayar pronounced my name with a short, open o. I no longer found it strange; I had so gotten used to it that I would probably miss it when we left. I took the bag and the slips, and went back to the Doctor’s office. I wondered if this was what Fenia had been about to tell me in the hall, or if it was something else altogether.

 

-:-

The Doctor and I agreed on the design of the tattoo very quickly. The circular design he had used for my necklace seemed to be a good idea for the tattoo as well. It was to be an inch in diameter, and I was to get the Doctor’s name and the essence of his vow in Gallifreyan script, and vice versa. I hated the idea of giving away the essence of my vow, and so we decided he’d complete the design of his tattoo after the ceremony. Fenia, when I asked her about it the next day, said it was all right.

I left the Doctor to his work after we’d agreed on the design, and went to the loggia to translate the rest of the Old Ruulim poem I found in the book. After I had returned the signed request slips to Tayar, he had left me to work on my own, and I had found that apart from some small things, my translation had been accurate. Once I had found the key to unlocking the poetry’s mysteries, it turned out to be quite easy to translate. The book the old man had given me at the Barracan fair was a volume of love poetry that included some traditional wedding vows. One was more beautiful than the last, and they all held something that was true about the Doctor and me. So I decided to look for the most suitable lines and create my own version of it.

He came to bed long after I had fallen asleep, but at least he did grant himself bit of rest. He lay curled up in bed next to me when I woke the next morning, naked from the waist up. I snuggled up to him, draping my arm over his side and flattening my palm against his chest so I could feel the beating of his hearts, which was slow and regular. I nuzzled his shoulder and back with my lips and curled my fingers into the hair on his chest. He hummed in his sleep and covered my hand with his, drawing me closer to him.

“Doctor,” I whispered.

He sighed. Moving against me slightly to mould his back to the curve of my body.

“Doctor, it's time to get up,” I whispered, lifting my head.

“Not yet,” he mumbled, pulling up my hand to kiss my fingers.

I rested my cheek against his back, pushing my left arm underneath him to make myself more comfortable. “I really like lying with you here, like this,” I sighed.

He replied with that small adorable sound that accompanied his grins.

“But we really have to get up now,” I said, kissing his shoulder.

“Rose,” he sighed, pushing my hand down to his crotch. His penis was still soft, but that could change quickly. I didn't move my hand apart from cupping him with it.

“Shower?” I suggested.

“Mm yes,” he said, finally turning around. Kissing me, he added, “I'd really like to make love to you. It's our last morning together.”

A shiver ran down my spine and I felt myself tense. Of course, he was talking about the following morning, which we were to spend apart, but I couldn't help thinking of the TARDIS. “Are you scared?” I asked.

“No. Why would I be scared by spend–” He interrupted himself when he noticed what I had implied. He drew me close. “Oh Rose.”

The fact that my question remained unanswered scared me more than anything, but if I allowed him to see my fear, he would refuse to follow through and he’d be stranded here forever.

-:-

The Doctor made love to me before I went to sleep at kitallun, because we had spent the morning only cuddling. It was slow and gentle, and he hardly spoke as we went back to the Observatory. I had my overnight bag with me since I would go straight to Pagao from there.

Before I went back to work Tayar told me, with a very soft smile, that Setiu had indeed wanted to make the books the Doctor had borrowed unavailable to Fenia. But he also said something else, something that left me puzzled. “No matter what happens, never for one moment allow yourself to distrust the Doctor..” He emphasized his words with a meaningful look, but before I could ask him what he was on about, he had already moved on.

Fenia picked me up at the library, and we left for Pagao after she had kissed Tayar and whispered something to him. We bought supper on the way there, and sat in the kitchen for a long while after we were finished, nursing our cups of wine (she had watered down mine a bit). I had no idea how the wedding would go, and eventually my curiosity got the better of me.

“What am I going to wear tomorrow?” I asked as we shared some fruit for dessert.

Fenia smiled and led me to their library. The dress I had worn on the night of the Burning of the Shawl was draped over a chair, but the crimson ribbons had been replaced with cream-coloured ones that shimmered in the warm light. “The Doctor chose it, but I had to change it a little. I hope you don’t mind.”

“I hadn’t even missed it,” I murmured, letting one of the ribbons slide through my fingers. It was cool and felt like passing your hand through a sheet of water. “This is beautiful.”

“There are no shoes,” Fenia said. “To keep your feet on the ground.”

I nodded. “Very... sensible.” I didn’t want to tell her how much I loved it that the Doctor walked about Sho mostly barefoot. It was so unusual for him, because for as long as we’d been travelling, his clothes had been like a suit of armour.

“Have you got the design for the tattoo?” she asked.

I retrieved my and the Doctor’s sketches from my bag and gave them to her. “He’ll complete mine when... we’re married. I didn’t want him to hear my vows before.”

“Those look beautiful,” she said.

“They’re based on his language, Gallifreyan. I have no idea what his characters say,” I told her.

“I’m sure it’s something beautiful,” she said.

“Where’s the tattoo going to be?”

Fenia shook her head. “I’ll tell you tomorrow. No need to worry about it now. Now, how do you feel about a proper girls’ night, with all the pampering and some wine?”

I smiled. “I’d love that.” I hadn’t had a proper girls’ night in ages; not since I started travelling. Whenever I had returned to Mum’s there had always been something that got in the way of Mum and my plans.

“Good. I’ve prepared the steam bath. You know, it used to be a cleansing ritual, but now it’s just about relaxing,” she explained.

“I’ve always wanted to try that,” I said. “But I could never afford it.”

Fenia looked at me in surprise. Of course, steam baths were quite common in a city that benefited from geothermal activity, and it was unimaginable to her that I had to pay lots of money to enjoy that back in good old London. “It can be quite overwhelming,” she said. “The heat and the humidity take some getting used to. But afterwards your skin feels as soft as a baby’s.”

I grinned. “We haven’t got a steam bath at Sho. The Doctor will love that.”

Fenia grinned.

-:-

I didn’t see the Doctor again until I went towards him in Liannufar Gardens. We had chosen the same tree under which we had sat weeks ago, during the ceremony of the Burning of the Shawl, for the wedding. I had spent the afternoon getting ready for the wedding at Pagao. Fenia had helped me with my hair, and she helped with the ribbons on the dress.

When we got to Liannufar Gardens shortly before dusk the Doctor and Yoru were already there, and even Tayar and a couple of others from the Observatory had come. But I only saw the Doctor. He was wearing the cream-coloured trousers and waistcoat he had worn at the ceremony, and a white shirt that he’d left open at the neck. The sleeves were rolled up to just below his elbows, and he was barefoot.

He spotted us, and the expression of awe and delight was priceless. It also made my heart beat even faster than it already was. This was really happening, I realised.

Fenia made me take off my shoes before I stepped onto the lawn, and to my own surprise I smiled self-consciously as Fenia led me to the Doctor and only let go of my hand when the Doctor reached for me. Fenia kissed me, then stepped away.

The Doctor beamed at me and enclosed my fingers firmly in his. “Imalun’ah. Tam shia ngarthu,” he whispered, bending to kiss my cheek. “I’ve missed you.”

A warm shiver coursed through me at that. I threaded my fingers through his. “And I you,” I replied softly. That day had been the longest we’d been separated since our arrival.

“Rose,” he said, his eyes warm and gentle and very clear. “Rose,” he said, a bit louder. He took a deep breath, then turned towards me before he said a couple of words in Gallifreyan.

That was it.

The wedding had started, just like that.

I didn’t understand his words, but his eyes spoke of his love, and that was enough for me. I listened to the music of his words, touched by the raw emotions in them, smiled as he faltered briefly. He never did that – he’d interrupt himself, go off on tangents, but he never faltered. The only words I recognised were his last words – they were the ones on my pendant. “Ngarthu sam, ngudia sam, avitanon.”

I smiled, mouthing my thanks, and we held each other’s gaze for a while.

Then Fenia gestured for me to speak my vows. I had decided to use English. The Doctor would understand, and the others knew we were from abroad.

My mouth was dry, and for a moment, my mind went blissfully blank. But then I remembered. “I have looked for the right words for a long time. And I have found that there are no words to describe what I feel for you.”

The Doctor smiled.

“I promised you forever once. My forever is shorter than yours, nothing, really, compared to what you have seen. It is all I have, and I’ll happily give it to you.” I faltered a bit at that point. The Doctor still smiled and gave my hand a little squeeze. “There’s a Ruulim poem I found,” I said, and then, in Ancient Ruulim, continued, “We travel together, your hand in mine. We stop for kitallun, your hand in mine. Then we move through the night, your hand in mine. We rest and we share our meal. Your hand is always in mine, even when we are apart. This I promise you. Avitanon. Forever.” The last word I added in Gallifreyan and in English.

When I had finished the Doctor’s eyes were swimming with tears. I reached up to cup his cheek for a quick reassuring touch.

Yoru stepped forward, holding a brown ribbon in his hand. He weaved it around our wrists in a figure eight and tied it with a neat bow, the ends dangling on either side of our hands. He kissed both of us on the forehead. Fenia followed suit, and tied a yellow ribbon around our wrists in the same way, and left us with a kiss. The ribbons’ ends fluttered gently in the breeze. Then Tayar slung and tied a blue ribbon around our wrists. He hesitated for a heartbeat before he kissed our foreheads, then retreated. The others followed suit, adding ribbons of red and green and white and black.

The Doctor cupped my jaw then, and drew me towards him for a passionate kiss. I tasted and felt him, the soft wetness of his mouth, and I thought that this was the beginning of forever. It was only when the others cheered that I regained my senses. We separated, smiling sheepishly at each other. Then the others came and hugged us and offered their congratulations.

And that was it. We were married.

I chuckled, then laughed, and the Doctor joined in, drawing me to him in an awkward embrace, our tied hands trapped between us, the colourful ribbons dancing between our pale clothes.

-:-

Tayar, and then someone else, had taken our photo, first just the two of us, then with Fenia and Yoru, and then someone else had taken the camera so Tayar could be in the photo as well. I couldn’t wait to send this photo to Mum, and the thought of her not being here was the only thing that marred this wonderful day for me. But I carried that close to my heart and hid it away. I did miss her, but it was also my day, our day, and I didn’t want it ruined by tears about something that couldn’t be changed.

Fenia, Tayar and Yoru accompanied us to the tattoo parlour. All the way there, our wrists remained tied together, and people in the street would stop and offer their best wishes. An almost overwhelming wave of gratitude washed over me at that, and the Doctor had to brush away one or two tears of joy.

Dusk was settling quite quickly, and by the time we reached our destination, it was completely dark outside. The tattoo parlour, however, was brightly lit. I’d been to such a place once, in London, with Shareen, and the memories I had of that place weren’t the most pleasant. This parlour was completely different. It was a welcoming place that was clean but not cold, and the room to which they led us was tastefully decorated and eased my anxiety.

I was to go first, because the design for my tattoo was already finished. Fenia untied the knots, and I settled down in the comfortable chair. “What happens to the ribbons?” I asked.

“I’ll cut them up and tie them around your wrist when you’re done,” Fenia replied. She sat down on a footstool next to me and took my right hand. “The tattoo goes on the inside of your left wrist,” she said.

It hurt. When the needle first touched my skin it was cool, but then it bit me, and the spot was all fire and pain. Tears rose in my eyes, and I sucked in the air. I tightened my hold on Fenia’s hand, grateful for her support yet at the same time wishing the Doctor could be here. When I looked down on my left wrist, held in a firm grip by the artist, I saw what he was doing. Droplets of blood sprung up, and he used a cool cloth to wipe them away. I averted my eyes. It wasn’t that I couldn’t bear the sight of blood – it just helped me to ignore the pain.

“Talk to me,” I breathed, looking intently at Fenia.

The pain lessened after a while.

At one point, the Doctor took Fenia’s place; he held my hand and kissed me.

Then it was over.

And the strangest thing was that the finished tattoo, although ugly and dark against the red skin of my wrist, left me with a feeling of exhilaration. I felt light-headed and a bit woozy as the artist rubbed a salve into the tortured skin, then wrapped it with a clean white bandage. I smiled, trading places with the Doctor.

Fenia came to tie the ribbons over the bandage, just as she’d promised. Then she left and I took the Doctor’s left hand so the artist could set to work on his wrist. A light sheen of sweat broke out on the Doctor’s face, and I wiped it away with a cloth I was given. “It’ll be beautiful,” I said, watching the artist work on the Doctor’s pearly skin.

“Yes,” he hissed, his eyes glassy.


	21. Twenty-One: Blood

Twenty-One  
Blood

The Doctor stared at the bandage and the ribbons covering it for a while, probably debating if he should heal the wound with his sonic. He looked up when I slipped my hand into his, the bandages and ribbons right next to each other. “Shall we?” I asked. Fenia had arranged for supper at Pagao, and Fenia and the rest of the wedding guests had gone ahead while the tattoos were finished and awaited our arrival. On our way there people smiled at us and offered their congratulations. Thankfully, the stone slabs of the pavement were still warm from the day, and swept clean, as usual, so that walking barefoot was actually quite pleasant.

The breeze had picked up a little, and the tops of the trees moved in the wind that offered some relief from the heat. Still, there were no clouds, but at least now there was the sound of leaves rustling and fabric fluttering. I imagined the tinkling of the wind chimes at Sho in the wind.

The supper Fenia had prepared was a feast with enough food for twice the number of people, and everyone who had attended the wedding had stayed to celebrate with us. We sat on the lawn at the centre of Pagao's garden, surrounded by braziers and lanterns, and there was. The pain of the tattoo was soon forgotten, although I couldn't help touching the bandage and fingering the ribbons on my wrist. Time and again my thoughts would return to the tattoo, and I wondered what the Doctor's vow had been about – and what it was he could only tell me.

At one point several of the guests produced musical instruments and we all got up to dance along Pagao’s cloisters. The Doctor whirled me around, then Yoru took over for a while before passing me on to Tayar. I’d danced with every man there when The Doctor found me, sweeping me into his arms.

“I think it's time,” he whispered, his eyes full of laughter and lust.

I sobered immediately, nodding. He set me down. After we’d said our thanks and bid everyone good night we walked to Sho, mostly undisturbed because no one was out and about anymore. When we reached our home he swept me off my feet again and carried me all the way to his bedroom. We laughed in surprise as we found it bathed in candlelight. Someone from the party must have come to Sho shortly before we left and done it. There were candles and lanterns everywhere, and the set of wind chimes was tinkling in front of one of the windows. On the coffee table before the fireplace there were some bread and cheese and fruit, and water.

The Doctor picked his way through the candles and gently put me on my feet in front of the bed. “This is beautiful,” I said, breathless, taking it all in.

“No,” he said, taking my hands. “You are beautiful, Rose.”

My heart clenched, and I felt a bit light-headed at his openness and the raw emotion in his voice. I didn't know what to say.

“I believe now is the time to tell you,” he said, smiling nervously, faltering a bit.

“You don't have to,” I offered.

“Yes. Yes, I do. I want to,” he said. Then, drawing in a deep breath, he continued, “Thank you, for accepting me as your husband. Your love is humbling, and I don't know what I've done to deserve it. I promise you I will do everything, anything, to keep you safe and happy. Least of all because Jackie would make me regenerate if I didn't.”

His last words lightened the mood somewhat, but still I felt tears come to my eyes.

“You have saved my life, Rose Tyler, and so I'm yours. Please accept the gift of who I am. This is my name,” he continued. Then he bent, touching my elbow, and whispered his name into my ear.

I'd never expected him to tell me his real name, and if I'd thought that what he’d said was beautiful, then his name was beyond beautiful. I cannot repeat what he said, and words fail me when I try to describe it. This gesture of trust and love made my brimming eyes spill over, and I stood there, unmoving, as the full meaning of what he’d just given me sunk in.

“Thank you,” I whispered, my voice thick with tears. “I love you, Doctor.”

He exhaled shakily. “I love you too. Now, don't cry, Rose Tyler,” he said, brushing away my tears with his thumbs, “It's our wedding night.”

I nodded, smiling, but my “Yeah” got stuck in my throat.

There was a bowl with soapy water and a flannel at the foot of the bed. I sat down on the bed and the Doctor wet the flannel in the water to wash my feet – that, too, was part of a Ruulim wedding. When he was finished, he didn't just stop there. He ran his fingertips up my calves beneath the fabric of my skirt. I smiled as he marvelled at the softness of my skin. Fenia had been right, of course; the steam bath had worked wonders, and as the Doctor ran his hands up my thighs I shivered in anticipation. I sucked in the air as he brushed the lace of my knickers with his thumbs.

“Doctor,” I whispered.

He looked up at me with such reverence in his eyes that I didn’t have it in me to tell him to stop. Propping myself up on one hand behind me, I reached out and pushed my hand through his hair. His eyes fluttered shut, and, cupping the back of his head, I pulled him up to me for a kiss. The air was cold on my skin when he let go of me.

We kissed, just lips on lips at first, but as soon has he had settled on the bed next to me I deepened the kiss. Still, it was gentle and playful, and we enjoyed it for quite a while, breaking only briefly to breathe. We were both reluctant to let go of each other.

Eventually, however, I withdrew. I slid off the bed, crouching in front of him so I could return the favour of washing his feet. He jumped a little as I lightly ran the flannel over the sole of his foot. I looked up, tongue between my teeth. “Ticklish?”

“A bit, yeah,” he said, smiling sheepishly.

I nodded. I’d never really paid much attention to his feet before. Why would I? The novelty of him walking around barefoot had worn off, and my fetish was more about his hands than his feet. They were huge and hard, from all the padding around – mine were probably quite calloused by now too. I applied a bit more pressure as I washed his feet, and he didn’t jump anymore. Tonight was not the night for games.

When I was finished I put the bowl and flannel away so we didn’t trip over it. The Doctor reached out for me as I turned back to him. I took his hand and let him pull me towards him so I stood between his knees. He just looked at me, holding both my hands lightly. His eyes were dark and fathomless in the candlelight, and when he didn’t say anything I felt a bit nervous.

He seemed to pick up on that, trailing his fingertips up my arms to cup my shoulders, then following the arch of my collarbones until his fingers found my new pendant. He smiled softly to himself, ghosting his fingers over my breasts until they came to rest on the ribbons that tied the bodice of my dress. Tugging at one ribbon, he loosened the bow Fenia had tied, and reached around me to unwrap the dress. The air was cool on my skin as the fabric fell away from below my breasts, and I sighed. While Fenia hadn’t tied the ribbons tightly, I had still felt hot.

“You’re very quiet tonight,” I said, resting my hands on his bare forearms.

“I’m sorry,” he said, looking up at me. Then he drew me towards him as he scooted forward, wrapped his arms around me and rested his head against my chest. My hands automatically went to his head, to cradle him and run my fingers through his hair.

“I can’t believe we’re married,” he said. “You’re my wife now, Rose.”

I laughed. “Yeah, I am. And you’re my husband.”

He withdrew, his eyes solemn. “Please kiss me, Rose.”

I did, but this time his movements against me and inside me felt desperate, as if this was a good-bye forever. I pushed him away. “Doctor, what’s wrong?”

“I...” he began, but stopped himself, and then he smiled, as if he were brushing away a nasty thought with it. “I want to make love to you all night.”

“I’d love that,” I said, unwilling to ask him about his mercurial mood shift. I had a fairly good idea of what kind of darkness it was that had enveloped his hearts, and I didn’t want it to catch a hold of him again. Not tonight.

I undid the buttons on his waistcoat and then those of his shirt, pushing them both off his shoulders and down his arms in one go, careful not to hurt his bandaged wrist. He leaned back on his hands so I could undo the fastenings of his trousers, and he raised his hips for me so I could pull them off. I didn’t touch his pants.

“Take them off, too,” he said.

I held his gaze for a moment before I dropped to my knees in front of him. Just like he had earlier, I ran my hands up his legs, starting at his ankles, shifting from the outside of his legs to the insides. He spread his legs a little as my hands wandered upwards, and raised his hips off the mattress so I could pull the pants off him. I took his hardening cock into my mouth. He bucked a little at that, hissing as I started to caress him with my lips and tongue. He grew, and I used my hands to help when my mouth wasn’t enough.

He touched my head as the same time as I felt him tense, a gesture that usually made me stop, but I chose to ignore it. I wanted him whole the first time that night. He bucked into my mouth as he came with a strangled cry.

Wiping my mouth I got up and fetched some water, washing his taste down. I climbed onto the bed beside him where he lay, breathless, his eyes closed. I smoothed my palm against his damp chest and felt the thumping of his hearts, first the left, then the right. Eventually, he covered my hand with his and looked at me. “I didn’t want you to do that.”

“But I did,” I said, smiling apologetically.

He trailed his fingers over the ribbons and bandage on my wrist, just lightly enough so his touch didn’t hurt the tender skin beneath. “There’s no stopping you, is there?” he mused.

I shook my head.

He sat up, kneeling in front of me. “You’re overdressed.”

Smiling, I raised my arms above my head so he could pull the loose dress up and over my head. He brushed it aside and it rustled to the floor where there were no candles.

“Lie down.”

I didn’t know why but I hesitated a bit before I did.

He turned, still kneeling, to look at me. Having brushed an errant lock of hair from my face, he trailed the backs of his fingers down my cheek. “Relax, Rose. Can you do that for me?”

“I’ll try.”

The Doctor sighed. Then he took my hand, and as he held it he began to run his free hand over my body, traced its contours, but never stopped in one place. His gaze followed his hand, and that seemed to do the trick. My eyes fluttered shut and I relaxed under his gentle touch. At one point, he let go of my hand, placed it on his thigh, and put his hand beneath the mound of my left breast. My heart was beating slowly but regularly.

Obviously pleased with what he felt, his hands set off on yet another journey of discovery.

“That feels good,” I mumbled.

To my surprise the Doctor remained silent. I felt the mattress dip as he moved towards my legs. He lifted my left leg and ran his fingers along the soft skin there. I smiled as he wrapped his fingers around my ankle. He shifted again, and when he let go of my leg, it came to rest across his lap. He drew a pattern on the inside of my thigh.

“’s that your name?” I asked, opening my eyes.

“Yes,” he said, finishing the last letter very close to my knickers. I shivered with pleasure.

“I’d like to hear it again,” I said.

He shook his head. “Not now, Rose.”

“’kay.”

He caressed my legs for a while, coming ever closer to my knickers, and when I drew up my right leg in invitation I felt the comparatively cool air brush against the dampness that had gathered between my legs. He moved away from me, allowing my legs to fall open. When he cupped my crotch, it came as a complete surprise, and I jumped. He smiled.

“Can you take them off for me?” I asked.

He did, throwing them somewhere, and before I knew it he had moved between my legs and hooked them over his thighs as he knelt between them. He helped me sit up so he could kiss me. As we deepened the kiss, my hand drifted down his stomach to his cock. It was soft and heavy in my palm, but as soon as I closed my fist around it, it began to harden.

The Doctor moaned into my mouth.

Thus encouraged, I stroked him. I didn’t allow him to kiss me, dodging his lips as he tried to capture mine. He moaned, desperate.

“Where’s the gel, Doctor?” I whispered close by his ear.

He reached for the jar on the makeshift bedside table, opened it and held it out for me. I dipped my fingers into the cool gel and then wrapped my hands around his erection, carefully rubbing the gel onto it. His eyes rested on me as I did that, and I knew how much it cost him to keep them open.

“I think that’s enough,” he breathed eventually, returning the jar to the chair.

I moved closer to him, shifting at the same time so I, too, was kneeling. He wrapped his arms around me as I rested one hand on his shoulders for support and aligned him with me with the other.

He groaned my name as I sank down on him, taking him in as far as I could. One of his hands drifted down to cup my bum so he could pull me closer. “Don’t move. Not just yet,” he whispered as I sat in his lap.

Cradling his head, I kissed him.

“Don’t move,” he said as I had to come up for air. “Not yet.”

It was so hard, but it was also one of the most beautiful things in the world, sitting there in a close embrace, with him buried deep inside me. I sighed, resting my cheek against his temple.

“You give me peace, Rose Tyler,” the Doctor whispered, “when we are together like this. Whenever we are together, but especially when you make love to me.”

I didn’t know what to say. What was there to say to a declaration of love like that? I wanted to crawl into him and hold him and be one with him even more than we already were. “I love you,” I said.

-:-

Returning to the real world was even more of a shock that Friday than Monday had been. We had totally forgotten about everything outside Sho; we had made love off and on all weekend, and I felt pleasantly tired and sore.

I was returning from an errand for the Doctor when I saw him in his office with Setiu. She was standing very close to him, holding his right wrist, tracing the tattoo of my vows with her fingers between the wedding ribbons. It had been the briefest of glimpses, but I would never forget that image. I quickly stepped behind the half-open door so they didn’t see me. Trying to calm my breathing down, I leaned against the door frame.

“Suits you,” Setiu said very softly.

“Yeah? I wasn’t quite sure,” the Doctor replied, in a tone that suggested he was used to talking to her privately.

“It’s the accalein’s vow, isn’t it?”

“Yeah.”

They were talking about me. I’d been called coral girl before, but when people used it, it was an expression of surprise, or something akin to awe, but never had it sounded so derogatory. I felt my knees go weak. The Doctor had agreed with Setiu, his voice carrying a sigh as if he were annoyed.

“What could she possibly give you?” Setiu asked. Her voice was practically a purr now. “I’ve been wondering for quite a while.”

“She adores me,” he scoffed.

That stung. I blushed furiously, and at the same time I felt unable to breathe. I had to get out of there.

“No reason to marry her,” Setiu continued.

Despite myself, I peeked around the edge of the door. Setiu was even closer to the Doctor now, holding his wrist with both her hands. The Doctor was smiling at her.

“Well,” he drawled. “Makes certain other things even more exciting, don’t you think?”

That double-crossing bastard. I felt tears welling up – I bit my lip. I’d been close to tears fairly often lately, and I hated myself for that weakness. I could barely breathe in the closeness of the small office. I needed to get out, I needed air.

Carelessly tossing the papers and the bag with our lunch on my desk, I fled, throwing the door closed behind me. I didn’t care if they heard my hasty exit. I didn’t care about anything. All I cared about was getting away as quickly as possible, as far as possible.

“Rose?” Tayar's voice echoed through the hall behind me. I hadn't seen him; I slowed down a bit, hesitating. I was torn between wanting to be left alone and needing someone to listen to me.

“Rose!”

I stopped, but didn't turn around. Tayar hurried towards me, and when he reached me touched the small of my back. “Come on Rose, let's have lunch.”

“'m not hungry,” I managed, my voice thick with tears.

“Please, Rose,” he said.

“I...” I began, wanting to be left alone. “I saw something, Tayar.”

He nodded knowingly. “Setiu.”

“Yes.”

Tayar hesitated a split second before he wrapped his arm around my shoulders. “Come on,” he said gently.

“Where to?”

“Where ever you want.”

“Can we go somewhere outside the Observatory?”

He took me to a small garden in a square off the main street, steering me with his hand in the small of my back. I didn't pay any attention to where we were going – if he'd left me there, it'd have taken me a while to find my way back to the Observatory. On the far side of the main road was the oldest part of Lufana, and it was a maze of narrow streets and alleys.

We settled in the shade of an ancient tree, which was one of the best spots in the garden and which we only got because we were early for our lunch break. He made me eat and drink, and we shared our meal in silence, his calm rubbing off on me. The shock of seeing the Doctor flirt with Setiu had numbed me, and it took me quite a while to regain my senses. Still, I couldn't believe my eyes. Couldn't believe that he'd flirt so unashamedly with Setiu after our wedding, after the night and day we had spent making love.

“I...” I began eventually, but didn't know how to go on. My thoughts were still a mad whirl.

“I'm sorry, Rose,” Tayar said, exhaling. “I'm sorry we have to put you through this.”

I blinked. What was he talking about? His words slowly broke through the foggy confusion of my mind. “You know about this?”

And just when the words had left my mouth, I remembered: No matter what happens, never for one moment allow yourself to distrust the Doctor. I closed my mouth, and I felt the colour drain from my face.

“He hates it,” Tayar began. “He hates her. He's doing it because it's the only way to bring her down.”

I nodded, although the meaning of his words hadn't registered with me.

“He wants her to trust him,” Tayar went on. “He wants her to tell him what it is she wants to do. He managed to convince her that he really needs the books he signed out for Fenia. I'm so sorry, Rose. I shouldn't be telling you this.”

“Why?” I asked dumbly, still too busy to digest what he had just told me. “So it hurts me more?”

Tayar sighed.

I opened and closed my mouth several times.

“I can't believe it,” I said eventually. How dare he do it without my knowing? Didn't he have any idea of what his flirting with Setiu would do to me? The way he had spoken to her, about me, it seemed so real; he really was an excellent actor. “Why didn't he tell me?” I whispered. I looked at Tayar. “Why does he make me pay the price?”

“You weren't supposed to learn about it that way,” Tayar offered.

I snorted. “Too bad I did.”

“Please, Rose. We had to act quickly, there was no time to tell you, or even to come up with an alternate plan,” he said.

“Yeah,” I said flatly. I could understand that, it was perfectly reasonable. And still it hurt.

We stayed in the small garden over kitallun, and after watching the people a bit I eventually dozed off. I hadn’t thought that possible, because my mind was still reeling with what I’d seen, and with Tayar’s revelations. I understood their reasoning, and I even approved of it, but I was still hurt. The Doctor was a really good actor, but because I had seen so much of the real him lately, I had completely forgotten about that particular talent when I’d seen him and Setiu. I wasn’t sure how I would react when he picked me up to go home.

When he came to meet me at the library that night he seemed preoccupied. His face lit up, however, as soon as he saw me. I attempted a smile for him, but when I did the image of him and Setiu popped up and poisoned it. Tayar was nearby, and I saw him nod when the Doctor said, “You know.”

The Doctor stopped where he was. He must have heard the door slam shut as I fled the office, and the penny suddenly dropped and he stopped where he was, his face suddenly pale. At that moment I couldn’t help smiling. He must have been giving himself a hard time over the decision, and I realised I couldn’t be angry with him over this, not really. I fetched my bag and went to him – he hadn’t moved at all – and took his hand as it hung beside him in dejection. “Time to go home,” I said softly.

He closed his fingers around mine and gave them a little squeeze. Then we left.

On our way home we went to the market, and it was only there that we spoke; even then it was only about the things we needed to buy. When we had everything we needed, the Doctor finally said, “We need to talk.”

“Let’s wait until we get back to Sho, yeah?” I suggested, smiling softly to comfort him.

At Sho I went straight to the kitchen to put away the food and to get something to drink. After I’d had a sip of water, the Doctor took my water bottle and put it on the table, next to his, which he hadn’t touched. “Rose.”

He was clearly frustrated by my reluctance to talk to him. I still had no idea what to say, so when he wrapped his arms around me to hold me close, I surprised both of us.

“I hated it when she touched your tattoo. And I don’t want you to kiss her.”

“I won’t,” he breathed, dropping a kiss onto the crown of my head. “May I kiss you?”

“Please.”

His lips crashed against mine, and as he pulled me even closer I could feel the rapidly hardening ridge of his penis press into my stomach. His hand came to rest on my bum, and as the kiss became less bruising he slid it down my thigh to pull up my leg. His hand sneaked beneath my skirt and I gasped when he brushed his fingers over the crotch of my knickers.

“Bedroom,” I choked. The Doctor let go of me, pulling me across the cloister garden behind him towards his bedroom. Once inside, he made a beeline for the jar on the chair. While I took off my knickers, he set to work with the gel, and the next thing I knew he had backed me against the wall. Hiking my skirt up I wrapped my leg around his to line him up with me, and then he pushed into me with one swift stroke.

I winced at that, sore as I was from our honeymoon, but as he set a rhythm of powerful strokes I forgot about my discomfort. I even encouraged him, wanting to forget about my earlier pain. It was over soon, and we slid, panting, to the floor.

“I’m so sorry, Rose,” the Doctor said after a while.

“You had to act quickly,” I said, taking his hand, “it was just bad timing.”

He leaned in to kiss me, gently this time.

-:-

The plan was to find out as much as possible about Setiu’s intentions. And since she adored the Doctor, he, Fenia and Yoru had decided to take advantage of that. It meant, of course, that we had to keep our distance from them at the Observatory so Setiu didn’t get suspicious. It was a good plan, but I hated the fact that she got her dirty hands on him, and that we had to pretend not to be friends with the siblings.

We spent the weekend very much like we had spent the day off – in bed, making love, and enjoying our time together. The Doctor was working on the formula for the acca paste that would help the TARDIS, and although he had had some good results he still wasn’t satisfied. But it was becoming clear that time was quickly running out now, that the TARDIS had been holding out far longer than we’d thought she could, and that she wouldn’t be able to endure much more.

“Tomorrow,” I told him on Sunday night. “We’ll do it tomorrow.”

The Doctor looked startled by my decision, a little overwhelmed too, as I stood before him in the study. He pulled his glasses off his nose and opened his mouth to say something. I covered his lips with my fingers. “Tomorrow.”

He held my gaze for a moment or two, and when he nodded I could see that he was relieved that I’d taken charge and made the decision for him. “Thank you,” he said when I let him speak.

On Monday I was getting supper ready while he was making the last preparations. Fenia and Yoru had promised to come and help, and as soon as they arrived we would set to work, and eat afterwards. I don’t know why we did this; the last time I had looked into the TARDIS no one had eaten anything for a long time. The Doctor’s regeneration sickness had meant he hadn’t been able to eat for quite a while, and I had been too heartbroken to feel like eating until after he was better.

The Doctor had refined the acca paste as best he could, and when Fenia and Yoru arrived, we spread what we had of the paste on the surfaces of the TARDIS the Doctor had chosen. Our friends overcame the shock of seeing the bigger inside of the TARDIS quite quickly, and I think the fact that the coral was burnt caused them more concern than the impossibility of bigger insides. When we had finished applying the paste, we stood silently together with the bowls in our hands and looked at our handiwork. A thick coat of golden paste covered the burnt coral. It was heartbreaking to look at, and pathetic too, because there was so little of the paste for the vastness of the whole ship.

“And now?” Yoru eventually, bravely, asked. We had been waiting for someone to ask that question, to relieve us of the decision to go ahead.

“Now I must ask you to leave the TARDIS,” the Doctor said. “It’s just Rose and me now. For your protection.”

Yoru looked a bit disappointed, but Fenia nodded knowingly. Having collected our bowls she took her brother by the arm and steered him outside,. She pulled the door shut behind her, and the Doctor and I were left in the dimly lit console room.

“Well,” I said, taking a deep breath. “This is it.”

The Doctor, too, drew a shuddering breath. “Yeah.”

“Promise me not to regenerate,” I said, stepping towards him.

I knew he was about to say he couldn’t promise me that, but nevertheless he nodded, attempting a smile. “I love you, Rose Tyler.”

I smiled and stood on tiptoe to kiss him; just a gentle touch of lips on lips.

He set his jaw afterwards, and removed a panel on the console, the one that Mickey had so brutally ripped off a year before.

Bright light suddenly illuminated the darkness, and, blinking, I stepped towards it. Just like the Doctor had told me I tried to fill my mind with only one thought, that of wanting the TARDIS to look into me and take back what he hadn’t when he’d kissed me to save my life. Over and over I repeated it, until the words flowed into each other and whirled about each other and I didn’t know where one thought ended and the next began.

A soft song began to waft towards me from the light. It was beautiful and terrible at the same time. I stepped closer so it could envelop me, carry me away as it had that first time. I felt weightless, yet I saw the burden of knowing about everything there was, had been, and would be. It drove tears to my eyes, it was at once horrible and alluring. I gasped when a jolt went through me as the heart of the TARDIS connected with me, and it was so hard to stick to my mantra, but somehow I managed to remember the words.

I wasn’t afraid, not any more, and I opened myself completely to her as she reached out for me.

“Take what you need, take what is yours.”

And she did.

Parting with that little bit of the vortex I’d carried inside me that long long year was painful, leaving behind an emptiness I felt couldn’t be filled with anything else. I cried out in pain and desperation, screamed at her to give it back. But already the golden tendrils of her heart were releasing me from their embrace, and I stumbled as I felt the loss.

“Please!” I whimpered. “Please don’t take it away, please don’t do it. It hurts so much. I...”

The pain was beyond bearable, the pain of both body and mind. All I wanted was to be rid of it, to be as I was before.

“Please,” I cried.

I couldn’t bear it anymore. I sank to my knees, weighed down with the loss.

“Please.”

Finally, as if my wish had been granted, oblivion wrapped its dark cloak around me, and I was comfortable.


	22. Twenty-Two: Scars

Twenty-two  
Scars

Weightless and calm and free of pain, I was floating in a pool of light and warmth, as if I’d just jumped into a turquoise pool from the three-metre board. But I could breathe and see and I wasn’t buoyed upwards to the surface. I was floating, suspended in time and space, and it was wonderful.

There were voices, frantic voices, but I couldn’t make out whose they were, or what they were saying. I didn’t much care. After my loss, after a part of me had been ripped away, I didn’t want to care. I wanted to stay where it was peaceful and quiet, and where things didn’t hurt so much.

I closed my eyes to shut out the voices. I could still breathe, which was good.

All I wanted was for them to leave me alone for a while.

Even though the darkness had come to reclaim me, I still felt warm and safe. As I had the first time, I went willingly because I knew that it was good.

-:-

When I came to a while later I no longer felt like I was floating. The bedding was firm around me, but the support it provided was comfortable, cocoon-like. The wind chimes were tinkling, but other than that the room was quiet. I opened my eyes to find the room bathed in the soft light of only one lantern that sat on my bedside table. The wick was as short as possible to keep the light low, and yet I had to blink several times. I tried to shield my eyes from the light, but someone had covered me with a sheet and I couldn’t raise my hand; it was completely unexpected because I hadn’t slept with a sheet in a long time. I quickly realised, however, that it was because the room was cool.

The winter winds.

Then I remembered.

My heart clenched, and it was difficult to breathe. I knew I was fine, but what about the Doctor? I lay very still, both unwilling and unable to move. It was silly, really, the thought that my stillness would change the world, would make anything bad un-happen. Like the Doctor’s regeneration.

If he really had regenerated, he’d need my help; I couldn’t bear the thought of him being so sick and alone during that time.

From the corner of my eye I caught movement in the open door. The dim light of the lantern on my bedside table didn’t reach far enough, so all I saw when I turned my head was the dark form of a man silhouetted against the light of the cloister.

The height was about right, and the slender figure. He was holding two bottles in one hand – his hand was still large enough to hold them easily. Still, I didn’t dare relax.

“Doctor?” I rasped, my voice cracked from the screaming and lack of drink.

“You’re awake,” he said.

It was his voice. Not a stranger’s. It was his voice.

It took me a while to digest this information. Sitting up helped to clear my mind, even if I was a little dizzy at first. “Are you all right?” I croaked.

Finally, he moved, detaching himself from the blackness of the door frame and coming towards me. I shifted a little because I was blocking the light, and when it reached him I saw what my ears had already told me, that he was still my Doctor, unchanged, rude and not ginger. My hand flew to my mouth to stifle a sob and a laugh.

“I am now,” he said, climbing onto my bed. I reached out – I needed one last proof – to touch him, and was overjoyed when I felt the solidity of his chest beneath my palm, and the regular beat of his hearts. I launched myself at him, throwing my arms around his neck, toppling us onto the mattress with the power of my momentum. He laughed, and I laughed, then his arms came around me to hold me close.

“You’re still you.”

“Oh yes.”

“You’re not regenerating!” I pulled back a little, pushing myself up onto my hands. “You aren’t, are you?”

Smiling tenderly he pushed my hair out of my face. “No, Rose, I’m not. Everything is fine.”

“And the TARDIS?”

“She took what she needed,” he said very softly. “Rose, are you all right?”

I nodded. I was a little dizzy, but that was it. I still felt the emptiness, like a hole inside. But I had a sense that it wouldn’t be there long, that something would come along to fill it fairly soon.

The Doctor sat up and drew me into his arms again. “I’m so glad, Rose,” he whispered, peppering my face with kisses. “I thought... when you looked into her heart and she reached out for you... I’d thought I’d lose you.”

I remembered my screams, the agony of losing something that hadn’t been mine to begin with, but that had become a part of me nonetheless.

“I’m all right, Doctor.”

“Oh Rose,” he whispered, “how can I ever thank you for what you’ve done.” It wasn’t a question. There wasn’t an answer, and I didn’t want to hear it ever again. I’d only returned what wasn’t mine, what I’d been safeguarding – or withholding – for a year.

“Will she be all right?” I asked, pulling back a little.

“We’ll see,” the Doctor said. “We’ll have to wait and see.”

I nodded. I reached for one of the bottles and took a long drink. The water was cool and smooth against my dry throat, and I would have emptied the bottle in one gulp if he hadn’t stopped me.

“Easy, Rose,” he said. He took the bottle from me and replaced the stopper.

“What about Yoru and Fenia?”

“They stayed with you while I was with the TARDIS. They were a bit shocked, but... then you fell asleep and I could send them home. They didn’t want to leave,” he said. I coloured at his words and looked at my hands in my lap. I hated that I’d scared them, too. “They loved your soup, by the way,” the Doctor offered, sensing my discomfort, to lighten the mood.

It worked. I smiled. I was suddenly ravenous; we’d not eaten before we set to work on the TARDIS, so I’d not eaten since lunch. “Is there any left by any chance?”

He grinned, jumping up and pulling me off the bed to guide me out to the loggia. Sitting me down, he produced a bowl of soup and a piece of warm bread.. I wasn’t sure if it was just me or the soup, but I don’t think I’d tasted anything so delicious in a long time. When I’d finished the bowl and mopped up the last bits of the creamy soup with the bread, I felt pleasantly full, and tired. I took a shower, and when I joined the Doctor in the loggia again, I was ready for bed.

“Join me?” I asked, holding out my hand invitingly.

He pulled his glasses off his nose, slipped the bookmark in place and took my hand. “We should choose a bedroom,” the Doctor said as we stood in the hall between the doors. “One that is ours, rather than mine or yours.”

“Yeah. But not tonight. Let’s go to yours, your bed is bigger,” I decided.

After I’d settled down he lay down facing me. He was still in his trousers and shirt, whereas I was in my pyjamas. I reached out and caressed his stubbly cheek. “Satu? Until I’m asleep, at least?” I asked, a little disappointed.

“I’m sorry, Rose,” he said, catching my hand and placing a kiss on my palm. Then he noticed that I wasn’t wearing my bandage anymore. He pushed the ribbons aside to kiss the tattoo on the inside of my wrist. It was a beautiful tattoo, the blue lines swirling and intertwining on my pale skin. “There’s something I have to do, and I want to check in on the TARDIS.”

“Is it some super-secret Setiu thing?” I asked, resting my hand inside the open vee of his shirt.

He nodded.

“Do I need to know about it?” I asked, yawning.

“No, it’s better if you don’t.”

“Will it upset me?”

“It’s not... it’s not about flirting with her. It’s entirely professional,” he whispered.

“Good.” My eyes fluttered shut. I’d felt fine a couple of minutes ago, but now that I was in bed I could barely keep my eyes open, the exhaustion weighing down heavily on me.

“Mira lidde, Rose,” the Doctor said. “I love you.”

I mumbled something in reply, and the last thing I knew before I fell asleep was the soft press of his lips against my forehead.

-:-

My morning maklak failed to wake me the next morning. Although I'd gotten a good night's sleep – and a deep one at that, I couldn't remember dreaming – I still felt drained, and a bit dizzy. I didn't tell the Doctor how I was feeling. He looked at me once, concern evident in his eyes, but I reached up to kiss him and smiled. There were so many things going on with Setiu, and at the Observatory in general, that I didn't want to add to his worries. Fortunately, it was a quiet morning so I could rest a bit when no one came to his office.

I didn't eat much for lunch, and as we sat in our usual window-seat I found it hard to concentrate on what he was telling me. His voice swam in and out of focus, and the world seemed to move with an echo; it sometimes seemed as if the contours of bodies and things moved a split second after the rest. No matter how alluring kitallun was, I dreaded the journey home for it.

“Are you sure you're all right?” the Doctor asked as he stood. He had to leave early because of his work. It wasn't the first time that he had to work through kitallun, but it was the first time that he had to leave me by myself.

I smiled, and nodded my head. “Pick me up tonight?” I asked.

I had brought a book to while away the time, but I simply couldn’t find my way into the story, even more so because the book was in Ruulim. The letters and words seemed to come to life sometimes, dancing and shifting in front of my eyes. At other times, I had to go back three or even four times to make sense of what I'd just read.

After a while I gave up, letting my head fall back against the wall and closing my eyes. I listened to my heartbeat and breathing, but didn't find any comfort in that. All I wanted, at that moment, was to sink into oblivion again and know nothing. But that wasn't going to happen, of course.

I dozed off, and when I stood, I felt slightly better, but still going to the bathroom for a splash of cold water in my face and around my wrists seemed a good idea. But when I was halfway down the cloister, I felt the dizziness overwhelm me, and I remembered my earlier wish.

When my knees hit the stone slab floor in the hall the pain was more of a relief than added discomfort, and I also ignored the pain in my arms and my head when my mind finally surrendered to my body. And it felt oh so good.

-:-

“Rose? Rose!”

The voice sounded as if it were coming from a great distance, and through a thick layer of wool too. My knees and elbows hurt, and I felt very dizzy. And cold.

“Yeah?” I mumbled.

There was a hand on my shoulder, shaking me gently. “Rose!”

“’m here,” I said. Stop shouting, I can hear you.

“Rose, are you all right?” The voice was getting a bit clearer; it sounded vaguely like Tayar’s.

“I’m...” I began, still dizzy, but at least my thoughts stopped whirling about. I pushed myself up, and a pair of hands helped me, guided me to lean against the wall. I was so glad I didn’t have to stand right away. I blinked my eyes open. It was Tayar indeed. “What happened?” I asked.

He laughed nervously. “You tell me. Are you ill?”

“’m not feeling too well,” I said softly.

One of the students appeared next to Tayar, looking quickly from me to him as he coloured. He was slightly out of breath when he told Tayar that the Doctor was nowhere to be found. Tayar nodded, and thanked the youth. “Would you like me to take you home?” he asked.

I smiled. That sounded wonderful. “Yeah.” I was glad for an escape, because the small cloister was very busy around lunchtime, and my breakdown had caused quite a stir.

As soon as we arrived at Sho, I wished for nothing more than to lie down and sleep. Somehow, I had managed to keep myself upright and my feet cooperating until I reached my bedroom. My legs finally faltered a couple of steps away from my bed, but Tayar caught me and made me sit down.

“You’re running a fever,” he said, having touched my forehead.

“I’m cold,” I countered.

He smiled. “I’ll get you something to drink. You lie down and rest.”

I did as I was told, and as soon as I’d pulled the covers up over me – I’d managed to get the blanket from where I’d put it into the chest by the foot of my bed when we’d moved in – he appeared with a bottle of water.

“Don’t drink it all at once, no matter how thirsty you are,” he said.

“Thank you,” I murmured sleepily.

“I’ll be in the loggia. Can I borrow one of your books?”

“Sure,” I said, burrowing deeper under the covers and drifting off.

-:-

It was dark when I woke, and again the room was cast in the soft light of the lamp on my bedside table. Tayar must have lit it. I wondered briefly if he was still there.

I was still cold, but when I touched my forehead it was very hot, and my fingers came away damp. I groaned, dropping my hand next to my head on the pillow. How exhausting that movement was. How painful. I was shivering with pain and cold. Was that the winter fever? I closed my eyes.

Images appeared before my inner eye, of Fenia’s mother, a faceless woman on her deathbed. The Doctor, when he had been ill after his regeneration and how, for a dreadful couple of moments, I’d thought I’d lost him. Because I wasn’t there when he needed me most, because instead of making him comfortable I cried. I saw Dad lying there in the street, after that awful thud. I had comforted him, but that was it. How upset Mum had been when I’d told her about the blonde stranger. Mum. How upset Mum was that she was going to miss out on planning my wedding with me, that we wouldn’t see each other at Christmas. How I didn’t tell her that we might never see each other again because I wanted to help the Doctor.

“Mum,” I mumbled. “Mum, I’m sorry.”

My throat was dry, and the words were only clear in my mind, just like the images I saw behind closed lids.

I saw the TARDIS burn, felt her agony. Felt her loss on the Sanctuary Base, her resolve not to help me when I wanted to get back to the Doctor. Felt her agony, and saw her burn.

“Don’t... please. It hurts so much... please don’t.”

Something cool touched my forehead, warm yet cool.

“Rose?”

Was that the Doctor’s voice? No, it couldn’t. He was away, he was...

“Rose?”

… a trick of my mind. I moaned.

“You’re burning up. This is no good. I’ll have to... yes, that’s probably best.”

Whatever. I could see the flames dancing, licking, consuming everything and everyone. The TARDIS. Dad. Mum. The Doctor. It was beautiful and horrible to watch, and the screams were overwhelming, ringing in my ears.

And the pain. So much pain.

I moaned in sympathy.

The flames would not touch me, leaving behind the girl who was left behind.

The cold was a bit of a consolation, but why...

Hands touched me.

They hurt, and I screamed. “Don’t touch me, please. It hurts, don’t touch me!” I tried to move, to shake off the probing fingers and palms and the press of skin against skin. “Leave me, you’re hurting me!”

Oh. I might as well endure the pain. If my loved ones were to suffer, why shouldn’t I share in their agony? Air was cool against my skin, and there was a rocking motion, and then there was water... cool, wonderful water, all around me. And for a while I floated, weightless, in a pool of calm and darkness.

Until the itch woke me. It was all over my body, all over my skin. And I was hot. So hot.

“Please, do something... it’s... I...” I clawed at my skin, dug my nails in and brought it away in strips, huge bits of burnt skin, brittle, leaving the flesh beneath raw, but at least the itch was gone. He held me, trapped my hands, tortured me. I bucked and screamed and cried until I could breathe no more and my limbs were too heavy to move and I had to stop.

“Rose?”

Him again. Does this cruelty never stop?

“No. Please, leave me be. Don’t do this. Please. Please.”

“It’s all right, my love,” he replied. “Hold still. I want to help you.”

No.

I was dizzy, and my limbs were heavy and aching, but somehow, I managed to move away from him as far as my tired body allowed.

“No more, please. I can’t take it anymore.”

He had tied me to the bed, bound my wrists and ankles so I couldn’t move.

“Don’t fight me, Rose. Let me help you. I hate doing this, but... please, Rose, don’t give up now. Sowaitu shog ra fionn,” he said. “Ildiem tu faronn.”

“Tri tu miras’tu, Doctor,” I replied. “Tri tu miras’tu.”

“Rose?”

No Rose.

“What did you just say?”

“Satu’sa sam. Tri tu miras’tu. Ngudia sam.”

I couldn’t fight this anymore. The winter fever was stronger than me. It was a fire that raged through me. I couldn’t fight it anymore. I was so tired.

“Ngudia sam Doctor.”


	23. Twenty-Three: Kissing in the Rain

Twenty-Three  
Kissing in the Rain

I was slowly coming round, drifting in and out of consciousness, the dark bits filled with dreams, much like they are when you just wake from a good night's sleep. Only I was utterly drained, and it took me a while to muster enough energy to keep my eyes open, let alone stay awake. The light in my room was indistinct, and the lamp on my bedside table didn't make much of a difference.

Sighing, I tried to shift a little. My back was aching from being in bed so long; I had no idea how long for. It took a lot of strength just to shift slightly, and lifting my hand left me so exhausted that I closed my eyes again. It was only then that I realised that my hands weren't tied anymore.

I must have drifted off again, because I was suddenly aware of two sounds that hadn't registered with my sleep-addled brain. There was the regular breathing of someone next to me, and of water splashing on stone slabs, and the hollow gurgling sound as it flowed down the drains. I thought that someone must be in the shower.

I was very thirsty, and my throat was sore. Moaning softly in discomfort, I opened my eyes. The light hadn't changed, it was still that same diffuse early morning-light. Was it morning? How long had I been out for?

The mattress dipped beneath me as the person next to me moved. There was the rustle of fabric, and the intake of breath. I turned my head to see who was with me.

“Doctor.” I hoped I was smiling when I said his name.

He certainly did smile when he said mine.

Then I suddenly recognised that particular sound of water. It wasn't the shower. “It's raining.”

The Doctor laughed, but his eyes were bright with sorrow. “Yeah, yeah, it is raining.”

“Good,” I sighed, and closed my eyes. I wanted to reply when he called my name, but I was too tired, too tired even to give his fingers a little squeeze as he took my hand.

-:-

When I woke the next time, it was after relaxing sleep. It was dark, it was still raining, and I was glad for the duvet. The lamp was lit, but Doctor was not there, and I exhaled in relief. His worried expression was still vivid in my mind. There were so many questions, and I wanted them answered.

I turned a bit to take my Ruulim watch from the bedside table and check what time it was. The small movement, normally effortless and performed without much thought, demanded quite a bit of strength. I winced, and when I rolled back onto my back, the watch between my fingers, it took my breath a while to return to normal. This, I knew, was not the kind of weakness you felt when recovering from the flu. It felt more like recovering from severe injuries.

I wondered what had happened. When I'd fallen, I hadn't really hurt myself, my knees and arms must surely be just a bit bruised. Nothing so bad as to warrant exhaustion and ache such as I was experiencing.

I lifted the watch to look at it. It was long past supper time.

It was then that I noticed the bandages on my arm. This was why I'd had such difficulty grabbing the watch. My lower arm and hand were heavily bandaged, the ribbons gone. What had happened? I dropped the hand onto the duvet, hissing as it hit the soft covers.

With all the energy I could muster, I pushed myself up onto my elbows, trying to ignore the pain, and then I sat up. I felt dizzy, and had to catch my breath.

Only my left arm was bandaged, but my right arm was covered in patches of scabs. My hands flew to my face, finding, to my great relief, that the skin there was as soft and smooth as ever. No scabs there. I carefully lifted the hem of my t-shirt and pulled it up and over my head. The skin on my breasts was scaly, and there were the odd scabs. My stomach looked much the same, and there were some plasters, and when I pulled off my pyjama bottoms, drained already of all the energy from my rest, I found my legs were equally mottled, and my right thigh was as heavily bandaged as my arm.

“There’s a bit on your back too, but luckily not as much,” I heard the Doctor say from the door. His voice was very soft, and I almost didn’t understand him over the rain hitting the ground and gutters. It was raining very hard, now that the dry season was over. Tayar had told me to expect heavy rainfalls once the winter winds picked up.

I pulled the duvet up around me. It was silly really. He knew what I looked like, and still I didn’t want him to see me like this. “What happened?”

He came in, bringing with him the scent of wet stone and earth. It was a welcome smell, and it came in on a waft of fresh air in his wake. When he was close enough I could see the storm in the darkness of his eyes, and I shuddered. Once again I got a glimpse of the man I had met, and I didn’t like what I saw, although part of it was why I had felt so drawn to him.

His dimple showed as his eyes drifted down my body, and I regretted covering myself up. He must think I was shocked by what I’d found; which I was, but somehow, I also knew that I needn’t be upset about it, that everything was going to be all right. The thought was very clear and comforting.

“The TARDIS happened.”

I didn’t understand. I was still much too tired for his cryptic mood, but I knew what it meant.

“I’m going to be all right,” I said, drawing confidence from the comfort of the thought that I knew wasn’t mine. I let slip the duvet although I was a bit cold. The temperature had dropped dramatically since it had started to rain. When would it have started, I wondered.

“There’ll be scars on your arm and thigh,” he said. He always marvelled at the softness of my skin. It wasn’t hard to imagine how gutted he must feel about what had happened to me. Then I noticed what he was wearing. I was more upset by it than by anything else I had learned in the short time since I’d woken. He was wearing a pale blue shirt, the swirly tie, and his brown and blue pinstriped trousers. “But I can remove them.” Even if he did, I knew, he’d always see them, every time he’d look at me, he’d remember the scars.

I reached out for him, but he didn’t move. “Doctor, it’s okay. I’ll be all right, an’... and what about the TARDIS?” I almost didn’t dare finish my sentence. An answer was forming in my mind, but I ignored it. I wanted to hear it from him.

“Right as rain she’ll be, given enough time.”

I rubbed my forehead. I was still so very tired; I wasn’t up to playing any power games with him. “Good, that’s... great,” I said, trying to sound enthusiastic.

“You must be hungry, and thirsty,” he said eventually, somehow managing to pull himself out of his funk.

“Yeah, but I’m also very tired,” I said. “Some water would be nice.”

“Water, right.” He sounded dejected, and at the same time a bit defiant. It was a confusing mixture that went with his armour.

“Are you all right?” I asked.

“I’m always all right, Rose.”

“Liar.”

He paused. “I’ll get you some water.”

-:-

The first time I felt truly rested was when I woke the following morning. Sitting up was no longer a draining exercise, and I finished the bottle of water the Doctor had left on my bedside table. I was also hungry and badly in need of a bath, even if it was just a sponge bath because of the bandages. I had no idea what kind of wounds they were protecting, and I didn’t want to hurt myself further by simply removing them.

I turned to sit on the edge of my bed, but when I wanted to stand I found very quickly that my legs were wobbly and wouldn’t carry my weight. A little dizzy from my endeavour, I sat down. Sighing, I reached for the t-shirt and pyjama bottoms I had taken off in the night. The Doctor had neatly folded and draped them over the foot-board. It took me ages to put them on; I wasn’t as strong as I felt.

“How are you?”

I hadn’t heard him come in. When I looked up, he was standing at the foot of the bed, and to my great relief he was not in his suit of armour. Maybe, just maybe, my mind had made that particular information up.

“Hungry. Filthy.”

He swallowed, his eyes flitting around the room before settling on me. He always did that when he needed to work up the courage to do something, but it happened so very rarely that at first I didn’t recognise it for what it was. “No, I mean, are you in any pain?”

“No, I’m just a little shaky, is all.”

I wanted him to see in my eyes that it was true, and so I held his gaze evenly, but gently.

“Can you take me outside? I’d like to be in the rain,” I said, desperate to lighten the mood. There were so many things we needed to talk about, but this was not the time. The Doctor was visibly shaken, and he needed comforting before anything else could happen. “Please.”

Slowly, a smile started to curve his lips, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes yet. “Yeah,” he said. He sat down on the bed next to me and he draped his arm around my back, just as I’d slid mine around his waist. “Do you think this will work?” he asked, moving forward a little to pull me up with him.

I nodded.

I managed to get as far as the door before my wobbly legs gave beneath me. To my surprise, the Doctor picked me up, and instead of bundling me back into bed, he took me outside, found the gap in the low wall separating the garden from the cloister, and stepped out into the pouring rain with me.

A shower couldn’t have soaked us more thoroughly. The rain was surprisingly warm, so very much unlike London summer rain, and although it was pouring, the drops didn’t sting as they hit my skin. They plastered my greasy hair to my skull, and the fabric of my night things clung to me like a second skin within moments. I laughed and threw my head back to feel the rain on my face. It was wonderful.

The Doctor hoisted me up a little, and I strengthened my grip around his neck. The rain had turned his hair dark, and I watched it stream down his face in little rivulets. He looked gorgeous, and he wasn’t aware of it, because of the sadness and wonder that filled his eyes.

“Fiteo tu sirati?” I asked.

“Soki, fitiëo lom,” he answered, meaning it. “Semrath ngudia tu ki faro?”

“Avitanon.”

He kissed me for lack of a better response. It was a very soft kiss, his lips barely touching mine, but the water on our skin made it all the more sensual. I flicked my tongue at his bottom lip to gather the wetness there and he groaned, his knees finally buckling at our combined weight. Somehow, he managed to lower us to the ground so he could deepen the kiss.

When we had to come up for air, he plucked my bandaged hand from his cheek, planting a kiss in my palm, half on skin, half on fabric. “We should go inside.”

I didn’t want to, even though I was cold and hungry. The warm rain felt divine, and so did his arms around me. “Just a little while longer.”

He shook his head, but when he gathered me in his arms, he didn’t move to stand but remained kneeling in the sodden grass. We stayed like this for a while, my head tucked under his chin, his hearts drumming a faint rhythm in my ear. He drew his fingers soothingly through my wet hair and very gently stroked my side as I sat between his knees.

“Shall we?” he asked eventually.

“Yeah.”

He took me to the bathroom to help me with a shower. I would have loved a proper bath, but that wouldn’t have been good for the scabs on my skin. When he took off the sodden bandages, my gasp made him cringe. The skin looked burnt, though the scabs had begun to soften thanks to the ointment the Doctor had been putting on them. “What happened?” I asked.

“I’m not quite sure,” the Doctor replied, not looking up from what he was doing. He was working the salve onto the wounds. “I think the TARDIS infected you with whatever it was she suffered from. It... must have been very painful. You... you...”

I remembered. It wasn’t a very clear memory, but it was enough to put the pieces together. “I did that to myself. My arm and leg,” I said. “’s why you had to tie me up.”

His head snapped up at my words, his eyes wide with shock. This clearly wasn’t something he’d ever wanted me to know, and I bit my lip. I shouldn’t have mentioned it. “Yeah,” he said.

“You had to do it,” I said. “I’m sorry.”

“No, Rose, I’m...”

I reached up to cover his lips. “Don’t. Let’s not do this. It happened. We both did what we had to do. I’m going to be all right. And the TARDIS is going to be all right. Isn’t that good?”

“Yeah,” he squeaked.

-:-

After we’d eaten – I had to blackmail him into eating something too – we settled down on the sofa in his bedroom. He built a fire in the fireplace for the first time. I was about to protest, when another thought struck me. It had cooled down considerably since Monday. “How long was I ill?”

He stilled for a moment, then continued to stoke the fire a bit before he joined me on the sofa. I’d settled into one corner, and I draped my legs over his lap as he sat down. My desire to know was rapidly dwindling, and I asked him before I lost my nerve. “Doctor?”

He looked at the fire. “Six days.”

“Six...”

He met my gaze. “Let’s not talk about this, please.”

“How... Were you alone all that time?” I asked, unable to help myself.

“Rose,” he sighed.

“I need to know. Please.”

“Yoru, Fenia and Tayar came round to help a little,” he eventually said. “To make sure I was eating, mostly,” he added with a mirthless laugh.

“Bless them,” I whispered, speechless. More questions popped up, I couldn’t help it. “What did you tell them?”

“The truth,” he said. “And before you ask, as far as Setiu is concerned you have the winter fever, and I’m quarantined in here with you.”

“Oh.”

He was lightly stroking my legs, careful not to hurt me.

“What about helping Fenia?”

The Doctor snorted. “Setiu had work sent here for me. She wants me to doctor her thesis, and supply Fenia with invalid data.”

I gasped, sitting up as I tensed. “She didn’t.”

He nodded.

“What are you going to do?”

“Collect enough evidence and confront her. Rose,” he said, cupping my right heel with his palm, studying my bare foot. “You nearly died.” He looked up, his eyes dark and bright with tears.

I wanted to shiver, and stare in shock, but I shook the feeling, knowing that if I broke, so would he , and he was so much closer to it than I was. I didn’t remember much, apart from the pain and weird dreams, but both were fading quickly. “But I didn’t.”

“No,” he said, smiling.

I leaned in for a kiss, touching his jaw with the fingers of my freshly bandaged hand. A powerful wave of gratitude swept through me. I had survived thanks to him. He had saved my life. Again. And I suddenly realised that this time had been different. This time had taken him nearly to the breaking point. If anything should happen to me now I didn't think he would survive, and shuddered at the thought of what kind of man he would become. He would have to deal with losing me at some point, but if it should happen soon... I stopped myself there. I withdrew to look at him, and he looked at me with a quizzical expression so I kissed him again, deeper this time.

“Tell me something, Rose,” he said when we came up for breath. “I didn’t teach you all that much Gallifreyan, did I?”

I shook my head.

“Ngudia sam,” he murmured, resting his forehead against mine. “Can I stay with you?”

It broke my heart that he even felt like he needed to ask. He hardly ever joined me for an afternoon nap, but he knew he was always welcome.

“I’d love that,” I said.

Once he had helped me onto the bed, he stripped down to his pants and lay down on his side to pull me into the crook of his body. I could sense his need to hold me close, but was worried about hurting me and rested his arm lightly across my midriff. “Are you comfortable?”

“Very,” I mumbled sleepily.


	24. Twenty-Four: Sated

Twenty-four  
Sated

I was standing, naked, in front of the mirror in the bathroom. The tiles were warm beneath my feet. Now that it was winter, we benefited from Sho's form of floor heating.

The scabs on my skin, long since gone except for the ones on my arm and thigh, meant I didn’t need the bandages anymore, but they had left my tanned skin mottled with pink patches and some of them were hardened from scar tissue. To my great relief, I had found the tattoo unblemished, and I couldn’t wait to tie the ribbons around my wrist again. The Doctor still wore his, and every time I saw them I was reminded that I wasn’t wearing mine.

The Doctor hadn’t touched me in the two weeks since we had kissed in the rain. Not in the way a lover does, anyway. He had changed from husband to carer. To doctor with a lower-case d. It took me all of that fortnight to recover fully, that much I had to admit, but there were times when I longed for more than a caring touch. Oh, he kissed me. We kissed a lot, and every now and then he’d drop his hand to my breast, only to remember what the fabric of my blouse was covering up, and cupped my cheek instead.

Fenia had invited me over the previous day to use her steam bath, and to spend some time together. She had come to Sho several times while I was ill, and not only to check on me, for which I was very grateful.

“I’m sorry it was so terrible,” I told her when we were sitting on the smooth stone benches in the steam bath. It was a small room off the bathroom that sat about four people, but with just the two of us, it was comfortable. I was sitting on the bench sideways, with my back against the tiled wall and my arms wrapped around my knees.

“You were incredible brave,” Fenia replied. Now that her skin was slick with steam and sweat, she was rubbing it with coarse sea salt. When she was finished, she offered the small bowl to me. “Unless... your skin’s still too tender.” She had stared at my mottled skin when we’d dropped the towels onto the stool outside the steam bath.

“I think I’ll be fine as long as I avoid getting it on my arm and thigh,” I said, taking the bowl. Scooping out a handful, I began to massage the salt into my skin. “Can you add some of the scent you used last time?” There was an aroma lamp to scent the steam a little, and in her preoccupation with my scars Fenia had forgotten to add some scent and light the candle beneath the little bowl.

“The Doctor can remove my scars,” I said, rubbing furiously at my skin.

“You sound like you don’t want that,” Fenia said softly, sitting back after she’d taken care of the lamp.

“I do,” I said, very quickly. “But the Doctor... he... well, he hasn’t...”

The room was quiet for a few moments, and we listened to the steam hiss and the water drop from the ceiling where it had gathered in fat orbs.

“He has changed a lot,” Fenia said. “He still loves you, even more so now than he did before. Ruulmira, to be loved like this...”

“What?” I squeaked.

“He’s just... very shaken. I’m not sure if I should be telling you this.” Fenia paused. “You were dead, for a few awful moments you were gone. He was beside himself, and somehow he managed to bring you back. The things he had to do... Just give him some time, Rose. He’ll come round.”

I was dumbly opening and closing my mouth as I tried to make sense of what she’d just told me. “He said I nearly died.”

She didn’t reply immediately. “Don’t tell him you know.”

We sat in silence for a while. What Fenia had told me broke my heart, but there was also that nagging sensation that there was something more. Why weren’t they honest with me? What were they keeping from me? There was something they wouldn’t tell me, and I had no idea what it was.

“Did the TARDIS give you anything in return? The Doctor wondered if she might,” Fenia asked eventually.

“Languages,” I said. “She gave me the gift of languages.”

“But... I thought the TARDIS translated everything for you, with that... link you share? Do you still have it, that link?” she asked, bewildered.

“She never translated Gallifreyan for me,” I said. “I think I still have the link, and it might be stronger than it was before the TARDIS got sick, but I’m not sure. She isn’t fully recovered yet.”

“Do you miss the part she took?” she asked, unsure how I would react.

I surprised myself when I told her, “Not any more, no.”

“I’ll miss you,” Fenia said softly.

There was nothing I could say, apart from returning the sentiment. We took a shower to rinse off the the salt and sweat, and, having put cream on ourselves, we had dinner in the kitchen. All the while, I was turning over what Fenia had told me about the Doctor. I understood better why he was being so distant, but I also wished for nothing more than for him make love to me again. I missed him so.

Nothing much had changed since then. I had decided to give him some time, but I couldn’t help thinking that something was wrong. I put on the clothes I had brought to the bathroom; the days when I could nip down the cloister clad only in a towel were over. Wearing my jeans and a long-sleeved Oxford was strange after the long summer that was so hot I wore nothing but dresses. They covered up my scars nicely, though, and the bitter thought crossed my mind that so at least the Doctor didn’t have to look at them.

I went to my room. The bed was stripped bare now that we slept together in the corner room, the room that used to be his. We had moved the furniture from the loggia into my room instead of the frescoed living room because it now housed the Doctor’s study. I settled on the daybed with a mug of maklak and a book. Instead of reading, I stared into the dying embers of the fire in the fireplace. We didn’t really need the fire to warm the rooms, because the hypocaust heating was much more effective, but I liked it because it made the room more cosy.

I would have liked to make love in the firelight, either here, or on the rug in front of the sofa. I pushed back the left sleeve. The scabs were dark and thick now when I tapped them with my fingernail. The itching had long since stopped, and I couldn’t wait for them to come off. To reveal yet another pink patch on my skin, the new skin probably hard and knotted. I looked at the blue lines of the tattoo on the inside of my wrist. They were the Doctor’s vows, and his name, perfect and beautiful on flawless skin. I miss you so, Doctor.

“Rose?”

I jumped. I hadn’t expected him back so soon. My cheeks were damp, and I surreptitiously wiped them away and pulled my sleeve down before I turned around, glad for the curtain of my hair. I hadn’t braided it yet. “Hey,” I said.

“Are you all right?” He dropped his bag by the door and had crossed the room in a few swift strides. I hated him for that. Everything was just about my well-being, my body; it wasn’t about me anymore. I knew I was being unfair and unkind, but I was losing myself in this.

I slipped on my mask, something I had a lot of practise in. “Yeah,” I sniffled. “Just a sad place in the book.” I covered the book with my hand.

He picked up the book so he could sit down beside me. “It’s a grammar, Rose,” the Doctor said gently. He exhaled, and I expected him to say something, but nothing came. Instead, he put his arms around me and pulled me against him. His chin came to rest on top of my head, and he just sat there, unmoving, quiet.

“What happened to us, Doctor?” I asked, bringing my legs up to be more comfortable. Once I began, I couldn’t stop myself. The words came tumbling out of my heart, and out of my mouth. “Am I so... changed, so ugly, that you can’t bear to touch me any more?”

He lifted his head, turned it away. “No. No, that’s not it.”

“What is it then?” I asked calmly.

He remained silent.

“I’ll not break.”

He chuckled. “No, I suppose not.” Standing, he let go of me. “It’s because I might,” he said.

Then I understood. In all that time, he hadn’t allowed himself a moment of weakness, of being terrified and alone and desperate, and of showing it, of letting it out. I was sure Fenia would have mentioned it if he had done anything like that, because she knew him to be a well-guarded man. Or was that what they were keeping from me?

“Maybe it’s just what you need,” I said softly. “To break. To let it all out.”

“I don’t want to hurt you,” he said, not realising until the words were out of his mouth that he was actually considering my offer.

I smiled encouragingly at him. “Then don’t.”

I stood, took his hand and led him to the bedroom. “Close your eyes. Don’t move.”

He nodded, and as he just stood there in the silence of the room, he gradually relaxed. When his shoulders had sagged a little, I closed the distance between us and began to unbutton his waistcoat. The buttons made soft popping noises as they slipped free. I went around him and pulled the waistcoat down over his back, took the time to fold and place it carefully on the chair he used for his clothes.

So I continued to take off his clothes, and when his eyes fluttered open as I undid his cuff-links, I didn’t mind. Somehow, I felt very reassured as his eyes followed my every movement. He helped me a little when it was necessary, but otherwise he did nothing. He gave himself over to my care.

Eventually, he stood there, naked and still unmoving.

“Tam shia ngarthu,” I said. He blushed furiously. As soon as it was just the two of us, in the bedroom, all his cockiness was gone.

He cleared his throat before saying, “You have an adorable accent.”

“Do you think?” I asked in Gallifreyan, a pleasant shiver running down my spine.

He nodded. “I also think I recognise that shirt.”

I’d nicked it from his wardrobe, feeling the need to have something of him close to me. I held his gaze as I started to unbutton it. In contrast to his clothes, I just dropped mine where I was standing. “What do you see, Doctor?”

“I see you,” he said, swallowing. “Naked.”

I remained silent.

“I see the TARDIS’s mark on you.”

“Yeah?”

He took a shuddering breath. “I see you, naked, burning.”

“I did burn, didn’t I?” I said softly, trailing my fingers over my scars. “The TARDIS passed some of her illness on to me.”

The Doctor set his jaw as he reached out to touch the scars and scabs on my left arm, brushed his fingers over where the ribbons were supposed to be. I shivered a bit at his caress and stepped closer to him.

“Was that what you thought might happen?”

“Well, not exactly that. But something equally terrible.” He ran his fingers up my arm, over the mole on my shoulder, and followed the arc of my collarbone. “And still you’re so beautiful.”

Fresh tears sprung to my eyes. He wasn’t repulsed by me, by the TARDIS’s marks, the ugly scars. “I wanted to do it, Doctor. And it’s okay now, yeah? You saved my life,” I said. “Now I want to feel alive.”

“Yeah,” he nodded, dropping his hand away from me, “yeah, me too. I can... I... I can remove them. The scars. If... if you... want?”

I smiled. “I’d like that very much.” He handed me onto the bed, and while I made myself comfortable, he found his sonic and adjusted the setting. Kneeling next to me on the bed, he pressed the button and the sonic whirred to life with its familiar blue light. I propped myself up on my elbows to watch him work. He started with my left leg, and as he passed the sonic over the scars there I had to suppress the urge to move away. “That tickles,” I giggled.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” I laughed, flopping back into the pillows.

“Well,” he whispered, “what about this?” The sonic’s whirring died, and the tickling sensation was replaced by his soft lips and the brush of his tongue. I sighed. “That’s gorgeous.”

“Just making sure the scars are gone completely,” he whispered.

“Take your time,” I said, propping myself back up again. He grinned at me, then moved on to the next scar. “Doctor?”

He looked up.

“Are you sure you can see properly without your glasses?” I’d picked them up from the bedside table and held them out to him. “To make sure?”

“I knew I’d forgotten something.” He slipped them on.

I watched him work, tickling me with the sonic, then laving the new skin with his tongue, his head bent intently in concentration, glasses catching the light. The further up he worked the more I opened my legs for him for better access. I was almost embarrassed for a moment or so at my wantonness, because he must have smelled my arousal. Then he reached the wound on the right leg.

“Would you like me to take care of this too?” he asked.

I nodded, a little breathless.

“What about this?” he asked, dropping the sonic to run his palms up the insides of my thighs so he could brush his thumbs over the plump, wet flesh at their join. I bucked. “Yeah,” I squeaked. “I think so. Please.”

I was glad to see that the idea excited him as much as it did me, and for a couple of minutes I managed to watch him caress me, biting my lip. But then he sunk his fingers into me and curled them in the most wonderful way, and I settled down, one hand lightly on his head, the other clenched into the sheets. And then his lips and tongue were on me, malialion, cool and warm, and wet, and I cried out in surprise. He moved his hands to my waist to keep me still, and mistaking keeping still with keeping quiet, I suppressed my cries. It had been so long, and the sensation of him on me and in me were so overwhelmingly beautiful that it drove tears to me eyes. I came faster and harder than I could remember, the echo of his own release ringing in my ears, and I curled blindly into him as I tried to calm down and he moved up to rest beside me.

“Feel alive now?” he asked, brushing back my hair and rubbing my back in soothing circles. He had taken off his glasses.

“Very,” I grinned. I kissed him and could taste myself on him, but there was no word this time that flitted into my mind to describe it.

“There is none,” the Doctor replied. “You’re uniquely you, Rose Tyler.”

I blinked and withdrew. “I didn’t ask you that out loud, did I?”

He shook his head.

“Are you... inside my mind?” I asked very carefully, trying to rein in my feelings. The Doctor would never look into me without asking for permission first.

“You are inside mine, Rose,” he said, his voice breaking. “You’re... the TARDIS... she must have given you telepathy. Well, she didn’t really give it to you so much as enhance the low level you already had. All humans have it, but very few can really use it. Now you can.”

I withdrew even further, leaving the comfort of his body. “I... I’m sorry, Doctor. I didn’t mean to...”

“No, no, no, Rose,” he hurried to say, his voice panicked. “It’s okay. I’ll teach you how to use it. When we’re making love, it’s... it’s okay. It’s just... I’m afraid I’ve made quite a mess of us.” He looked down between us, where he’d come all over his stomach and mine.

This must have been the first time that I really blushed in bed with him. “Oh, I’m,” I began, clearing my voice, “well, I’m glad you enjoyed it.”

He smiled at me. “It’s a bit overwhelming, isn’t it?”

“Yeah,” I said, laughing.

“I’ll show you how to use it,” he repeated. “And we don’t have to join our minds each time we make love.” He cleaned us up a little, and then went back to his original task of removing my scars. When he had finished, my body was singing again from his ministrations, and because we shared the link, he was as aroused as I was. I massaged some of the gel into his cock before straddling him. The feeling of being one with him was even more powerful than it had been on our wedding night, and as we rested our foreheads against each other’s, neither of us wanted the moment to end. Eventually, however, one of us began to move, and as the rhythm I had then set became more urgent he lay back into the pillows. He reached for my hands, threading his fingers through mine for support so I could move freely on him and around him.

“Tam shia ngarthu, Rose,” he murmured, encouraging me in Gallifreyan to come for him, with him, to let go and not worry about a thing. “Semrath ngudia tu ki faro. Ildiem to faronn.”

“Ildiem tu faronn, Doctor, ngudia sam,” I managed, and when he met my movements with gentle upward thrusts he drove us over the edge. We cried out with pleasure, and as I collapsed he met me halfway and lowered us carefully onto the bed, where we lay for quite some time, our breathing calming down, wrapped in each other’s arms.

-:-

Two days later, I returned to the Observatory. As was usual upon returning from a lengthy absence – from a journey or an illness – I went straight to Setiu’s office. I wasn’t too keen on seeing her, especially because the Doctor had told me what he wanted to do, and because she so shamelessly flirted with him. For appearance’s sake, I didn’t take advantage of the gift the TARDIS had given me. It was best to let Setiu believe that I was just a silly girl with a massive crush on the Doctor. As soon as I entered her office, however, I sensed that she saw me in a slightly different light.

“Well,” she said, standing from where she’d been sitting behind her desk, “you’re back.”

I pressed my lips together in a smile.

She frowned. “You suffered from the winter fever, the Doctor told me.”

“Yes, I must have been one of the first to catch it this year.”

“And you fought it off.” This last bit came with an expression of awe, as if recovering from it were a great personal accomplishment. I knew that winter fever was a serious illness, but to recover from it would be more luck than accomplishment and I told her as much.

“I was lucky,” I said. “I’m sorry for keeping the Doctor from work.”

“As long as you didn’t pass it on to him,” Setiu began, but didn’t finish her thought.

“Oh, he’s fine,” I replied lightly. “More resilient than I am.”

“You can resume your work at his office and the Library,” Setiu said flatly. “Don’t expect any mollycoddling. If you’re not fit enough, you don’t belong here.”

I nodded crisply. “I am quite well enough.”

And that was it.

Setiu was clearly seething about my return. My presence made her advances on the Doctor a tad more difficult.

With the exception of Yoru and Fenia, everyone welcomed me back warmly; even Tayar, who was usually so reserved, gave me hug, although he knew that I was all right, and had visited me at Sho several times. The student who had gone in search for the Doctor after my collapse came to see me at the Doctor’s office with a piece of cake. I thanked him for his help, and told him I was sorry for worrying him. “You are so wonderful to us, Rose,” he said, blushing, “it’s really nothing. I was glad I could help. Even if it wasn’t of much use.”

The Doctor had left the Observatory that afternoon to visit with scientists from the University, and he had only returned to Sho very late. Tayar had stayed with me, had done what little he could, which was mostly put a cold flannel on my forehead and make me drink.

The Doctor’s face lit up when I returned to the office. Touching the ribbons on my wrist lightly, he bent to kiss my cheek. “Fiteo tu sirati?”

“Soki,” I said, leaning into his touch. “She quite enjoys me being your errand boy.” I gave him an envelope. It looked very official, with its fat seal from the University.

He broke the seal and quickly perused the letter’s contents. “Seems like the days with her as the director are numbered,” he said. “This is the official invitation to present the new theses.”

While I was recovering, the Doctor and Fenia had finished work on their respective projects, and had had them registered with the University. As it turned out, Setiu’s work didn’t need tampering with. It was such a flawed piece of work that each correction revealed another mistake. Why it had been approved of in the first place was a mystery, but the Doctor and Yoru guessed that someone must have owed Setiu a favour, or that she had such persuasive powers that the person in question could not object.

“Setiu never came to ask me about what it was I was doing,” the Doctor said. “Which was, in fact, nothing, once I’d read her thesis. This is going to embarrass more people than just her.”

“Must be a bit boring,” I murmured, stepping into his arms, “outwitting such a stupid person.”

“It’s still very satisfying to see justice done,” he said, bending down for a kiss.


	25. Twenty-Five: Time of Day

Twenty-Five  
Time of Day

I decided not to dwell on the fact that I hadn’t nearly died, but actually had died. I had no memory at all of it, no dreams of my life flashing before my eyes; no white tunnel or anything else that people with near-death experiences have reported. It was quite possible that I wasn’t meant to know, and I was fine with that. This was something I didn’t need to know. As far as the Doctor was concerned, I didn’t. Fenia had dearly regretted letting it slip out. What I was more preoccupied with was what the Doctor would have done if I’d really died. I’d foolishly brushed the idea of this ending in my death away, for my sake as well as for his. He had withdrawn a little because of his fear of breaking; I was quite sure the storm, that storm, had yet to come.

The TARDIS recovered very quickly after she received the new coral, and the small amount of Vortex energy that was finally returned to her. I went to her every morning and every night, and the burnt patches were gradually replaced by healthy golden coral. Soon it wasn't necessary to bring a lantern, and she began to smell like her old self again as well. Whenever I stepped inside her, she welcomed me with a warm thrum that trickled pleasantly down my spine. Her gratitude was overwhelming, and at one point it even became so embarrassing that I asked her to stop. “Tri tu miras’tu,” I said, using Gallifreyan to let her know I meant it. “I wanted to help you, and I'm glad I did. Tri tu miras’tu.”

“She just feels at a loss for how to thank you,” the Doctor said. He was standing on the ramp, his hands in his trouser pockets.

“Just like you,” I sighed.

“Rose, please.”

“I know,” I murmured, joining him on the ramp with the bucket of coral dust that I had carefully scraped off the strut by the jump seat. “It's a bit embarrassing, though. And it’s not like I didn’t get anything in return.”

The Doctor smiled, opened his mouth to say something but in the end chose not to. He took the bucket from me and reached for my hand.

“When are we going to leave?” My voice trembled a little when I asked him; it was the first time that I had worked enough courage up to do so. As much as I wanted to see Mum again, the thought of leaving Sho and our friends broke my heart. Up till then I had avoided the question because I didn't want to think about it, but now I felt I'd better know so I could get used to the idea and prepare myself for our leave-taking.

“The TARDIS is doing quite well,” the Doctor said. “I suppose we could leave as soon as I've taken her out for a quick spin to make sure she's really ready.” The TARDIS thrummed excitedly in agreement. We laughed. “But I'd like to wrap things up at the Observatory too,” he said in a more solemn tone. “I thought that maybe we could have a little farewell party.”

He pulled the TARDIS door closed behind him and carefully locked it. The Doctor suggesting a party was certainly something new, and for a moment I just stared at him. He preferred to keep things simple, and the last time we had celebrated the end of an adventure with more than a hug had been the Christmas before last – and even then it had taken quite a bit of work on my part to make him join us for dinner.

“That would be lovely,” I said. “What are we going to do with Sho when we leave?”

“We'll think of something. Shall we?” He asked, holding his hand out for me. I took it, curling my fingers around his. His excitement and vivaciousness were infectious, and I laughed.

“What?” he asked, chuckling.

“Nothing,” I said, “It’s just... brilliant.”

He chuckled. There was no other way of putting it. He laughed with happiness, and it was for exactly that reason that I was loath to leave Ruul. The Doctor would go back to being the Last of the Time Lords, and I’d be his faithful companion. I didn’t want to settle down in the complacency of marriage, but I feared that we’d lose each other and what we’d shared here over the adventures we were going to have, brilliant though they might be.

I had to run several errands for him before the beginning of his office hour that morning. When I returned to his office just before lunch time and was about to knock on his door, a habit I'd taken up since the unfortunate incident with Setiu, I found it slightly ajar. “Doctor?” I asked. For all I knew he might be out; he rarely ever left his door open when neither of us was in. When no reply came I started to pull the door to, but then I heard a stifled sob. It was a very soft sound, and I almost didn’t hear it because the hard rain had returned and it was quite loud.

“Doctor?” I pushed the door open and found him by the window, his back to me. He shuddered, and there was another sob, less successfully concealed. My heart sank and I crossed the cramped space with a few steps, dodging piles of books and rolls of charts leaning perilously against the bookcases. “Doctor, what’s the matter?” I touched his back. He was shivering all over with the force of the storm that was breaking loose in him. The moment we both had been so afraid of had come.

He turned and wrapped his arms around me so quickly that I caught only a brief glimpse of his face. His eyes were brimming with tears and his lips were pressed together in a thin white line. He curled his fists into the material of my blouse as he held me to him. My eyes watered in sympathy with him as I held him and drew my hands soothingly through his hair and over his back. He allowed himself to sob then, and his whole body shuddered as he finally let go and broke.

I murmured to him in Gallifreyan to calm him, to reassure him that I wasn’t going to leave him, but otherwise I stood there unmoving to give him all the time he needed. I had no idea what the catalyst had been for him to finally crack. The theses were to be presented that evening, and I hoped that nothing had happened to foil the plans that had been so carefully laid out. But even that would not provoke such a reaction.

After a while he calmed down a little, and I guided him to the window seat, where he sat heavily. I found him a tissue, but gave him some space as he pulled himself together.

“Can you... can you just leave me alone for a bit?” he asked, his voice still thick with tears and a little raspy from the force of the sobs.

I couldn’t help feeling a little hurt, but I nodded and left the room, pulling the door closed behind me. I slumped into the chair by the desk, not knowing what to do, wondering what had brought his breakdown on. Drawing a deep breath, I wiped away my own silent tears and set to work. It wouldn’t do if anyone found me like this, least of all Setiu who might turn up for some last-minute preparations with the Doctor. I glanced at my watch. We should be going to get ready for the big night, even with the afternoon off. I had never been to the Great Hall of the university before, and I was more nervous than I cared to admit. Tonight would affect Fenia’s future at the Observatory, and I didn’t dare think what might happen if things didn’t work out according to plan. The Doctor falling apart didn’t make things easier, and I wished we could just disappear to Sho and be together.

I busied myself with the more tedious chores and thus managed to regain a modicum of composure. When the door opened slowly, I turned around, my smile tentative. “Hey,” I said when the Doctor emerged. He still looked shaken, but the traces of his tears were gone.

“Thank you,” he said.

I nodded. “Ready to go home?”

He returned my smile, slinging his bag over his shoulder. “Yes, let’s.”

We walked back to Sho in companionable silence, taking advantage of a break in the rain. Lufana was much more colourful now that the summer’s dust had been washed away and green plants had replaced the sand-coloured gardens. The air was clear and smelled sweeter too, and I couldn’t help but inhale deeply. The rain had also worked wonders on Sho’s garden where the Doctor had spent quite a lot of time since the dry season had ended. I felt a bit sorry or him; having to leave it behind wouldn’t be easy. There were gardens on the TARDIS, but they were different from Sho’s.

I followed him to the painted room we used as a study. He put his bag down on his chair and opened its flap to retrieve a book. It was my copy of Ancient Ruulim poetry. I hadn’t really missed it, so I was surprised he had it in his bag. He closed the distance between us, giving me the volume. “I found this earlier,” he said.

“Where was it? I... I hadn’t really missed it,” I mused, turning it over in my hands, smoothing my palm over the smooth, worn cover.

“It was among a couple of things you had on you the day... the day you collapsed,” he said, drawing a deep, steadying breath. “Someone must have left it in the office with the other things. I’m sorry I’ve kept it so long.”

“No, no, it’s okay, really,” I said, putting it down on the side table by the chair I usually occupied. “It’s what brought all this on, isn’t it.”

The Doctor clamped his mouth shut, nodding. “Yeah.”

“I’m sorry.”

He took both my hands. “I feel better now. It was just... I remembered you lying there, and... helplessness isn’t really something I’m accustomed to. Seeing the book brought it all back.”

“I can put it away if–”

“No, please don’t. There are some lovely poems in there. It’d be a shame.”

I flashed him a smile. “Are you sure you’ll be all right, for later?”

He pulled me towards him. “I think so, yeah.” His lips descended on mine and soon we were kissing deeply.

“Rose.” His breath was warm on my neck when he exhaled.

“Make love to me,” I said.

“I was hoping you’d say that,” he chuckled, nipping at my earlobe. I shivered with pleasure. “Reach into my right trouser pocket,” he whispered.

Frowning, I did as he asked, brushing my fingers against his growing erection in the process. “Yamu’sati,” I giggled.

“Oi!” he made, his breath hot on my cheek, because really he liked it when I called him that. It was one of the juicier endearments Gallifreyan offered.

Then, however, it was my turn to gasp. My fingers closed around the malialion foil packet he kept in his pocket. “You’ve been planning this, Yamu’sati?” I pulled the condom out.

“Well, not the falling apart bit,” he chuckled, then, quickly sobering, added, “but the shagging bit, yeah.”

“Where’d you get this then?”

“TARDIS,” he said. “I asked her if... the gel is lovely, but the jar’s a bit big for these pockets.”

“You, Doctor,” I purred, unbuttoning his shirt, “certainly deserve to be called Yamu’sati.”

“It’s an honour,” he growled.

“No,” I said, pushing the shirt off his shoulders, diving for the indentation at the base of his neck, “it’s a promise.”

“And I do tend to keep my promises.”

-:-

Setiu’s self-confident smile faltered, then turned into an oval of disbelief, and finally changed into an angry thin line as Fenia defended her thesis before the panel of professors. Fenia never once glanced the director’s way, and calmly answered the professors’ questions, presenting her research with such a passion and knowledge that I wished we could stay longer and I could be one of her students.

“It says here, in Setiu’s earlier, authoritative work, that the phenomenon of shooting stars is not related to the moon whatsoever,” one of the professors said, challenging her one last time.

Fenia straightened her shoulders. “That was before I corrected the formula. You see, there has been a tiny mistake in it ever since it was first established by Setiu, and...”

I didn’t really listen to the rest of the talk. I didn’t understand half of what Fenia was explaining, despite my education at the Observatory, and I couldn’t help feeling very proud of my friend. The presentation ended with the restrained applause that was customary in academia, and Fenia was awarded her professor’s title. Setiu was furious, but somehow managed to keep her feelings in check. In her book, she had just been publicly humiliated, and she stated calmly but viciously that she would challenge Fenia.

“What good will it do you, though, Setiu?” Tayar argued. He stepped up to Fenia and took her hand. I laughed in surprise. He had never done that before, not even to protect Fenia. “We all make mistakes, and who knows, maybe eventually there will be someone to prove Fenia’s theory wrong–”

“Oh, I doubt that,” the Doctor said dismissively. “She’s brilliant!” He added, bouncing on the balls of his feet, hands buried in his pockets.

“And you would know that because...?” Setiu challenged, seething. It was hard to tell if she was angrier about her professional humiliation or the fact that the Doctor had clearly been flirting with her only to help Fenia prepare her work. I had my arm looped through his, and he was very affectionate to me in public. The ribbons around our wrists stood out brilliantly against the pale fabric of the rather ridiculous ceremonial robes we had to wear for the occasion.

“Because I am brilliant.”

Setiu stared at him, then scoffed. “You’re quite full of yourself, aren’t you?”

“Didn’t stop you from flirting with me, did it?” he retorted, smiling his most charming fake-charming smile.

Setiu coloured. “Well, let’s see when it’s your turn.”

“Looking forward to it,” he said gleefully.

“I’m not after your job, Setiu,” Fenia offered. “I just wanted to be a professor. I want to teach, and to research. I don’t want all those administrative chores. Don’t you think we’ll be able to work together on that basis?”

Setiu scoffed, and it was not a pretty sound. “Work together after you humiliated me like this? And... and he too?”

“Setiu,” the Doctor began, serious.

“No one will respect me anymore!” Setiu shrieked. The low murmur of voices in the Great Hall died down and everyone turned their attention to our little group.

“You are right,” Fenia said after a while, barely able to contain her anger. Fenia never lost her temper. I curled my free hand around the Doctor’s arm. What I admired most about her words was the calm with which she delivered them. “No one will respect you, but it’s not because I proved you wrong, but because of how you’re behaving now. And maybe it’s a good thing we won’t work together after all, considering how unprofessional you were. Asking the Doctor to manipulate my work, and flirting so shamelessly with him. You also embarrassed his sovvalu. That’s as low as it gets.”

“Sovvalu?” Setiu stammered. Of all the things to say, I hadn’t expected her to pick up on that.

“Wife, actually. We got married a couple of weeks ago, before I got sick,” I said.

Setiu stepped up to me then and slapped me across the face. Her fingers hit my cheek hard enough to leave a flush the shape of her fingers. Before either of us could react, she had turned on her heel and left.

Then the Great Hall erupted in gasps of outrage and busy chatter. Several people came to offer me help and express their shame over Setiu’s behaviour. The Doctor, however, went to the bar to get me some ice in a towel. He held it gently to my cheek, cupping the other with his hand, and kissed my forehead. “You’re right,” the Doctor said. “Outwitting such a stupid person is no fun. I’m sorry.”

I closed my eyes and shook my head minutely. “’s okay,” I mumbled.

-:-

“Satu!” I cried, grabbing his arm as he got up on the morning he wanted to take the TARDIS for a spin. I had had a bad dream about it, a dream that had been so very vivid that now it turned into an overwhelming sense of premonition. “Don’t go, Doctor, please,” I said, trying to rein in my panic.

“Ngudia sam Rose,” he replied. “I’ll be all right. We’ll be all right. It’s just a quick spin to see how she’s doing.”

“Then let me come!” I argued.

“Rose,” he sighed. “Please, we’ve discussed this.”

“But your piloting skills are terrible,” I whispered, remembering details from the dream. He had left me for that quick spin, only to return years later, when I was old and grey and heartbroken.

“Thanks for the vote of confidence,” he muttered. “She’s asked me to keep you safe, just in case.”

I was still terrified of losing him. “What if you turn up years later? It’s not like it hasn’t happened before.”

The Doctor sighed. “I won’t. The TARDIS promised me that she would watch for it. And the chronometer works much better now that she’s... rejuvenated.”

He couldn’t make me leave the tower room. I made myself as comfortable as possible on the cushions in a corner of the room, and, with my heart in my mouth, watched as the TARDIS whooshed out of space and time to return to the Vortex. The Doctor had explained to me that she needed to return to the Vortex before we left, to get her bearings, to get used to it again.

They were only gone for a couple of minutes, but they were the longest minutes I had ever experienced. Images from my dream popped up, unbidden, but most of all it was the emotions that came with these images that affected me; terror and loss, abandonment and despair, hope and defiance. So when the TARDIS materialised with a thump I jumped to my feet and flew into the Doctor’s arms, thinking only of how relieved I was to have him back, and how ashamed I felt for not trusting him. Never did it cross my mind back then that this first journey after her recovery was the beginning of the end of our time on Ruul.

-:-

Tayar bought Sho.

He wouldn’t hear of accepting it as a present, and he swore us to secrecy about his buying it. He wanted to surprise Fenia with it on their wedding day. We would be long since gone by then, which broke my heart. Fenia was the only close friend I’d had since Shareen, and I hated the idea of having to leave her, and Tayar and Yoru as well. Knowing that Tayar and Fenia were going to live in Sho was comforting, however. “You’ll always be welcome to stay with us when you return to Lufana,” Tayar told us.

The farewell party was a loud and crazy affair, and laughter alternated with tears as we said our good-byes. We were given quite a few farewell gifts, including the kind of young willow-like tree under which the Doctor and I had exchanged our vows, and other assorted plants for the garden the Doctor wanted to lay out in the TARDIS. Fenia gave me a book with a couple of photographs that had been taken of us, and notes of her favourite memories. It was the most wonderful gift I had ever been given, and we cried in each other’s arms for quite a while. “Promise me to come and see us. If you’re... if you’ve got the chance,” Fenia said. “You must come to the wedding.”

“We will,” the Doctor replied, wrapping her in a hug from behind.

The garden wasn’t the only change the TARDIS made on our behalf. She had managed to sneak into my mind, despite all my defences, and had changed the domed ceiling in my bedroom into a painted starry sky to look like the one in Sho. It was no longer just my bedroom. The Doctor and I would sleep there together, in the wonderful bed we had moved into the TARDIS from Sho. She even nudged the wind chimes to make them tinkle from time to time. The Doctor had hung it in front of the window that actually looked out onto the new garden. “It’s our little bit of Sho in the TARDIS,” the Doctor had whispered to me, removing my blindfold after he’d led me inside the new bedroom.

“It’s beautiful,” I said, tears brimming in my eyes. I was so weepy in the couple of days before our departure that it was fast becoming embarrassing. I added Fenia’s scrapbook and the two framed photos of the Doctor and me to the collection of memorabilia on the shelf running along the gracefully curving wall of our bedroom. I really loved the photo from the Barracan beach, and our wedding photo, of which I’d sent a digital copy to Mum.

“We are going to come back, aren’t we?” I asked the Doctor softly, turning away from the window.

“As often as you want,” he said.

“I love you, Doctor.”

“Quite right too,” he replied, sounding a little choked.

-:-

We left early one morning. It felt a bit like stealing away, but we’d said our good-byes over and over again, accompanied by lots of tears, and I had asked the Doctor to leave as quickly as possible, to make the actual departure less painful. The idea of our friends watching us leave – after we somehow made it into the TARDIS – was so awful that I asked him to do it. Fenia, too, approved of the idea.

He didn’t hold my hand as he moved efficiently around the console to push buttons and whirl dials and pull levers, and I watched him silently and wistfully. I was terrified of what was to come, what our life together would be like now that we were travelling again. But I was also very happy to see him back in his element. Although he looked solemn, he clearly was relieved and very happy to be travelling again, to leave behind the domesticity and tranquillity of life in Sho.

All I wanted in that moment was to go home.

I bit my lip. If only I knew where home was. I’d always thought it was at Mum’s, and that that would never change. Then I’d thought it was wherever the Doctor was, and that that would never change either. Then came Sho, and I’d thought of it as our home, because we had finally become lovers, and settled down with walls, windows, and a mortgage. And friends.

A tear of frustration slid down my cheek, and I wiped it away surreptitiously. It would take me some time to get used to life on the TARDIS again. But for now, we were headed for Mum’s, and I couldn’t wait to see her again.

“Rose?”

My head snapped up at the Doctor’s soft call.

“I’ll never stop loving you. Don’t forget that.”

I smiled. I so wanted him to be happy. “I won’t.” I realised that home was in my heart, where the Doctor was.

I joined him where he was standing at the console, slipping my hand into his. The Time Rotor ground to life, setting a slow rhythm accompanied by its familiar groan. Then the Doctor released the handbrake, and the TARDIS was finally free to sing her song again, and return to the Vortex.

Fin


End file.
